Wisdom Seeds by Patrice Johnson

to know.
    â€œYour dad used to look up to his brother Paul and he really wanted to follow him to Dartmouth. He only went to Howard because he could work his way through school and wouldn’t need any of his father’s money. Even though your dad went on to receive his Master’s Degree in Theological Studies, he has always admired Paul.”
    While the door was open, I had to ask. “Is he jealous of him?”
    â€œI don’t know if jealous is a good word.” Mom was almost defensive. “Your Uncle Paul had a very successful military career and his children went to college and are enjoying some level of success. Your dad had big plans for all of you, too.”
    â€œI’m sure it was a major blow that Joey and Noah didn’t go to college.” I tried to sound sympathetic.
    â€œAnd now you with the baby. It’s hard on your dad.”
    I had no idea of the competition my dad had with Uncle Paul. I had written a paper on the middle child syndrome and surmised that could also be part of the problem. It wasn’t worth trying to explain to Mom. My opportunity for information was at hand and I had to take advantage of it while Mom was talking.
    â€œHow did you meet my dad?” I asked moving the subject back to her.
    â€œI met David at a summer Christian Youth Retreat in Maryland when I was seventeen-years-old. He carried my bags from the bus to my room and then he came back that evening to escort me to dinner. We spent the entire two weeks together and before he left he told me I would be his wife. I believed him. We kept in touch by letter and I fell in love with him. The next year, after I graduated, I followed David to Howard. He was the only boyfriend I ever had.”
    Her story seemed so romantic. I wanted to imaginethat my parents were a happy, fun-loving couple. Perhaps they had been happy when they first got married.
    â€œI used to dream about being a preacher’s wife.” Mom continued. “When David was called to the ministry during his junior year, I took that as confirmation I was to be his wife.”
    â€œWhat about you, Mom? What about your singing? Didn’t you ever want a career?”
    â€œThings were different, Dani. I watched my mother scrub floors and take in laundry. She worked so hard that sometimes she fell asleep at the dinner table. My father worked in the mill all day. He left before I got up and sometimes didn’t come in until I was in bed. The only time I spent with him was when he was dying. I promised myself I wouldn’t work if I didn’t have to.”
    â€œWhy’d you go to college?”
    â€œMy parents wanted me to. They saved everything so I could go to school.”
    â€œWhat was your major?”
    â€œEducation. I wanted to be a teacher.”
    â€œMom, you’d be a wonderful teacher.”
    â€œI taught at a school in Maryland while David finished at the seminary. My salary wasn’t much and your dad always said better days were ahead.”
    â€œWhy’d you stop?”
    â€œI had Noah and your dad told me I didn’t have to work. He said he would take care of me if I stayed home to raise his children. I did the best I could.”
    â€œYou did fine, Mom.” I tried to reassure her, assuming that she might look at her children as failures. After all, we hadn’t turned out the way my dad wanted us to.
    Tears slowly made tracks down her face. “I miss my mother,” she said getting up from the table. “I never understood why David didn’t like her. I needed her to helpme.”
    Mom suddenly appeared vulnerable and exposed. She had never shown any emotion in front of me before. My feeble attempts to comfort her were marred by the overwhelming guilt I was feeling for messing up.
    â€œI love you, Mom.” I hugged her and held her while we cried.

5
    Joey and Noah promised Mom they were coming home for Thanksgiving and I was excited about seeing them. Although