This Is a Book by Demetri Martin Page A

which shoot off into the far corners of the room. The audience is stunned… and also secretly pleased.

     
    An a cappella group performs and somehow manages not to irritate anyone. Everyone is secretly confused.

My Checks
     
    What I imagine my dolphin-themed personal checks do for me.
Two landlords are reviewing my rental application:
—So who should we rent the apartment to?
—I’m not sure. This woman has excellent credit, a stable job, great references, and she is willing to pay an extra month’s rent up front.
—She sounds great.
—She’s also an interior designer and has some excellent ideas on how to improve the space.
—Wow.
—But, on the other hand, there’s this guy. He doesn’t have a steady job. He’s got lousy credit, and his application looks pretty messy. I think there’s a food stain on it.
—Hm.
—But… take a look at his personal checks. They have dolphins on them. Look at these dolphins! They are so friendly and likable.
—Let me see that check… Wow, this is great! I love hisdolphin-themed personal checks. They just have so much personality!
—They really do. I think his checks say a lot about him.
—I think so, too. I’d say, based on his checks, he is clearly the more likable candidate.
—Yep. Especially when you compare his checks to hers.
    —Let me see her checks… Yikes. Hers are just the standard-issue yellow checks—so unimaginative and impersonal. I don’t think I want someone like that living in the apartment.
—Well, I definitely don’t want someone cold like that in our place. I want a tenant who’s got some heart, like the dolphin guy. It’s really no contest.
—I agree. Dolphin guy wins.
—Hey, do you think we should maybe also give him a break on the rent?
—(
Looks at dolphin check again. Smiles and nods.)
Definitely.
A guy I paid with a check is talking to his friend:
—You know, I was going to cash this guy’s check, but I don’t want to.
—Why?
—Because I really like looking at the check.
—Let me see that.
(Looks at check.)
… Dolphins. Wow! That is really cool.
—Yeah.
—That check is indeed very nice to look at. The dolphins are very appealing. The whole scene is warm and friendly.
—I know. I was thinking that I might not cash it.
—I can see why. I don’t blame you. I mean, looking at the check is almost worth more than cashing it, if you ask me.
—Yeah. You’re right. I’m going to put it up on my corkboard and never cash it. I think any guy who likes dolphins somuch that he’s willing to express it in his business transactions can just keep the money as far as I’m concerned.
—I was going to say the same thing. Good decision.
—Thanks. I feel good about it.
I am talking to a woman just after getting into a minor car accident with her:
—Again, I am so sorry for the damage to your car. Can I write you a check to cover it?
—Um… I think I should call my insurance company.
—Are you sure? I’ve got my checkbook right here.
(I take out my checkbook and open to a blank dolphin-themed check.)
Tell you what, why don’t I write you a check, and if the damages end up costing more than—
—Wait.
(She looks at the check.)
… Are those dolphins on your checks?
—Uh, yes. Yes they are.
—Awww. That is so cute. You know, I
love
dolphins.
(She smiles.)
I was once stranded in the middle of the ocean and a pack of dolphins that looked just like those saved my life.
—Wow. Really?
—Yeah. You seem like a sweet guy.
—Well, thank you. I like these checks because they remind me that it’s important to live life with grace and enthusiasm… kind of like a dolphin, I guess.
—
(She looks at me and smiles.)
Hey… how about we forget about the whole car situation and you just take me to lunch instead?
—Really?
—Yes, really. I would love to have lunch with you.
—Okay, I think that would be nice. But wait, weren’t you on your way to work?
—Oh I was, but it’s no big deal. I’m a model. They can just reschedule the photo