them. Anguishing when you think that the time’s past when after some early morning sport the attics were full with a bevy of upstairs maids to prang.’
Percival with a tray of glasses and decanters of sherry and port as he soft foots it across the library floor streaked with sunshine. Hear a roar of Toro. Probably looking for a heifer. Lady Macfugger keeps glancing at one’s outfit especially at the tennis shoes. And then at my red neckerchief I wear for a little colour. Elmer comes strolling inwagging his tail and nudging about with his big black nose in a rather delicate part of Lady Macfugger’s figure.
‘Jeffrey isn’t he sweet.’
‘By George he’s a monster, look at the pair of balls on him Gail, sticking out there like two avocados. He knows where to sniff.’
‘Why must you always notice things like that.’
‘Clementine’s going to think I’ve got a tight arsed wife.’
‘If you must know I am quite proud of my arse being tight. And I’m sure Mr Clementine has better things to occupy his mind.’
‘There you are, Clementine. I was on my uppers till I collared old Gail, tight arsed but with a loose half a million. But by God I’m not afraid of poverty. Take to the roads if I have to in a tinker’s caravan. Good healthy itinerant life. Plenty of wenching and gambling. I spotted the old girl at a cousin’s wedding. Standing beside her father, a big red nosed old bastard. I knew he was rotten with it, knew the drink would knock him off, and the whole fortune held in trust for Gail would tumble into my yawning coffers. Never missed the opportunity to nudge the old boy’s elbow to help along when he was knocking back a whiskey. All a man needs is a mare to plug and a few grazing beasts and spuds. This is excellent port. You must come and see us. Don’t stand on ceremony. In fact why not tonight. Bring your better half with you.’
‘I haven’t got one.’
‘What, no mare. I saw a piece of crumpet dancing across the parapet. Didn’t want to enquire after your wife in case she had some unresolved bats in the belfry. When they go off like that some chaps like to keep it quiet. Shove them into a spare dressing room with a doll’s house to play with. Bachelor eh. Bet that’s leading to some goings on. When you don’t have someone sneaking up on your bare backside with a pail of water and crashing the stuff over you when you’re busy up some fluff.’
‘You deserved every drop of it Jeffrey.’
‘What. You could have made me impotent, by God. Tossing a cold bucket of water on the arse like that. Putme right off. By jove I had this little piece of carefree frippery with the neatest little arse you’ve ever seen, like two acorns, get hold of them like a ball bearings. Giving me the eye she was while peeling the spuds. I gave her pronto what for up the whose it right there in the boot closet. Little liar said it was her first time rogered. I clapped her one across the snout with the back of me hand. Soon had the truth. Every groom in the stable been up her. I mean to say a chap having to have a go after his grooms. Simply not on. Damn layabouts can’t get their minds off the subject. I went out there with the good book. I preached to them by jove. Put their filthy thoughts onto something uplifting. Carry on like that can put an estate into bankruptcy. A midget randy groom once got every girl in the household up the pole. I mean you can’t sack a girl but what are you going to do with seventeen little bastards bawling all over the place. But Clementine we’re keeping you from your chores. You shoot.’
‘No.’
‘Soon fix that. Nothing like a day’s outing over the heather. You’ll settle in nicely. Is your chap called Percival.’
‘Yes.’
‘By God he’s aged. Give him a pat on the back for me. Quite a lady’s man. Just between you and I in a whisper he’s had more dollies in a family way than rain drops in a bucket. Come on Gail. Shake your arse. We’ll see you
Percival with a tray of glasses and decanters of sherry and port as he soft foots it across the library floor streaked with sunshine. Hear a roar of Toro. Probably looking for a heifer. Lady Macfugger keeps glancing at one’s outfit especially at the tennis shoes. And then at my red neckerchief I wear for a little colour. Elmer comes strolling inwagging his tail and nudging about with his big black nose in a rather delicate part of Lady Macfugger’s figure.
‘Jeffrey isn’t he sweet.’
‘By George he’s a monster, look at the pair of balls on him Gail, sticking out there like two avocados. He knows where to sniff.’
‘Why must you always notice things like that.’
‘Clementine’s going to think I’ve got a tight arsed wife.’
‘If you must know I am quite proud of my arse being tight. And I’m sure Mr Clementine has better things to occupy his mind.’
‘There you are, Clementine. I was on my uppers till I collared old Gail, tight arsed but with a loose half a million. But by God I’m not afraid of poverty. Take to the roads if I have to in a tinker’s caravan. Good healthy itinerant life. Plenty of wenching and gambling. I spotted the old girl at a cousin’s wedding. Standing beside her father, a big red nosed old bastard. I knew he was rotten with it, knew the drink would knock him off, and the whole fortune held in trust for Gail would tumble into my yawning coffers. Never missed the opportunity to nudge the old boy’s elbow to help along when he was knocking back a whiskey. All a man needs is a mare to plug and a few grazing beasts and spuds. This is excellent port. You must come and see us. Don’t stand on ceremony. In fact why not tonight. Bring your better half with you.’
‘I haven’t got one.’
‘What, no mare. I saw a piece of crumpet dancing across the parapet. Didn’t want to enquire after your wife in case she had some unresolved bats in the belfry. When they go off like that some chaps like to keep it quiet. Shove them into a spare dressing room with a doll’s house to play with. Bachelor eh. Bet that’s leading to some goings on. When you don’t have someone sneaking up on your bare backside with a pail of water and crashing the stuff over you when you’re busy up some fluff.’
‘You deserved every drop of it Jeffrey.’
‘What. You could have made me impotent, by God. Tossing a cold bucket of water on the arse like that. Putme right off. By jove I had this little piece of carefree frippery with the neatest little arse you’ve ever seen, like two acorns, get hold of them like a ball bearings. Giving me the eye she was while peeling the spuds. I gave her pronto what for up the whose it right there in the boot closet. Little liar said it was her first time rogered. I clapped her one across the snout with the back of me hand. Soon had the truth. Every groom in the stable been up her. I mean to say a chap having to have a go after his grooms. Simply not on. Damn layabouts can’t get their minds off the subject. I went out there with the good book. I preached to them by jove. Put their filthy thoughts onto something uplifting. Carry on like that can put an estate into bankruptcy. A midget randy groom once got every girl in the household up the pole. I mean you can’t sack a girl but what are you going to do with seventeen little bastards bawling all over the place. But Clementine we’re keeping you from your chores. You shoot.’
‘No.’
‘Soon fix that. Nothing like a day’s outing over the heather. You’ll settle in nicely. Is your chap called Percival.’
‘Yes.’
‘By God he’s aged. Give him a pat on the back for me. Quite a lady’s man. Just between you and I in a whisper he’s had more dollies in a family way than rain drops in a bucket. Come on Gail. Shake your arse. We’ll see you
Similar Books
