experience. My hands shook the entire time, but everyone was so nice and gentle, and the exam was no worse than a pap smear. All I kept telling myself was, “I’d been through childbirth, I could do this.” I had to do this to stop him from doing it to anyone else. The police needed as much evidence against him as possible. It made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing, knowing that what I was doing would help them.
“Would you like a cup of tea, or coffee?” Sian asked when it was all over and I had showered and changed into some clothes they gave me.
“No, thank you.” My stomach still ached, and the sense of loss was overwhelming, but I couldn’t think about that right now. All I could think about was Eli, and where he had disappeared to. Greg was right, he didn’t care about me.
“Mrs Vale,” Rachel, the physician said as she poked her head around the door, her long blonde hair swishing against her neck. She walked over towards the sofa, her small frame making a dent on the seat as she sat on the edge. The sound of the creaking door filled the room once more and hope filled my heart as Eli walked in. He stopped right inside the doorway, his fists clenched tightly. He was a man on the verge of bolting again. I could feel the tension and fear radiating off him.
“Saffron, our tests show no sign of a sexual assault. We’ve found no sign of penetration, or any evidence of semen on your clothes.” It was as if I released all the air from my lungs at once, and I felt like I could finally breathe again. Hearing a loud roar, I turned to see my husband on the floor on his knees, his hands covering his face as he let out all the emotions that had been building inside him.
“We are assuming that your attacker saw the blood and panicked, not knowing what was happening. The police will be looking for evidence, but at the moment, I can’t tell you anything about their investigation.” She looked towards Eli, and back to me.
“We’ll let you two talk,” Rachel said as she stood. Sian squeezed my hand before standing and walking out of the room with her. The air was thick and tense, and I wanted everything to go back to how it was before.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice quiet and quivering.
“What are you apologising for? I’m the one that should be saying sorry.” He turned to look at me, his eyes wide and puffy. As he got up and walked towards me, I could see how unsteady he was on his feet. His whole body trembled. “Saffy, I’m so, so sorry. I should never have left you. I shouldn’t have left you with Elaine. I should’ve kept you close. It was New Year’s, and I left you to talk to people who I see at work every day. I will never forgive myself.” The panic and remorse in his voice was unmistakeable.
“You weren’t to know.”
“I made that mistake, but then I left you again, here. I was so scared, Saffy. I thought he had raped you. I was angry, I was shocked, I was petrified. I didn’t want you to feel like I felt. I didn’t want you to experience that feeling. It made me sick to my stomach to think that you would ever have to go through that.” His hand found mine as he kneeled in front of me, kissing the back of it over and over again. Pulling his head up, I brought him towards me. We held each other tightly, not saying a word, just holding, loving, and grieving for our lost child.
* * *
“Thanks, officer,” I said, hanging up the phone.
“Who was that?” Eli sat on the sofa with his laptop and a stack of paperwork next to him. It had become a common position for him.
“It was the police giving me an update. He pleaded guilty, so I don’t have to testify.” I could feel all the tension from the past month wash away. My biggest fear had been standing up in court and facing that man again.
“That’s great news.” He smiled over the top of his laptop and then continued with what he was doing.
“I’m going to go and put the washing away,” I said
“Would you like a cup of tea, or coffee?” Sian asked when it was all over and I had showered and changed into some clothes they gave me.
“No, thank you.” My stomach still ached, and the sense of loss was overwhelming, but I couldn’t think about that right now. All I could think about was Eli, and where he had disappeared to. Greg was right, he didn’t care about me.
“Mrs Vale,” Rachel, the physician said as she poked her head around the door, her long blonde hair swishing against her neck. She walked over towards the sofa, her small frame making a dent on the seat as she sat on the edge. The sound of the creaking door filled the room once more and hope filled my heart as Eli walked in. He stopped right inside the doorway, his fists clenched tightly. He was a man on the verge of bolting again. I could feel the tension and fear radiating off him.
“Saffron, our tests show no sign of a sexual assault. We’ve found no sign of penetration, or any evidence of semen on your clothes.” It was as if I released all the air from my lungs at once, and I felt like I could finally breathe again. Hearing a loud roar, I turned to see my husband on the floor on his knees, his hands covering his face as he let out all the emotions that had been building inside him.
“We are assuming that your attacker saw the blood and panicked, not knowing what was happening. The police will be looking for evidence, but at the moment, I can’t tell you anything about their investigation.” She looked towards Eli, and back to me.
“We’ll let you two talk,” Rachel said as she stood. Sian squeezed my hand before standing and walking out of the room with her. The air was thick and tense, and I wanted everything to go back to how it was before.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice quiet and quivering.
“What are you apologising for? I’m the one that should be saying sorry.” He turned to look at me, his eyes wide and puffy. As he got up and walked towards me, I could see how unsteady he was on his feet. His whole body trembled. “Saffy, I’m so, so sorry. I should never have left you. I shouldn’t have left you with Elaine. I should’ve kept you close. It was New Year’s, and I left you to talk to people who I see at work every day. I will never forgive myself.” The panic and remorse in his voice was unmistakeable.
“You weren’t to know.”
“I made that mistake, but then I left you again, here. I was so scared, Saffy. I thought he had raped you. I was angry, I was shocked, I was petrified. I didn’t want you to feel like I felt. I didn’t want you to experience that feeling. It made me sick to my stomach to think that you would ever have to go through that.” His hand found mine as he kneeled in front of me, kissing the back of it over and over again. Pulling his head up, I brought him towards me. We held each other tightly, not saying a word, just holding, loving, and grieving for our lost child.
* * *
“Thanks, officer,” I said, hanging up the phone.
“Who was that?” Eli sat on the sofa with his laptop and a stack of paperwork next to him. It had become a common position for him.
“It was the police giving me an update. He pleaded guilty, so I don’t have to testify.” I could feel all the tension from the past month wash away. My biggest fear had been standing up in court and facing that man again.
“That’s great news.” He smiled over the top of his laptop and then continued with what he was doing.
“I’m going to go and put the washing away,” I said
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