my eyes to lift, and Jodie re-entered the room with two glasses and a bottle of wine.
“Talk to me, Saffy,” Jodie said, her amber hair glistening as she bent to place the items on the coffee table and sat next to me. “Talk to me like we used to talk. You never talk to me any more.” Her desperate tone tugged at my heartstrings, I didn’t want to feel like that any more. I didn’t want all the anger and sadness flooding my mind. I wanted calm, I wanted joy and happiness but, most of all, I wanted my family back.
“I don’t know what to do, Jode I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. I have all this anger inside, anger at Eli, anger at myself. I want it to go away.”
“Why are you angry? I know what happened was hard, but you have to stop blaming each other for it. You have to work together, as a couple. You can’t push each other away.”
“I know, but I can’t help it. My mind won’t let me forget. It keeps saying that Greg was right, that Eli doesn’t care about me, he left me. Twice.” Tears fell down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away. It would be pointless. My lungs started to burn, feeling like they’d filled with fire. Clutching my chest, my whole body started to tremble as I suffocated on my own tears. The gasps overwhelmed me, trapping the air inside my lungs.
“Saffron, STOP!” Jodie shouted, kneeling in front of me. She took my hands and gripped tightly. “Breathe, Saffron, breathe. Take a deep breath in, and then out.” Listening to the sound of her voice, feeling the rhythm of her pulse on my fingers as I gripped her wrist, I tried to calm myself down. Listening to the beat of my own heart through my chest, I could hear it slowly beating in time with Jodie’s.
What the hell am I doing?
Why am I behaving this way?
The tears started to dry as I regained control of my breathing.
“Now, listen to me.” She gripped hold of me tightly, piercing me with her emerald eyes. “You may not sleep well, but at least you wake up. You might be sad, and depressed, but at least you can cry. You might not have everything you want, but you sure as hell have everything you’ll ever need. You have a husband that, despite how he’s acting right now, loves you, and a son who needs you more than air. Your life might not be perfect, but it’s pretty damn good.”
“I’m so sorry, Jodie,” I said on a sob. “I’ve been so crazy these last few months, feeling sorry for myself. I think I need some help.”
“You went through something horrible. You just need a bit of help to get you through it.” She poured the wine, handed me the glass, and I took small sips.
“I know you’re right.”
“I’m always right.” She rolled her eyes at me, which made me laugh. “Listen, depression is something you can control, but you have to do it before it takes control of you. It’s knowing how to do it that’s the problem. Knowing when to say enough is enough. I think you need someone to help.” I smiled at my beautiful sister-in-law. Having someone who I could talk to was something I missed.
“Thank you, Jodes.”
“What for?” She poured another glass of wine.
“For being my friend.”
“Saffy, I’m not just your friend, I’m your family and we stick together.” I picked up my glass and tossed it back, relaxing into the chair.
We arrived back in Cheshire on the Sunday afternoon, and I found the card for counselling, which Sian had given to me before I left the centre. Dialling the number on the back, I tapped the phone with my fingernail nervously.
“You’ve reached the number for Dr Locke, please leave your message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” I sighed, wishing I could speak to someone and get this over with. Leaving my message to call me back, I headed up to put Sam to bed.
As the sun glistened through the crack in the curtain, I stretched my aching body, reaching across to feel
“Talk to me, Saffy,” Jodie said, her amber hair glistening as she bent to place the items on the coffee table and sat next to me. “Talk to me like we used to talk. You never talk to me any more.” Her desperate tone tugged at my heartstrings, I didn’t want to feel like that any more. I didn’t want all the anger and sadness flooding my mind. I wanted calm, I wanted joy and happiness but, most of all, I wanted my family back.
“I don’t know what to do, Jode I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. I have all this anger inside, anger at Eli, anger at myself. I want it to go away.”
“Why are you angry? I know what happened was hard, but you have to stop blaming each other for it. You have to work together, as a couple. You can’t push each other away.”
“I know, but I can’t help it. My mind won’t let me forget. It keeps saying that Greg was right, that Eli doesn’t care about me, he left me. Twice.” Tears fell down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away. It would be pointless. My lungs started to burn, feeling like they’d filled with fire. Clutching my chest, my whole body started to tremble as I suffocated on my own tears. The gasps overwhelmed me, trapping the air inside my lungs.
“Saffron, STOP!” Jodie shouted, kneeling in front of me. She took my hands and gripped tightly. “Breathe, Saffron, breathe. Take a deep breath in, and then out.” Listening to the sound of her voice, feeling the rhythm of her pulse on my fingers as I gripped her wrist, I tried to calm myself down. Listening to the beat of my own heart through my chest, I could hear it slowly beating in time with Jodie’s.
What the hell am I doing?
Why am I behaving this way?
The tears started to dry as I regained control of my breathing.
“Now, listen to me.” She gripped hold of me tightly, piercing me with her emerald eyes. “You may not sleep well, but at least you wake up. You might be sad, and depressed, but at least you can cry. You might not have everything you want, but you sure as hell have everything you’ll ever need. You have a husband that, despite how he’s acting right now, loves you, and a son who needs you more than air. Your life might not be perfect, but it’s pretty damn good.”
“I’m so sorry, Jodie,” I said on a sob. “I’ve been so crazy these last few months, feeling sorry for myself. I think I need some help.”
“You went through something horrible. You just need a bit of help to get you through it.” She poured the wine, handed me the glass, and I took small sips.
“I know you’re right.”
“I’m always right.” She rolled her eyes at me, which made me laugh. “Listen, depression is something you can control, but you have to do it before it takes control of you. It’s knowing how to do it that’s the problem. Knowing when to say enough is enough. I think you need someone to help.” I smiled at my beautiful sister-in-law. Having someone who I could talk to was something I missed.
“Thank you, Jodes.”
“What for?” She poured another glass of wine.
“For being my friend.”
“Saffy, I’m not just your friend, I’m your family and we stick together.” I picked up my glass and tossed it back, relaxing into the chair.
We arrived back in Cheshire on the Sunday afternoon, and I found the card for counselling, which Sian had given to me before I left the centre. Dialling the number on the back, I tapped the phone with my fingernail nervously.
“You’ve reached the number for Dr Locke, please leave your message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” I sighed, wishing I could speak to someone and get this over with. Leaving my message to call me back, I headed up to put Sam to bed.
As the sun glistened through the crack in the curtain, I stretched my aching body, reaching across to feel
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