General Lopez and I already came to an understanding.”
“If I w ere you, I would not trust that snake , Lopez.”
“No problem. I already killed him, with the CIA ’ s blessing . ”
“ General Lopez?” interrupted Tonelli. “He ’ s only a major.”
“Maybe I should kill your Major Lopez, too.”
“No need ,” advised Tonelli cautiously . “ Just leave. Go back to Old Earth, to the Big Show, and live the dream.”
Lieutenant Black thought over Tonelli ’ s sage advi c e, and was off, flying into the night, dropping Legion equipment along the way. His graceful silhouette across the moon was a spectacle to behold.
Tonelli immediately ran to the guard shack. Knight and Krueger followed. Using the secure phone, Tonelli called the New Memphis offices of Bonanno Bookies & Associates.
“This is Guido. I ’ m going all in on the Mariners to win the World S eries next year. Don ’ t argue with me, just do it!”
* * * * *
Christopher Columbus and Priscilla Percy agreed to marry in the evening. Columbus insisted on a church wedding, so they wed in the only church in town, the Church of the Holy Newt of Light. The preacher was stoned, as was the piano player, but he read the teleprompter just fine.
“Do you , Priscilla Percy, agree to accept this man in holy matrimony, to love, cherish, and obey, for life, and promise to not take up vulgar habits like smoking cigars, indulging in magic mushrooms, or licking newts?”
“I do.”
“And do you , Christopher Columbus, accept this woman in holy matrimony, to love, cherish, and honor, never take a mistress, and promise to get rid of that disgusting smelly camel Hargundu?”
“What?” asked Columbus. “Get rid of loyal Hargundu? I will not do it!”
“It ’ s my way, or the highway,” threatened Percy.
“How about we just not allow Hargundu inside our tent?”
“No, that mangy camel must go!”
“I ’ ll take him to the camel-wash.”
“No!”
* * * * *
The spider commander intended to exact revenge against the Legion, and Captain Columbus in particular, for the humiliation suffered at Smokey ’ s Tavern. Missiles targeted major structures, including the casino, Legion Headquarters, the Smokey the Bear statue , the Church of the Holy Newt of Light, and the camel stables. “This time that feral camel will die!” swore the spider commander, patting his war mule. “No quarter!”
* * * * *
The spider guard at the dam waved frantically at Corporal Tonelli from his shack, finally shouting on a PA speaker. “Guido! Run for cover ! W e are at war!”
“Again?” asked Corporal Tonelli. “Are you sure?”
Explosions in town signaled the start. Guido ran to the far side of the dam as his shack exploded. He jumped into his bunker and returned fire.
* * * * *
The spider commander gloated triumphantly as he watched fires across the lake, an eerie glow cast on the carnage.
A phantom being swooped from the sky, methodically killing spider marines. “Vampire!” shouted the missile crews as they abandoned their posts. The monster tore off the heads of hapless marines, stacking them at a crossroad. Then he came for the spider commander. It was a human pestilence legionnaire! The spider commander fired his pistol at the monster, to no effect.
“Holy mother of the Prophet, what the h ell are you?” asked the spider commander, backed against a wall.
“ Johnny Black , and Hell is exactly where I intend to send you.” The vampire smiled, baring his fangs.
“Can ’ t we make a deal?” pleaded the spider commander.
“You have nothing I want.”
“Come on, think! There must be something. Money, maybe?”
“Actually, there is something. I need a ride to Old Earth. I want to go home. No one will sell me a ticket with this Legion tracking chip in my ass.”
“Ha! Turn you loose on Old Earth? Oh, that is so precious. I will do it! I will remove that tracking chip, too. Friends?”
“No hugs. I just want
“If I w ere you, I would not trust that snake , Lopez.”
“No problem. I already killed him, with the CIA ’ s blessing . ”
“ General Lopez?” interrupted Tonelli. “He ’ s only a major.”
“Maybe I should kill your Major Lopez, too.”
“No need ,” advised Tonelli cautiously . “ Just leave. Go back to Old Earth, to the Big Show, and live the dream.”
Lieutenant Black thought over Tonelli ’ s sage advi c e, and was off, flying into the night, dropping Legion equipment along the way. His graceful silhouette across the moon was a spectacle to behold.
Tonelli immediately ran to the guard shack. Knight and Krueger followed. Using the secure phone, Tonelli called the New Memphis offices of Bonanno Bookies & Associates.
“This is Guido. I ’ m going all in on the Mariners to win the World S eries next year. Don ’ t argue with me, just do it!”
* * * * *
Christopher Columbus and Priscilla Percy agreed to marry in the evening. Columbus insisted on a church wedding, so they wed in the only church in town, the Church of the Holy Newt of Light. The preacher was stoned, as was the piano player, but he read the teleprompter just fine.
“Do you , Priscilla Percy, agree to accept this man in holy matrimony, to love, cherish, and obey, for life, and promise to not take up vulgar habits like smoking cigars, indulging in magic mushrooms, or licking newts?”
“I do.”
“And do you , Christopher Columbus, accept this woman in holy matrimony, to love, cherish, and honor, never take a mistress, and promise to get rid of that disgusting smelly camel Hargundu?”
“What?” asked Columbus. “Get rid of loyal Hargundu? I will not do it!”
“It ’ s my way, or the highway,” threatened Percy.
“How about we just not allow Hargundu inside our tent?”
“No, that mangy camel must go!”
“I ’ ll take him to the camel-wash.”
“No!”
* * * * *
The spider commander intended to exact revenge against the Legion, and Captain Columbus in particular, for the humiliation suffered at Smokey ’ s Tavern. Missiles targeted major structures, including the casino, Legion Headquarters, the Smokey the Bear statue , the Church of the Holy Newt of Light, and the camel stables. “This time that feral camel will die!” swore the spider commander, patting his war mule. “No quarter!”
* * * * *
The spider guard at the dam waved frantically at Corporal Tonelli from his shack, finally shouting on a PA speaker. “Guido! Run for cover ! W e are at war!”
“Again?” asked Corporal Tonelli. “Are you sure?”
Explosions in town signaled the start. Guido ran to the far side of the dam as his shack exploded. He jumped into his bunker and returned fire.
* * * * *
The spider commander gloated triumphantly as he watched fires across the lake, an eerie glow cast on the carnage.
A phantom being swooped from the sky, methodically killing spider marines. “Vampire!” shouted the missile crews as they abandoned their posts. The monster tore off the heads of hapless marines, stacking them at a crossroad. Then he came for the spider commander. It was a human pestilence legionnaire! The spider commander fired his pistol at the monster, to no effect.
“Holy mother of the Prophet, what the h ell are you?” asked the spider commander, backed against a wall.
“ Johnny Black , and Hell is exactly where I intend to send you.” The vampire smiled, baring his fangs.
“Can ’ t we make a deal?” pleaded the spider commander.
“You have nothing I want.”
“Come on, think! There must be something. Money, maybe?”
“Actually, there is something. I need a ride to Old Earth. I want to go home. No one will sell me a ticket with this Legion tracking chip in my ass.”
“Ha! Turn you loose on Old Earth? Oh, that is so precious. I will do it! I will remove that tracking chip, too. Friends?”
“No hugs. I just want
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