This Is a Book by Demetri Martin

E: No, not really.
A LIEN: That’s a hostage.
M E: I think it’s different, because—
A LIEN: Can the pet eat whenever it wants?
M E: No.
A LIEN: That sounds a lot like a hostage to me.
M E: …
A LIEN: When does the pet eat?
M E: That’s up to the owner.
A LIEN: “Owner”?
M E: Yeah, the person is the owner of the pet.
A LIEN: I thought they were friends.
M E: They are. They’re friends, but one of them owns the other one and feeds him and trains him to go to the bathroom at certain times and to behave certain ways.
A LIEN: Hm.
M E: Also, the owner can make the pet cuddle with him whenever he wants and will sometimes dress up the pet, like on Halloween.
A LIEN: I see… What is Halloween?
M E: Wow! This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to an alien!! Can I take your picture?
A LIEN: No. Calm down. Drink more of this.
M E: I don’t really want to.
A LIEN: Drink this.
M E: Okay.
     
    [
Drinking Sounds
]
    A LIEN: Now, what is Halloween?
     

ACappella Group Freak Accidents
     
    An a cappella group is singing out on the quad of a college campus. Suddenly, a grizzly bear, which has just escaped from a nearby zoo, emerges from some bushes and charges directly into the group. The bear mauls several members of the a cappella group, attacking, with especially gruesome ferocity, one of the male baritones, who has a penchant for performing “funny” skits between songs. Animal control specialists arrive a short time later and restrain the bear. Paramedics do their best to treat the badly injured a cappella singers. Both the paramedics and animal control specialists are secretly pleased.

     
    While an a cappella group is walking down the street and singing to themselves at a volume that is loud enough for everyone around them to hear, a passing fire truck inexplicably malfunctions. The fire truck’s hoses spontaneously turn on and blast the members of the group, knocking the singers off their feet and into some nearby bushes, which happen to be poison ivy. As the water hits the poison ivy, it creates a poison-ivy mist, which the singers inhale, giving them poison ivy on their vocal cords. The firemen turn off the hoses and drive away. They are secretly pleased.

     
    An a cappella group is practicing in the hallway of a college dormitory. Their “cute” renditions of several old Motown hits cause a nearby swarm of bees to become insanely agitated. The aggravated bees enter the hallway and engulf the a cappella group, stinging each of the singers repeatedly. This commotion disturbs a hornets’ nest located just outside a nearby window. The hornets fly in moments later and attack the already badly bloated bodies of the a cappella group’s members. Hours later, after smoke is pumped into the hallway to clear out the bees and hornets, nurses from the campus infirmary enter the corridor and treat the badly stung singers. The nurses are secretly pleased.

     
    Several a cappella groups are onstage together at the annual “Spring Sing” concert. In the middle of performing their best ironic medley of 80’s songs, the stage suddenly collapses under the weight of the singers. The a cappella groups immediately fall down and roll off into a large pile. A moment later, the elaborate lighting rig that is hanging from the rafters above them spontaneously unfastens and crashes down onto the pile of singers. The heat from the lights sparks the frayed wires and ignites the pile, causing all of the groups to burst into flames. The crowd is secretly pleased.

     
    An a cappella group is in the middle of singing an unrequested encore in front of a captive Parents’ Weekend audience. A moment later a small meteor, about the exact size of an a cappella group, crashes through the roof of the auditorium and flies directly into the a cappella group just as they begin to perform their “instrumental” version of “Mr. Sandman.” Several members of the groupare instantly pulverized by the meteor as others explode into little bits,