naturally gifted star traveler. ”
“ Thank you, sir, ” replied Captain Columbus. “ Do you have faith in God Almighty? ”
“ Of course I believe in God, ” I answered, slightly irritated. “ What does that have to do with anything? ”
“ Czerinski does his praying in the casino, at the Altar of Blackjack, ” scoffed Major Lopez, nervously staring out the portal. “ Why are we hovering over Antarctica? We are supposed to land at Fort Polk. ”
“ I did not ask if you believed in God, ” continued Captain Columbus, ignoring Lopez. “ Belief in God is a given. I asked, do you have faith in God? ”
“ Whatever. Get us down to Tigerland. That ’ s an order. ”
“ Sir, do you see that black dot on the ice? It is a vast colony of nesting Emperor Penguins, huddling to stay warm. ”
“ So? ”
“ That same spot also happens to be the exact location of Earth ’ s magnetic South Pole. It ’ s ironic, in a way. ”
“ I see nothing ironic about penguins freezing their asses off. Stop sightseeing, and get us home. ”
“ Yes, sir, ” replied Captain Columbus, immediately plunging the shuttle into the atmosphere. “ Better strap in. Impact in minutes! ”
“ Have you gone nuts? ” I shouted, helplessly thrust back into my seat. “ After all we have been through together, you would kill us all? ”
“ Lord willing, we shall not die. At least, not today! ”
“ Loco bendaho! ” accused Major Lopez. “ Pull up before it ’ s too late! ”
“ The President himself authorized this mission of exploration. We will rewrite history. I will prove the world is flat. I will be Admiral of the Stars! ”
“ Flat? You will prove us flat when we hit Earth! ” I protested.
“ Splat, like Wiley Coyote, ” added Major Lopez, crossing himself. “ You punk! ”
“ Doubting Thomases. I have always proved my critics wrong. I have no time for critics. You will see. The world is flat! ”
“ What about those poor innocent penguins? ” I asked desperately, watching the dot grow larger. “ Did you know killing penguins is a felony? ”
“ All great scientific discovery involves risk. Today we break a few egg shells, tomorrow we eat omelets for breakfast! ”
“ I don ’ t want to die! ”
“ Don ’ t be a sissy. ”
“ You sick crazy bastard! ” I shouted, struggling for my pistol. “ I ’ ll see you in Hell! ”
My world went black.
* * * * *
I woke to a ruined shuttle, crashed on the ice. Columbus and Lopez lay unconscious, still strapped to their seats. Enraged, I lumbered out of my seat and went over to Columbus, repeatedly punch ing him in the face and kick ing him in the ribs for good measure. Outside the portal, burnt feathers and penguin shit littering the ice. Damn!
A polar bear smashed its gnarly yellow teeth against the portal. Saliva splattered across the glass, freezing in place. The polar bear waved his fluffy white paw, as if saying hello. How cute. I opened the portal and shot Fluffy in the head. The polar bear flopped about on the ice in a spasm, spewing crimson from its mouth. The poor pathetic creature lifted its chin, staring with those sad brown eyes. Why? Mercifully, I shot it again.
“ Are you okay? ” asked Captain Columbus, waking from the sound of gunfire. He staggered to the portal. “ I ’ m afraid I didn ’ t fare so well. What are you shooting at? ”
“ I ’ m fine. I shot a polar bear for food. We may be stranded here for a while. ”
“ Nonsense, ” interrupted Major Lopez, also waking up. “ Our automatic distress signal activated upon impact. Rescue craft are en route. You didn ’ t have to shoot the bear. ”
“ Really? ”
“ I hope you get arrested for poaching. Polar bears have been on the Endangered Species List ever since global cooling killed all the stupid seals. ”
“ Stupid bear. ”
“ That noble beast will make a fine rug, ” commented Captain Columbus. “ If you aren ’ t going to eat it, can I have it?
“ Thank you, sir, ” replied Captain Columbus. “ Do you have faith in God Almighty? ”
“ Of course I believe in God, ” I answered, slightly irritated. “ What does that have to do with anything? ”
“ Czerinski does his praying in the casino, at the Altar of Blackjack, ” scoffed Major Lopez, nervously staring out the portal. “ Why are we hovering over Antarctica? We are supposed to land at Fort Polk. ”
“ I did not ask if you believed in God, ” continued Captain Columbus, ignoring Lopez. “ Belief in God is a given. I asked, do you have faith in God? ”
“ Whatever. Get us down to Tigerland. That ’ s an order. ”
“ Sir, do you see that black dot on the ice? It is a vast colony of nesting Emperor Penguins, huddling to stay warm. ”
“ So? ”
“ That same spot also happens to be the exact location of Earth ’ s magnetic South Pole. It ’ s ironic, in a way. ”
“ I see nothing ironic about penguins freezing their asses off. Stop sightseeing, and get us home. ”
“ Yes, sir, ” replied Captain Columbus, immediately plunging the shuttle into the atmosphere. “ Better strap in. Impact in minutes! ”
“ Have you gone nuts? ” I shouted, helplessly thrust back into my seat. “ After all we have been through together, you would kill us all? ”
“ Lord willing, we shall not die. At least, not today! ”
“ Loco bendaho! ” accused Major Lopez. “ Pull up before it ’ s too late! ”
“ The President himself authorized this mission of exploration. We will rewrite history. I will prove the world is flat. I will be Admiral of the Stars! ”
“ Flat? You will prove us flat when we hit Earth! ” I protested.
“ Splat, like Wiley Coyote, ” added Major Lopez, crossing himself. “ You punk! ”
“ Doubting Thomases. I have always proved my critics wrong. I have no time for critics. You will see. The world is flat! ”
“ What about those poor innocent penguins? ” I asked desperately, watching the dot grow larger. “ Did you know killing penguins is a felony? ”
“ All great scientific discovery involves risk. Today we break a few egg shells, tomorrow we eat omelets for breakfast! ”
“ I don ’ t want to die! ”
“ Don ’ t be a sissy. ”
“ You sick crazy bastard! ” I shouted, struggling for my pistol. “ I ’ ll see you in Hell! ”
My world went black.
* * * * *
I woke to a ruined shuttle, crashed on the ice. Columbus and Lopez lay unconscious, still strapped to their seats. Enraged, I lumbered out of my seat and went over to Columbus, repeatedly punch ing him in the face and kick ing him in the ribs for good measure. Outside the portal, burnt feathers and penguin shit littering the ice. Damn!
A polar bear smashed its gnarly yellow teeth against the portal. Saliva splattered across the glass, freezing in place. The polar bear waved his fluffy white paw, as if saying hello. How cute. I opened the portal and shot Fluffy in the head. The polar bear flopped about on the ice in a spasm, spewing crimson from its mouth. The poor pathetic creature lifted its chin, staring with those sad brown eyes. Why? Mercifully, I shot it again.
“ Are you okay? ” asked Captain Columbus, waking from the sound of gunfire. He staggered to the portal. “ I ’ m afraid I didn ’ t fare so well. What are you shooting at? ”
“ I ’ m fine. I shot a polar bear for food. We may be stranded here for a while. ”
“ Nonsense, ” interrupted Major Lopez, also waking up. “ Our automatic distress signal activated upon impact. Rescue craft are en route. You didn ’ t have to shoot the bear. ”
“ Really? ”
“ I hope you get arrested for poaching. Polar bears have been on the Endangered Species List ever since global cooling killed all the stupid seals. ”
“ Stupid bear. ”
“ That noble beast will make a fine rug, ” commented Captain Columbus. “ If you aren ’ t going to eat it, can I have it?
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