The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes by E. Henry Thripshaw Page B

is out shopping he secretly drives to the next town and dumps it. He can’t believe his eyes when he gets home and finds the cat sitting outside the front door. A couple of days later his wife goes out shopping again, so he drives fifty miles and dumps the cat on the motorway. When he gets home, to his amazement, the cat is sitting outside the front door. This goes on for a couple of weeks, then one day he drives 200 miles and dumps the cat on the other side of the country. A couple of hours later he rings his wife and asks, “Is the cat home?”
    “Yes, why?” asks his wife.
    “Put the little bastard on the phone,” he says, “I’m lost.”
    What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
    Turn the grill down.
    How do you make a cat flap?
    Throw it off a cliff.
    Two female cats are sitting on the fence when a really good-looking tom walks by and winks at them. “Did you see that?” one of the cats says. “I wouldn’t mind sharing a dead mouse with him!”
    “Oh, forget about him,” her friend tells her. “I went out with him once, and all he did was go on and on about his fucking operation.”
    A little boy was at the supermarket checkout with a huge box of detergent. The checkout girl, trying to be friendly, asked him he had a lot of laundry to do.
    “Not laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my kitten.”
    “You shouldn’t use this to wash your kitten. It is very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, you’ll make him very ill. You might even kill him.”
    Nevertheless the little boy paid for his box of detergent and went on his way. A couple of weeks later the little boy was back in the supermarket buying some chocolate. The checkout girl asked the boy how his kitten was doing.
    “Oh, he died,” the boy said.
    “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your kitten.”
    The little boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
    “Oh, I’m sorry. How did he die?”
    “Dunno,” says the boy, “but I think it might have been the spin cycle.”
    I bought a “Bag For Life” from Tesco. They are so much better for drowning kittens than normal bin bags.
    Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What goes on there, Jimmy?”
    “My goldfish died,” replied Jimmy tearfully, “and I’ve just buried him.”
    The neighbour was perplexed. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
    Jimmy patted down the last heap of earth. “Yes it is,” he replied. “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

CHAVS
     
    What do you say to a chav when he’s at work?
    “Big Mac and fries, please.”
    What do you call a chav in a suit?
    The accused.
    What do you call a chav in a white shell suit?
    The bride.
    Two chavs in a car without any music – who’s driving?
    The police.
    What do you call a thirty-year-old female chav?
    Granny.
    How do you know if you’re definitely a chav?
    You let your fifteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her children.
    Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?
    It’s probably your bike.
    What’s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?
    Father’s Day.
    Two chavs race their Vauxhall Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first – who wins?
    Society.

CHILDBIRTH
     
    A white guy is awaiting his newborn baby in the delivery room. The midwife comes in and hands him a black baby. “Is this yours?” asks the nurse.
    “Quite probably,” he replies, “she burns everything.”
    A young girl in the maternity ward is just about to go into labour when the midwife asks her if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.
    “Okay. Do you have a boyfriend?” asks the midwife.
    “No, no boyfriend either.”
    “Do you have a partner, then?”
    “No, I’m single, I’ll be having my baby on my