talk” safeword. (Do they know that “611” is the repair service number?)
I cannot overemphasize the importance of always having a safeword system in effect when you play. Some experienced players consider themselves so skilled, perceptive, and advanced that they don’t need such a “basic” safety measure. This is dangerous folly. Understand clearly: playing without a safeword will inevitably lead to serious problems. You may get away with playing without a safeword for a while, perhaps even a long while, but eventually some disaster will occur that a safeword would have prevented. (It’s also my experience that submissives who have a safeword are noticeably more likely to accept intense play than those who lack one.)
A wise dominant remembers that submissives sometimes forget their safewords. A wise dominant also remembers that submissives may feel too embarrassed to confess this. Therefore, they make sure a submissive remembers their safewords before beginning another session with them. It’s also smart for the dominant to make sure the submissive remembers their safewords before significantly increasing a session’s intensity - especially regarding pain. (For these reasons, particularly when playing with somebody new, it may be a good idea to ask the submissive what safeword they’re used to using, and to choose that one for the session.)
Also, a submissive sometimes becomes so accepting of the dominant’s wishes or so “endorphined-out” by the session that calling their safeword will not occur to them. I know submissives who “go under” so deeply that they seem to leave their body. In such a case, an unperceptive dominant could unknowingly cause severe damage because the submissive wouldn’t be “home” to object.
One characteristic of a good dominant is that - while they always give their submissives safewords - the submissives rarely need to use them, especially a scene-stopper like “red.” As a submissive approaches their limits, a skilled dominant watches them closely. The submissive will typically become increasingly tense. Their breathing will become tighter and more labored. Their muscles will grow more rigid. A good dominant backs off before the submissive calls their safeword.
The Ethics of Safewords
Ethical and practical considerations exist regarding safewords. They are our number-one safety measure. Treat them with proper respect. A dominant absolutely must honor a safeword. This is true even if they believe the circumstances do not warrant the submissive’s calling it. This is true even if the submissive calls the safeword in an unethical attempt to manipulate the session. A dominant must always honor a safeword - whatever the submissive’s motives. Understand that continuing to whip or otherwise inflict pain on a submissive, or to keep them restrained after they’ve called a safeword, is a crime.
Sometimes I want you to do things to me that I hate.
Failure to honor a safeword is serious misconduct - perhaps the most serious misconduct an SM player can commit. It would justify never playing with that person again, and might justify ending your relationship with them altogether. Failure to honor a safeword also might be grounds for expulsion from an SM organization. The offending player would have to show why they should not be expelled, and they would face an uphill fight.
Another serious breach of ethics on the dominant’s part is to say or imply to a submissive, especially to a bound submissive, that maybe they don’t feel like honoring the safeword. This may destroy the submissive’s trust, and is grounds for the submissive to end the session immediately.
Don’t joke about safewords. Don’t imply that you won’t honor them. Even one such remark may permanently destroy the trust a submissive considers essential to play with you. If the submissive thinks you might not honor the safewords, they may quietly conclude they are in danger of being tortured to
I cannot overemphasize the importance of always having a safeword system in effect when you play. Some experienced players consider themselves so skilled, perceptive, and advanced that they don’t need such a “basic” safety measure. This is dangerous folly. Understand clearly: playing without a safeword will inevitably lead to serious problems. You may get away with playing without a safeword for a while, perhaps even a long while, but eventually some disaster will occur that a safeword would have prevented. (It’s also my experience that submissives who have a safeword are noticeably more likely to accept intense play than those who lack one.)
A wise dominant remembers that submissives sometimes forget their safewords. A wise dominant also remembers that submissives may feel too embarrassed to confess this. Therefore, they make sure a submissive remembers their safewords before beginning another session with them. It’s also smart for the dominant to make sure the submissive remembers their safewords before significantly increasing a session’s intensity - especially regarding pain. (For these reasons, particularly when playing with somebody new, it may be a good idea to ask the submissive what safeword they’re used to using, and to choose that one for the session.)
Also, a submissive sometimes becomes so accepting of the dominant’s wishes or so “endorphined-out” by the session that calling their safeword will not occur to them. I know submissives who “go under” so deeply that they seem to leave their body. In such a case, an unperceptive dominant could unknowingly cause severe damage because the submissive wouldn’t be “home” to object.
One characteristic of a good dominant is that - while they always give their submissives safewords - the submissives rarely need to use them, especially a scene-stopper like “red.” As a submissive approaches their limits, a skilled dominant watches them closely. The submissive will typically become increasingly tense. Their breathing will become tighter and more labored. Their muscles will grow more rigid. A good dominant backs off before the submissive calls their safeword.
The Ethics of Safewords
Ethical and practical considerations exist regarding safewords. They are our number-one safety measure. Treat them with proper respect. A dominant absolutely must honor a safeword. This is true even if they believe the circumstances do not warrant the submissive’s calling it. This is true even if the submissive calls the safeword in an unethical attempt to manipulate the session. A dominant must always honor a safeword - whatever the submissive’s motives. Understand that continuing to whip or otherwise inflict pain on a submissive, or to keep them restrained after they’ve called a safeword, is a crime.
Sometimes I want you to do things to me that I hate.
Failure to honor a safeword is serious misconduct - perhaps the most serious misconduct an SM player can commit. It would justify never playing with that person again, and might justify ending your relationship with them altogether. Failure to honor a safeword also might be grounds for expulsion from an SM organization. The offending player would have to show why they should not be expelled, and they would face an uphill fight.
Another serious breach of ethics on the dominant’s part is to say or imply to a submissive, especially to a bound submissive, that maybe they don’t feel like honoring the safeword. This may destroy the submissive’s trust, and is grounds for the submissive to end the session immediately.
Don’t joke about safewords. Don’t imply that you won’t honor them. Even one such remark may permanently destroy the trust a submissive considers essential to play with you. If the submissive thinks you might not honor the safewords, they may quietly conclude they are in danger of being tortured to
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