to play baseball.”
“For who?”
“Seattle Mariners.”
“So you shall!” exclaimed the spider commander. They shook hands and claws. “I wager you take Seattle all the way to the World Series.”
* * * * *
Columbus and Percy dug themselves out of the rubble, still not married.
“I do,” replied Columbus, embracing his true love.
The stoned preacher popped up through drywall and dust. “I now pronounce you husband and wife!”
The newlyweds kissed. They kept Hargundu.
back to Table of Contents
Chapter 11
Proof the World is Flat
Months later, Captain Christopher Columbus had requested and been granted leave to pursue a special project. He waited patiently outside the Oval Office most of the day. President Miller ’ s snub was obvious. However, at the end of the day , Columbus was finally given five minutes to present his proposal.
“ Make it quick, ” snapped President Miller. “ My advisers dismiss you as a crackpot, but my wife insists your theories may have merit. Because you are a Her o of the Legion, I will hear you out. ”
“ Thank you , Mr. President, ” replied Columbus. “ To the point, the world is flat. Give me a shuttle of legionnaires, and I will prove it. ”
“ The world is round, ” scoffed President Miller. “ Are you nuts? Photos from space prove it. Don ’ t you watch TV? Anyone who has been in orbit can tell you the world is round. ”
“ Magnetic energy at the South Pole distorts our vision of reality, creating an illusion of roundness, ” insisted Columbus. “ However, it is becoming common knowledge among leading scientists and quantum physicists that the world is indeed flat. Our beam technology, allowing us to gallivant all about the galaxy, is only consistent with Einstein ’ s theory of relativity if you accept quantum flat-world theory. ”
“ How come no one told me about this? ” asked President Miller, angrily turning to his aides. “ Why am I always the last to know? ”
“ We are telling you now, Mr. President, ” advised the Secretary of Transportation. “ But it ’ s just a theory. There has been no verification. ”
“ A shuttle beamed from orbit directly into the South Pole should theoretically pass through Antar c tica and come out at the North Pole, ” explained Columbus. “ Our discovery will give us the strategic advantage over the spiders we so desperately seek. ”
“ And if you are wrong? ”
“ Then the shuttle goes splat, and we kill a few penguins. ”
“ We have lots of shuttles, ” commented President Miller . His eyes gleamed as he mumbled to himself, “A discovery of this magnitude could produce a lot of good press. ” He turned his attention back to Columbus. “ Did you say something about needing l egionnaire volunteers? ”
“ Colonel Czerinski volunteered for the mission, ” answered Columbus.
“ Really? ” asked President Miller incredulously. “ Czerinski? ”
“ No, sir. But he will , if you so order. ”
“ It sounds risky. ”
“ Colonel Czerinski is a Hero of the Legion. He laughs at danger and spits in Death ’ s eye. ”
“ You ’ re right! ” exclaimed President Miller, slapping his desktop with enthusiasm. “ This mission is perfect for Czerinski. Make it happen! ”
“ Right away, sir, ” replied the Secretary of Transportation.
“ While you ’ r e at it, ” President Miller added, “ send that snake-in-the-grass Lopez with him. And, make sure no penguins get killed. ”
“ Yes, sir. ”
* * * * *
I was ordered back to Earth to personally supervise the muster of much - needed combat - seasoned legionnaires, recruited from the Third Army. Some did not want to leave. I was accompanied by Major Lopez and Captain Columbus. Our shuttle flawlessly beamed into Earth maintaining orbit over Antarctica.
“ You are an excellent navigator, Captain Columbus,” I commented, comfortably gazing down at the sheets of ice. “ You ’ re a
“For who?”
“Seattle Mariners.”
“So you shall!” exclaimed the spider commander. They shook hands and claws. “I wager you take Seattle all the way to the World Series.”
* * * * *
Columbus and Percy dug themselves out of the rubble, still not married.
“I do,” replied Columbus, embracing his true love.
The stoned preacher popped up through drywall and dust. “I now pronounce you husband and wife!”
The newlyweds kissed. They kept Hargundu.
back to Table of Contents
Chapter 11
Proof the World is Flat
Months later, Captain Christopher Columbus had requested and been granted leave to pursue a special project. He waited patiently outside the Oval Office most of the day. President Miller ’ s snub was obvious. However, at the end of the day , Columbus was finally given five minutes to present his proposal.
“ Make it quick, ” snapped President Miller. “ My advisers dismiss you as a crackpot, but my wife insists your theories may have merit. Because you are a Her o of the Legion, I will hear you out. ”
“ Thank you , Mr. President, ” replied Columbus. “ To the point, the world is flat. Give me a shuttle of legionnaires, and I will prove it. ”
“ The world is round, ” scoffed President Miller. “ Are you nuts? Photos from space prove it. Don ’ t you watch TV? Anyone who has been in orbit can tell you the world is round. ”
“ Magnetic energy at the South Pole distorts our vision of reality, creating an illusion of roundness, ” insisted Columbus. “ However, it is becoming common knowledge among leading scientists and quantum physicists that the world is indeed flat. Our beam technology, allowing us to gallivant all about the galaxy, is only consistent with Einstein ’ s theory of relativity if you accept quantum flat-world theory. ”
“ How come no one told me about this? ” asked President Miller, angrily turning to his aides. “ Why am I always the last to know? ”
“ We are telling you now, Mr. President, ” advised the Secretary of Transportation. “ But it ’ s just a theory. There has been no verification. ”
“ A shuttle beamed from orbit directly into the South Pole should theoretically pass through Antar c tica and come out at the North Pole, ” explained Columbus. “ Our discovery will give us the strategic advantage over the spiders we so desperately seek. ”
“ And if you are wrong? ”
“ Then the shuttle goes splat, and we kill a few penguins. ”
“ We have lots of shuttles, ” commented President Miller . His eyes gleamed as he mumbled to himself, “A discovery of this magnitude could produce a lot of good press. ” He turned his attention back to Columbus. “ Did you say something about needing l egionnaire volunteers? ”
“ Colonel Czerinski volunteered for the mission, ” answered Columbus.
“ Really? ” asked President Miller incredulously. “ Czerinski? ”
“ No, sir. But he will , if you so order. ”
“ It sounds risky. ”
“ Colonel Czerinski is a Hero of the Legion. He laughs at danger and spits in Death ’ s eye. ”
“ You ’ re right! ” exclaimed President Miller, slapping his desktop with enthusiasm. “ This mission is perfect for Czerinski. Make it happen! ”
“ Right away, sir, ” replied the Secretary of Transportation.
“ While you ’ r e at it, ” President Miller added, “ send that snake-in-the-grass Lopez with him. And, make sure no penguins get killed. ”
“ Yes, sir. ”
* * * * *
I was ordered back to Earth to personally supervise the muster of much - needed combat - seasoned legionnaires, recruited from the Third Army. Some did not want to leave. I was accompanied by Major Lopez and Captain Columbus. Our shuttle flawlessly beamed into Earth maintaining orbit over Antarctica.
“ You are an excellent navigator, Captain Columbus,” I commented, comfortably gazing down at the sheets of ice. “ You ’ re a
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