or if you were given the message that your own needs didn’t matter and that you should always put other people’s needs first, you may now neglect yourself. This is because we often treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. In fact, as adults, we often treat ourselves worse than we were treated while growing up.
An important aspect of self-care is discovering all the ways you treat yourself the way your parents treated you as a child.
E XERCISE : H OW Y OU N EGLECT AND D EPRIVE
Y OURSELF THE W AY Y OUR P ARENTS D ID
Make a list of the ways you neglect or deprive yourself of what you need.
Write down every example you can think of regarding how your parents neglected to take care of you. Include ways they deprived you emotionally, as well as physically.
Take a close look at your list and see if there is a connection between the way you treat yourself today and how you were treated by your parents.
You do not have to stay trapped in repeating the depriving behavior you learned from your parents. You can become the
72 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
responsive, nurturing parent to yourself that you deserved all along.
Remedy #11: Discover What Focusing on Others Does for You Today
The reason women began focusing on others in the first place may have come from their past conditioning, but there are also reasons they continue this behavior today. In other words, there is a payoff for continuing to focus outside of ourselves. One of the main reasons is that often, by focusing on the needs of others, we can avoid fac- ing what we are feeling. This is particularly true whenever we obsess about someone else, such as a partner or a child. In fact, it is safe to say that whenever we are obsessing about anything, we are avoiding ourselves. For this reason, I suggest you do the following whenever you find yourself worrying about someone else constantly. Ask your- self these two questions: “What am I trying to avoid?” and “What am I feeling?”
The following exercise will also help you discover the payoffs you can experience whenever you focus outside of yourself.
E XERCISE : P AYOFFS TO F OCUSING O UTSIDE OF Y OURSELF
Take some time to think about what you get out of focusing on others more than on yourself or to the exclusion of your- self. For example, one answer that may come to you is that it is just a habit. That is a valid answer but try to dig a bit deeper to find some actual payoffs —specific benefits that you experi- ence when you focus outside of yourself.
Make a list of the reasons that you come up with. This may be difficult at first but keep working on it until you come up with some answers. The following example of reasons written by my client Lily may help give you some ideas:
It is a habit. I just do it automatically without thinking.
It makes me feel good to help someone else.
I think it is selfish and self-centered to think of myself.
I don’t think my needs are important.
S TOP P UTTING O THERS ’ F EELINGS AND N EEDS AHEAD OF Y OUR O WN 73
Now I invite you to go even deeper to examine the benefits of focusing on the needs and feelings of others or for your caretaking behavior. Here is what my client Lily wrote:
I realize that one of the reasons I feel good when I help some- one else is that it makes me feel superior to them.
I also realize that thinking about others keeps me from paying attention to myself. I am constantly critical of myself, always finding fault. Focusing on others gives me a break from my negative self-talk.
I somehow need to justify my existence and I do this by help- ing others. I have so much self-doubt, so many feelings of not being “okay,” and helping others temporarily takes those feel- ings away.
Remedy #12: Start Giving to Yourself What You Give to Others
Contrary to the old saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Nice Girls need to start treating themselves the way they treat others.
Make a list of all the things you do for
An important aspect of self-care is discovering all the ways you treat yourself the way your parents treated you as a child.
E XERCISE : H OW Y OU N EGLECT AND D EPRIVE
Y OURSELF THE W AY Y OUR P ARENTS D ID
Make a list of the ways you neglect or deprive yourself of what you need.
Write down every example you can think of regarding how your parents neglected to take care of you. Include ways they deprived you emotionally, as well as physically.
Take a close look at your list and see if there is a connection between the way you treat yourself today and how you were treated by your parents.
You do not have to stay trapped in repeating the depriving behavior you learned from your parents. You can become the
72 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME
responsive, nurturing parent to yourself that you deserved all along.
Remedy #11: Discover What Focusing on Others Does for You Today
The reason women began focusing on others in the first place may have come from their past conditioning, but there are also reasons they continue this behavior today. In other words, there is a payoff for continuing to focus outside of ourselves. One of the main reasons is that often, by focusing on the needs of others, we can avoid fac- ing what we are feeling. This is particularly true whenever we obsess about someone else, such as a partner or a child. In fact, it is safe to say that whenever we are obsessing about anything, we are avoiding ourselves. For this reason, I suggest you do the following whenever you find yourself worrying about someone else constantly. Ask your- self these two questions: “What am I trying to avoid?” and “What am I feeling?”
The following exercise will also help you discover the payoffs you can experience whenever you focus outside of yourself.
E XERCISE : P AYOFFS TO F OCUSING O UTSIDE OF Y OURSELF
Take some time to think about what you get out of focusing on others more than on yourself or to the exclusion of your- self. For example, one answer that may come to you is that it is just a habit. That is a valid answer but try to dig a bit deeper to find some actual payoffs —specific benefits that you experi- ence when you focus outside of yourself.
Make a list of the reasons that you come up with. This may be difficult at first but keep working on it until you come up with some answers. The following example of reasons written by my client Lily may help give you some ideas:
It is a habit. I just do it automatically without thinking.
It makes me feel good to help someone else.
I think it is selfish and self-centered to think of myself.
I don’t think my needs are important.
S TOP P UTTING O THERS ’ F EELINGS AND N EEDS AHEAD OF Y OUR O WN 73
Now I invite you to go even deeper to examine the benefits of focusing on the needs and feelings of others or for your caretaking behavior. Here is what my client Lily wrote:
I realize that one of the reasons I feel good when I help some- one else is that it makes me feel superior to them.
I also realize that thinking about others keeps me from paying attention to myself. I am constantly critical of myself, always finding fault. Focusing on others gives me a break from my negative self-talk.
I somehow need to justify my existence and I do this by help- ing others. I have so much self-doubt, so many feelings of not being “okay,” and helping others temporarily takes those feel- ings away.
Remedy #12: Start Giving to Yourself What You Give to Others
Contrary to the old saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Nice Girls need to start treating themselves the way they treat others.
Make a list of all the things you do for
Similar Books
