The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes by E. Henry Thripshaw

doctor and the patient finally get together. Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, “I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?”
    “The good news.”
    “Okay. The reports say that your cancer has spread and that you have forty-eight hours to live.”
    “You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?”
    “Well, the bad news is that I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday.”
    I’ll never forget the day my wife was diagnosed with cancer. She never bloody well shuts up about it.

CANNIBALS
     
    What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
    He wiped his arse.
    Did you hear about the cannibal who turned up late for lunch?
    They gave him the cold shoulder.
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    “Does this taste funny to you?”
    A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill and eat you. We will put you in a pot and cook you and then after we have eaten you we’ll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
    The Frenchman says, “I choose to die by the sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
    The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head, saying, “God save the Queen!” and blows his brains out.
    The Irishman says, “Give me a fork.” The chief is baffled, but shrugs and hands him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over, shouting: “So much for your fucking canoe, suckers!”
    What is the definition of trust?
    Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
“ Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods? ”
    Two cannibals, a father and son, were sent by their tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited behind a tree. After a while along came a little old man. The son said, “Dad, there’s one.”
    “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one even to feed the dogs. We’ll wait.”
    A little while later, along came this really fat guy. The son said, “Dad, let’s eat the bastard.”
    “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the cholesterol in that one. We’ll wait.”
    About an hour later, along comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now, there’s nothing wrong with that one, dad. Let’s eat her.”
    “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”
    “Why not?” asked the son.
    “We’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”
    What did Hannibal Lecter say about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?
    “Mmmm . . . pop-tarts!”

CARS
     
    A Mini Cooper with dark tinted windows pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a red light. The Mini driver rolls down his window and asks the Rolls Royce driver, “You got a telephone in that Roller?”
    “As a matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me,” says the Roller driver.
    “Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a TV in that Roller?”
    The Roller driver replies: “Yes I do, right here on the dash.”
    “Me too,” says the Mini driver. “You got a twin bed in the back seat?”
    The Roller driver replies: “Er . . . no.”
    “I do,” says the Mini driver, just as the light turns green and he shoots off. The Rolls Royce driver makes a note of the registration number then heads straight to the nearest Rolls Royce dealer. “Yes,” the dealership assistant tells him, “we do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your car.” So, after about a week the Roller driver picks up his car with the newly installed twin bed.
    A couple of days later he spots the Mini Cooper in a car park. He gets out of his car, walks over to the Mini and starts rapping on the back