death. They might then, particularly if they don’t know you well, decide not to test you on this point and end the session in the way that will most reliably remove them from danger - possibly by attacking you.
I heard of a dominant woman who bound a novice submissive man and then told him that maybe she wouldn’t honor their safewords. When the session became too intense for him, he simply slipped out of his restraints (she wasn’t as good at bondage as she thought) and left. When she tried to stop him, he doubled her over with a kick to her stomach and almost smashed in her face with a pair of heavy leg irons.
Get clear and stay clear about this: a dominant who “jokes” about not honoring safewords can get themselves killed.
Also, dominants should remember that some submissives want to be badly hurt. A few even want to be killed. And it’s not unusual for an endorphined-out submissive to decide that they want an activity that they would definitely regret later - and be very angry at you for doing. (Thus giving rise to the community saying, “Tops need safewords too.”) Remember that just because a submissive does not appear close to calling their safeword is not enough grounds to inflict more pain. Even with consent, you must not (and legally cannot) cause severe injury.
Safewords carry responsibilities for submissives, too. The submissive must never call a safeword, especially “red,” for frivolous or unethical reasons. On the other hand, a submissive shouldn’t wait until they are seconds away from a nervous breakdown before they call a safeword, particularly when playing with somebody new. Remember that it will take time to remove clamps, untie ropes, and so forth. The submissive might be carried beyond their limits and into trauma during that time. Don’t wait until the last instant to “bail out.” No heroics!
On the other hand, it’s common for a submissive to “test” a safeword during a session to make sure that the dominant will honor it in the future. This is particularly likely during their first few sessions with a new partner. Don’t worry, they’ll get over it.
Also, when being submissive, don’t use your safeword to “top from below.” It’s not enough that you’d simply rather be doing something else. Safewords exist to protect you from serious damage. Never use them frivolously.
You haven’t tied me up in over three weeks. Is something wrong?
Non-Verbal Safewords
Players who use gags or similar devices obviously need non-verbal signals. Some such signals include vigorous nodding of the head “yes,” waving the foot in a particular pattern, snapping the fingers, grunting a certain way, or dropping something held in the hand. People who play in darkened rooms need audible signals - some players give the submissive a squeaky toy to hold.
One good non-verbal safeword is snapping the fingers. (This may not work if the submissive is on their back with their hands tied behind them.) Loud grunts are also possible for a gagged submissive. These work well, but a dominant might confuse them with a submissive’s moans. One workable pattern is that two grunts equal yellow and three grunts equal red.
A few clever submissives learn how to finger-spell the deaf-mute alphabet. If the dominant learns to read it (the basics are easy), much communication becomes possible between the silenced submissive and the dominant.
Checking In
One problem with safewords is that they require initiative on the part of the submissive. From time to time, I hear about a scene in which the submissive had a bad experience and afterwards is feeling reproachful, and the poor dominant is bewilderedly saying “But they didn’t safeword!” I think the fact that the submissive did not safeword is a partial, but not a complete, defense. However, it’s certainly no excuse for not knowing what’s going on with your submissive.
She had that expectant glow about her. You know, the kind that
I heard of a dominant woman who bound a novice submissive man and then told him that maybe she wouldn’t honor their safewords. When the session became too intense for him, he simply slipped out of his restraints (she wasn’t as good at bondage as she thought) and left. When she tried to stop him, he doubled her over with a kick to her stomach and almost smashed in her face with a pair of heavy leg irons.
Get clear and stay clear about this: a dominant who “jokes” about not honoring safewords can get themselves killed.
Also, dominants should remember that some submissives want to be badly hurt. A few even want to be killed. And it’s not unusual for an endorphined-out submissive to decide that they want an activity that they would definitely regret later - and be very angry at you for doing. (Thus giving rise to the community saying, “Tops need safewords too.”) Remember that just because a submissive does not appear close to calling their safeword is not enough grounds to inflict more pain. Even with consent, you must not (and legally cannot) cause severe injury.
Safewords carry responsibilities for submissives, too. The submissive must never call a safeword, especially “red,” for frivolous or unethical reasons. On the other hand, a submissive shouldn’t wait until they are seconds away from a nervous breakdown before they call a safeword, particularly when playing with somebody new. Remember that it will take time to remove clamps, untie ropes, and so forth. The submissive might be carried beyond their limits and into trauma during that time. Don’t wait until the last instant to “bail out.” No heroics!
On the other hand, it’s common for a submissive to “test” a safeword during a session to make sure that the dominant will honor it in the future. This is particularly likely during their first few sessions with a new partner. Don’t worry, they’ll get over it.
Also, when being submissive, don’t use your safeword to “top from below.” It’s not enough that you’d simply rather be doing something else. Safewords exist to protect you from serious damage. Never use them frivolously.
You haven’t tied me up in over three weeks. Is something wrong?
Non-Verbal Safewords
Players who use gags or similar devices obviously need non-verbal signals. Some such signals include vigorous nodding of the head “yes,” waving the foot in a particular pattern, snapping the fingers, grunting a certain way, or dropping something held in the hand. People who play in darkened rooms need audible signals - some players give the submissive a squeaky toy to hold.
One good non-verbal safeword is snapping the fingers. (This may not work if the submissive is on their back with their hands tied behind them.) Loud grunts are also possible for a gagged submissive. These work well, but a dominant might confuse them with a submissive’s moans. One workable pattern is that two grunts equal yellow and three grunts equal red.
A few clever submissives learn how to finger-spell the deaf-mute alphabet. If the dominant learns to read it (the basics are easy), much communication becomes possible between the silenced submissive and the dominant.
Checking In
One problem with safewords is that they require initiative on the part of the submissive. From time to time, I hear about a scene in which the submissive had a bad experience and afterwards is feeling reproachful, and the poor dominant is bewilderedly saying “But they didn’t safeword!” I think the fact that the submissive did not safeword is a partial, but not a complete, defense. However, it’s certainly no excuse for not knowing what’s going on with your submissive.
She had that expectant glow about her. You know, the kind that
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