came, I called.
I left a message for the show’s producer at 11:30 A.M. She called back within the hour. There would be no rabid television audience, she said—no live audience at all, just two other guests and a few phone callers. It was to be a balanced, intelligent discussion on the topic of—I still laugh at her term—“mansharing.” By 3:15 that same afternoon, a car arrived at my house to take me to the airport. By 5:30 I was on a plane headed for Washington, D.C., and my first national television appearance.
The set design attempted to hint at living-room ease, but the
BET Tonight
logo was displayed so prominently, the stiffness of television land could not be forgotten. I was seated next to one guest, a perfectly placed cup of water in front of each of us. The second guest appeared on a TV monitor via satellite. We watched as she readied herself in San Francisco. Our host was whisked in at the last moment before broadcast and quickly seated across from me.
Earlier, the producer had informed me that the two guests I’d be speaking with were “experts,” one in favor of open relationships, the other against. She was almost right. I was left to converse with two experts who held exactly the same opinion: Women who “share their men” are insecure, confused women who don’t know the potential for depth, security, and connection in a one-on-one relationship. The two Expert Relationship Therapists talked at length about “mansharing” in terms of lying, cheating, and deceit, clandestine phone calls and hidden rendezvous behind other women’s backs. They spoke of it as asituation that only a weak woman with no alternative would accept. They had little concept of a woman who might love more than one partner, of relationships based on complete openness, spiritual love, and balance.
I stayed relatively calm, more so than I had anticipated. I chose not to take the defensive, or to approach the discussion as if it were a debate. In fact, I was surprisingly levelheaded and articulate, given that it was live TV. I talked in general terms about my innate understanding of sexuality as a beautiful experience that may be expressed in a myriad of healthy ways. And I spoke specifically about my experience with Keith, whom I have loved since college. We have had a powerful, dynamic, more-than-ten-year relationship, while simultaneously having other important loves as well. It worked for us. Everyone involved was happy. We respected each other, met each other’s needs, and kept the whole thing remarkably real, loving, and honest. Keith and his live-in girlfriend knew I was going on BET, and they were cool with that.
The show, meanwhile, was a subtle comedy of miscommunication, an understated
Who’s On First?
Host: “If I hear what the experts are saying, you are in denial, you have a maturity problem… yet you decide to put your face all over television. Let me ask you, why are you okay with a mansharing relationship?”
Me: “Honestly, I feel I’m more than okay with it; it’s natural for me to be in a state of openness in my relationships.”
Expert #1: “I think you can glamorize that you have commitmentphobia, or other issues, so that even you believe you know what youre doing.”
Expert #2: “There is a price to be paid when you are subjected to the abuse of mansharing, and the price for most women is their self-esteem.”
Host: “Some make the argument that women are involved in this because there is a shortage of available men. Your thoughts?”
Me: “No, it’s something very different from that. This is the organic development of my way of loving.”
Expert #1: “What do you mean by
organic?”
Host: “Do you maybe stay with your man because he takes you out, buys you nice things?”
Though it seems we missed talking to each other (and even about the same topic) by quite some margin, I believe we all accomplished what we set out to do.
BET Tonight
aired a show on a controversial topic that
I left a message for the show’s producer at 11:30 A.M. She called back within the hour. There would be no rabid television audience, she said—no live audience at all, just two other guests and a few phone callers. It was to be a balanced, intelligent discussion on the topic of—I still laugh at her term—“mansharing.” By 3:15 that same afternoon, a car arrived at my house to take me to the airport. By 5:30 I was on a plane headed for Washington, D.C., and my first national television appearance.
The set design attempted to hint at living-room ease, but the
BET Tonight
logo was displayed so prominently, the stiffness of television land could not be forgotten. I was seated next to one guest, a perfectly placed cup of water in front of each of us. The second guest appeared on a TV monitor via satellite. We watched as she readied herself in San Francisco. Our host was whisked in at the last moment before broadcast and quickly seated across from me.
Earlier, the producer had informed me that the two guests I’d be speaking with were “experts,” one in favor of open relationships, the other against. She was almost right. I was left to converse with two experts who held exactly the same opinion: Women who “share their men” are insecure, confused women who don’t know the potential for depth, security, and connection in a one-on-one relationship. The two Expert Relationship Therapists talked at length about “mansharing” in terms of lying, cheating, and deceit, clandestine phone calls and hidden rendezvous behind other women’s backs. They spoke of it as asituation that only a weak woman with no alternative would accept. They had little concept of a woman who might love more than one partner, of relationships based on complete openness, spiritual love, and balance.
I stayed relatively calm, more so than I had anticipated. I chose not to take the defensive, or to approach the discussion as if it were a debate. In fact, I was surprisingly levelheaded and articulate, given that it was live TV. I talked in general terms about my innate understanding of sexuality as a beautiful experience that may be expressed in a myriad of healthy ways. And I spoke specifically about my experience with Keith, whom I have loved since college. We have had a powerful, dynamic, more-than-ten-year relationship, while simultaneously having other important loves as well. It worked for us. Everyone involved was happy. We respected each other, met each other’s needs, and kept the whole thing remarkably real, loving, and honest. Keith and his live-in girlfriend knew I was going on BET, and they were cool with that.
The show, meanwhile, was a subtle comedy of miscommunication, an understated
Who’s On First?
Host: “If I hear what the experts are saying, you are in denial, you have a maturity problem… yet you decide to put your face all over television. Let me ask you, why are you okay with a mansharing relationship?”
Me: “Honestly, I feel I’m more than okay with it; it’s natural for me to be in a state of openness in my relationships.”
Expert #1: “I think you can glamorize that you have commitmentphobia, or other issues, so that even you believe you know what youre doing.”
Expert #2: “There is a price to be paid when you are subjected to the abuse of mansharing, and the price for most women is their self-esteem.”
Host: “Some make the argument that women are involved in this because there is a shortage of available men. Your thoughts?”
Me: “No, it’s something very different from that. This is the organic development of my way of loving.”
Expert #1: “What do you mean by
organic?”
Host: “Do you maybe stay with your man because he takes you out, buys you nice things?”
Though it seems we missed talking to each other (and even about the same topic) by quite some margin, I believe we all accomplished what we set out to do.
BET Tonight
aired a show on a controversial topic that
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