The Big "O": A Romantic Comedy by H. Raven Rose Page B

what I said and number 2, how the fuck would I know what two homosexuals do in the privacy of their own fuckfest, Edwin? That's outside my exper-fucking-tise and, frankly, dickwad, none of my or your judgmental business. Love is love and sacred, whoever it's between,” Victor said.
    “Sorry, man. That wasn't what I meant at all,” Edwin said.
    “Apology accepted, ass-hat,” Victor said and sat back down.
    “Okay, okay. Settle down. Let's not go down this road, either, gentlemen,” Max said with irritation, “Victor, let's start with a brief list of former uh, girlfriends, and such.” Max turned to face the oversized pad of paper clipped to the easel and prepared to take notes.
    “Just the ones who were serious relationships… no one night stands, or hook-ups,” Edwin said, “the list needs to be manageable.”
    Victor immediately brightened up. This bit would be fun.
    “Okay, asshole. I get it. Only the mystical creatures that geeks like you never got, no bangs or shags,” Victor said and then thought for a moment, “There was Amy, Tammy, Jilly, and then Heather.”
    “Okay, five serious relationships,” Max said.
    Max wrote the list of names on the giant pad of paper.
    “Serious-ish. None were Juliette,” Victor clarified.
    “So, how exactly did you pleasure these women?” Edwin asked delicately.
    “Well, I started by arousing them, obviously,” Victor said.
    “How, exactly?” Max asked, marker in hand. Victor thought a minute.
    “I… Well, I'd start touching her,” Victor finally said.
    “Where, exactly?” Edwin asked helpfully.
    “I'd touch her va jay jay, of course…” Victor snarled.
    “The va jay jay of each of them?” Max clarified.
    “Yeah,” Victor said.
    “But not at the same time,” Edwin said, as if that were in question.
    “Obviously, asshole,” Victor replied.
    “Okay. Go on…” Max said.
    “Then, they'd…” Victor said to Max. Then he paused, turned to Edwin and added, “…individually” he said to make his statement comprehensible.
    “…touch my cock and then, generally, they'd writhe about, or some such bullshit, and moan, and then Wham! Bam! Thank you, Ma'am. The deed was done,” he finished, directing most of his response to Max.
    “That's the secret recipe?” Edwin asked.
    “So, mutual stimulation for arousal and then you stick em with the Cock-a-Doodle Doo, and take it on home?” Max asked.
    Victor looked back and forth between each of his friends and narrowed his eyes.
    “What the fuck, dudes? Yeah, that's it. Like you two are some kinda Greek deities? What'd you two do? Appear as a white bull then seduce and make it with whatever mortal women are around? Maybe have Eros dart them in the ass with an arrow first?” Victor said angrily.
    “Don't get so emotional, Victor,” Edwin said, “We’re trying to help you man. We’re taking time out of our lives for this.” Max looked at his watched and groaned. He put down the marker that he had been using to write.
    “Speaking of the time, I gotta go. Emily's gonna be pissed,” Max said.
    “Me too, we're going out to dinner,” Edwin said and stood up. He dusted off the seat of his pants, as if he might have inadvertently gotten dirty from the plaid couch. Victor frowned.
    “What the fuck are our next steps, dudes?” Victor asked.
    “Vic, map what you used to do right,” Max said and tapped the large pad of paper, “then e-mail me last names. Edwin, come up with a strategy to reverse-engineer Victor's sexual prowess.” Then Max ran up the stairs. Edwin turned to follow.
    “That implies he had sexual prowess,” Edwin said under his breath.
    Victor didn’t hear exactly what Edward said but he knew that the guy had said something.
    “Did you say something, Edwino?” Victor asked. Edwin ignored him.
    “Didn't fucking think so,” Victor said.
    The guys left and Victor planned a romantic evening for himself and his wife. He thought about technique and even researched it a bit online. After