there? If there is heaviness in your chest, what emotion might that be? If there is an uneasiness in your stomach, what might that be saying about how you are feeling?
Notice any tension in your body—in your shoulders, your neck, your jaw, your stomach, your hands.
Take a few more deep breaths and ask yourself what emo- tion is connected to this tension. Is it anger? Fear? Sadness?
Now, taking the information you have gathered both from the expression on your face and the tension in your body, what emotions do you think you are feeling?
Remedy #8: Make It a Practice of Checking In with Your Feelings Several Times a Day
Start by making sure you check in with your feelings at least once a day. The best times are when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed. You can even do it when you are driving to and from someplace (as long as your emotions don’t become so strong that they interfere with your driving).
Take a few minutes to center yourself. Take some deep breaths and clear your mind of any thoughts. Go inside yourself and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” For simplicity’s sake, check for the following emotions: anger, sadness, fear, and guilt.
Start by asking yourself, “Am I feeling angry?” Check in with yourself and allow any angry feelings you might have to surface. If the answer is yes, simply list (in your head, out
70 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
loud, or on paper) the reasons you are feeling this way. For example, “I’m angry that .” Or “I’m angry because .” If the answer is “no,” proceed to the next emotion.
Now ask yourself, “Am I feeling sad?” Again, allow the feel- ings of sadness to bubble up and list all the reasons you feel sad.
The next question is, “Am I feeling afraid?” Allow the feel- ings of fear to come up if they are there. If they are not, go on to the next feeling.
Ask yourself, “Am I feeling guilty?” Allow the feelings to surface and list all the reasons you feel guilty.
You do not need to do anything about the feelings that have surfaced. The point of the check-in is to help you to keep in touch with your feelings.
Remedy #9: Connect Your Feelings with Your Needs
Now you are ready to connect your feelings with your needs. The following exercise, based on a process by Laurel Mellin in her Solutions Program, will help you make the connection.
E XERCISE : F EELINGS AND N EEDS
Check in with yourself several times a day by going inside and asking yourself what you are feeling.
When you find a feeling, look for the corresponding need. Ask yourself, “What do I need?” Often the answer will be, “Feel my feeling and let it fade.” Answer in the simplest way instead of confusing the issue with too many details or com- plexities. For example, if you are hungry, you need food. When you feel guilty, you need to apologize.
It may take trying on several needs before you find the one that is true for you. You may also have many needs attached to one feeling. For example, if you feel lonely, your need may be to call a friend, to get a hug from your partner, to connect with yourself.
S TOP P UTTING O THERS ’ F EELINGS AND N EEDS AHEAD OF Y OUR O WN 71
Be on the alert for answers that are not truly responsive to you. For example, “I feel sad, therefore I need some candy,” or “I feel angry, so I need to hit him.” Tap into your inher- ent wisdom and relax into a more logical, self-nurturing answer. Ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really need?” For example, “Express myself (write, sing),” “Get physical (walk, stomp),” “Develop a plan,” “Learn from it (next time I
will ).”
Remedy #10: Stop Treating Yourself the Way Your Parents Treated You
Many Nice Girls deprive, abandon, control, shame, or ignore them- selves just as their parents did to them. You may be so used to being deprived that you continue to deprive yourself. You may be so used to being ignored that you ignore yourself.
For instance, if you were neglected as a child
Notice any tension in your body—in your shoulders, your neck, your jaw, your stomach, your hands.
Take a few more deep breaths and ask yourself what emo- tion is connected to this tension. Is it anger? Fear? Sadness?
Now, taking the information you have gathered both from the expression on your face and the tension in your body, what emotions do you think you are feeling?
Remedy #8: Make It a Practice of Checking In with Your Feelings Several Times a Day
Start by making sure you check in with your feelings at least once a day. The best times are when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed. You can even do it when you are driving to and from someplace (as long as your emotions don’t become so strong that they interfere with your driving).
Take a few minutes to center yourself. Take some deep breaths and clear your mind of any thoughts. Go inside yourself and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” For simplicity’s sake, check for the following emotions: anger, sadness, fear, and guilt.
Start by asking yourself, “Am I feeling angry?” Check in with yourself and allow any angry feelings you might have to surface. If the answer is yes, simply list (in your head, out
70 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
loud, or on paper) the reasons you are feeling this way. For example, “I’m angry that .” Or “I’m angry because .” If the answer is “no,” proceed to the next emotion.
Now ask yourself, “Am I feeling sad?” Again, allow the feel- ings of sadness to bubble up and list all the reasons you feel sad.
The next question is, “Am I feeling afraid?” Allow the feel- ings of fear to come up if they are there. If they are not, go on to the next feeling.
Ask yourself, “Am I feeling guilty?” Allow the feelings to surface and list all the reasons you feel guilty.
You do not need to do anything about the feelings that have surfaced. The point of the check-in is to help you to keep in touch with your feelings.
Remedy #9: Connect Your Feelings with Your Needs
Now you are ready to connect your feelings with your needs. The following exercise, based on a process by Laurel Mellin in her Solutions Program, will help you make the connection.
E XERCISE : F EELINGS AND N EEDS
Check in with yourself several times a day by going inside and asking yourself what you are feeling.
When you find a feeling, look for the corresponding need. Ask yourself, “What do I need?” Often the answer will be, “Feel my feeling and let it fade.” Answer in the simplest way instead of confusing the issue with too many details or com- plexities. For example, if you are hungry, you need food. When you feel guilty, you need to apologize.
It may take trying on several needs before you find the one that is true for you. You may also have many needs attached to one feeling. For example, if you feel lonely, your need may be to call a friend, to get a hug from your partner, to connect with yourself.
S TOP P UTTING O THERS ’ F EELINGS AND N EEDS AHEAD OF Y OUR O WN 71
Be on the alert for answers that are not truly responsive to you. For example, “I feel sad, therefore I need some candy,” or “I feel angry, so I need to hit him.” Tap into your inher- ent wisdom and relax into a more logical, self-nurturing answer. Ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really need?” For example, “Express myself (write, sing),” “Get physical (walk, stomp),” “Develop a plan,” “Learn from it (next time I
will ).”
Remedy #10: Stop Treating Yourself the Way Your Parents Treated You
Many Nice Girls deprive, abandon, control, shame, or ignore them- selves just as their parents did to them. You may be so used to being deprived that you continue to deprive yourself. You may be so used to being ignored that you ignore yourself.
For instance, if you were neglected as a child
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