The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel

feelings. Your feelings will tell you what you are lacking, if you pay close attention. Unfortunately, many Nice Girls are as out of touch with their feelings as they are with their needs and have difficulty identifying what emotions they are experiencing. This may be a direct result of focusing on the feelings of others too much, or of having been a means of surviving childhood experiences such as neglect or trauma. Because of this, you may now experience such a jumble of feelings that you have difficulty identifying them or you may as an adult be numb to your feelings.
    In the course of just one day, we all experience myriad emotions. Learning to identify each and every one of them can be a daunting task. Therefore, it is best to focus on only a few primary emotions, at least in the beginning. According to most experts, there are eight or so primary, or basic, emotions: anger, sorrow, joy, surprise, fear, disgust, guilt/shame, and interest (some also consider love one of the
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    primary emotions). These are considered primary emotions because we are born with the potential, or biological readiness, for them. All other emotions are considered secondary, or social, emotions because they are learned. These are usually some combination of the basic emotions. For our purposes, we are going to focus on five of the primary emotions: anger, sadness, fear, guilt/shame, and joy.
    We often become disconnected from our primary emotions by diluting them and giving them other names. For example, many people, instead of saying they are afraid, will say they feel “anxious” or “worried.” Instead of saying they feel sad (or even knowing they are sad), many people will say they feel “tired.” And instead of say- ing they are angry, many people will say they are “uninterested,” “bored,” or “frustrated.”
    The best way to discover how you are feeling is to begin by ask- ing yourself which of the five primary feelings you are experiencing (anger, sadness, fear, guilt/shame, or joy) at intervals throughout the day. It is safe to say that at any given time, we are all experiencing at least one or more of these primary emotions.

Remedy #7: Reconnect with Your Body
    Just asking yourself which feeling you are experiencing won’t neces- sarily help, if you aren’t in touch with your body. Your body is your best barometer to tell you which emotion you are feeling at any given time. Emotions involve body changes, such as fluctuations in heart rate and skin temperature, and the tensing or relaxing of muscles. The most important changes are in the facial muscles. Researchers now think that changes in the facial muscles play an important role in actu- ally causing emotions. For example, we tend to feel sadness in our body in the following ways: frowning or a mouth turned down in a “sad” face; eyes drooping; a slumped, hunched posture; using a low, quiet, slow, or monotonous voice; heaviness in the chest; tightness in the throat or difficulty swallowing (from holding back tears); moist eyes or tears; whimpering, crying, tears; feeling as if you can’t stop crying or that if you ever start crying you will never stop; feeling tired, run-down, or low in energy; feeling lethargic, listless; wanting to stay in bed all day; feeling as if nothing is pleasurable anymore; feeling a pain or hollowness in your chest or gut; feeling empty.
    Conversely, joy is usually manifested in the body in the follow-
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    ing ways: smiling; feeling excited; feeling physically energetic, active, “alive”; feeling like laughing or giggling; having a warm glow about you; feeling “open hearted” and loving.

    E XERCISE : C HECKING I N WITH Y OUR B ODY
Look in the mirror and notice what expression you have on your face. Does your face look angry? Sad? Afraid?
Now sit down and take a few deep breaths
Check in with your body. What emotion is being expressed