masochists get?
For this reason, dominants need some way that they can ascertain what I call “affirmative consent,” preferably without asking a somewhat-mood-disturbing question like “Are you OK?” (After all, they’re “tormenting” the submissive.)
Some verbal “check-ins” that work well are “Are you still with me?” and “Do you remember your safeword?” (By the way, “Yes” is not an adequate answer to this second question; “Yes, master or mistress, it’s ‘gorgonzola’ ” is much better.)
Two squeezes means I’m OK. I invented the “two squeezes” technique, and I’ve found it works well. To use this technique, the dominant places their hand on the submissive’s body and gives two firm and noticeable (but not painful) squeezes. The dominant usually does this by grasping the submissive’s hand, but also can use other places such as the wrist, shoulder, or thigh. (I suggest avoiding the breasts and genitals.) The two squeezes ask “are you OK?”
The submissive replies that they are OK by giving two squeezes in return. Note: The dominant can learn a lot about the submissive’s state of mind by noting how the submissive returns the squeezes. Two quick, brisk squeezes show that the submissive is alert and “in the room with you.” Two long, slow squeezes show that the submissive is OK but “deep under.”
If the submissive is in a position that makes it difficult for them to squeeze in return, they could answer by opening and closing their fist twice. They also could answer by nodding their head twice, by pointing their foot twice, or by sending another non-verbal signal.
(By the way, an experienced submissive who is “teaching from below” can also use this technique to check in with a novice dominant.)
What if you squeeze and don’t get two squeezes in return? The first action you should take, particularly if the preceding play has been intense, is wait. (In particular, don’t give any more pain.) Remember that it sometimes takes a submissive a while to “swim back up” far enough to answer. It also sometimes takes a while for them to realize that their dominant asked them a question and they must reply. (Remember, sometimes submissives go so deeply under that they experience themselves as having melted or dissolved.)
If you’ve waited about thirty seconds and haven’t received “return squeezes,” give two more, slightly stronger, squeezes. If the submissive doesn’t respond to these new squeezes after about thirty seconds, check in with them in a more verbal, direct manner. Ask them a question like, “how are you doing?” or “what’s going on?” Make sure of their condition before you proceed.
The “two squeezes” technique usually works extremely well. It provides a simple, workable way for both parties to communicate that they are all right without either having to break the mood verbally.
The first time I talked my wife into tying me up, I was trembling like a leaf - not with fear, with excitement.
Degree of spread equals degree of distress. I once did a session in which I bottomed to a very experienced and well-known mistress who specializes in flogging. She instructed me that if my hands were somewhat relaxed and curled, she would interpret that as meaning I was OK. I was to spread my fingers to show my degree of distress - the wider-spread my hand was, the more trouble I was having receiving the flogging. I found that this signal worked very well for me, and have since used it in my own dominant sessions to good effect.
Negotiation
There’s an old SM saying (which I invented) that goes, “When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations.”
I regard negotiation as the single most important SM skill. Before two (or more) people play, they must agree who will do what,
For this reason, dominants need some way that they can ascertain what I call “affirmative consent,” preferably without asking a somewhat-mood-disturbing question like “Are you OK?” (After all, they’re “tormenting” the submissive.)
Some verbal “check-ins” that work well are “Are you still with me?” and “Do you remember your safeword?” (By the way, “Yes” is not an adequate answer to this second question; “Yes, master or mistress, it’s ‘gorgonzola’ ” is much better.)
Two squeezes means I’m OK. I invented the “two squeezes” technique, and I’ve found it works well. To use this technique, the dominant places their hand on the submissive’s body and gives two firm and noticeable (but not painful) squeezes. The dominant usually does this by grasping the submissive’s hand, but also can use other places such as the wrist, shoulder, or thigh. (I suggest avoiding the breasts and genitals.) The two squeezes ask “are you OK?”
The submissive replies that they are OK by giving two squeezes in return. Note: The dominant can learn a lot about the submissive’s state of mind by noting how the submissive returns the squeezes. Two quick, brisk squeezes show that the submissive is alert and “in the room with you.” Two long, slow squeezes show that the submissive is OK but “deep under.”
If the submissive is in a position that makes it difficult for them to squeeze in return, they could answer by opening and closing their fist twice. They also could answer by nodding their head twice, by pointing their foot twice, or by sending another non-verbal signal.
(By the way, an experienced submissive who is “teaching from below” can also use this technique to check in with a novice dominant.)
What if you squeeze and don’t get two squeezes in return? The first action you should take, particularly if the preceding play has been intense, is wait. (In particular, don’t give any more pain.) Remember that it sometimes takes a submissive a while to “swim back up” far enough to answer. It also sometimes takes a while for them to realize that their dominant asked them a question and they must reply. (Remember, sometimes submissives go so deeply under that they experience themselves as having melted or dissolved.)
If you’ve waited about thirty seconds and haven’t received “return squeezes,” give two more, slightly stronger, squeezes. If the submissive doesn’t respond to these new squeezes after about thirty seconds, check in with them in a more verbal, direct manner. Ask them a question like, “how are you doing?” or “what’s going on?” Make sure of their condition before you proceed.
The “two squeezes” technique usually works extremely well. It provides a simple, workable way for both parties to communicate that they are all right without either having to break the mood verbally.
The first time I talked my wife into tying me up, I was trembling like a leaf - not with fear, with excitement.
Degree of spread equals degree of distress. I once did a session in which I bottomed to a very experienced and well-known mistress who specializes in flogging. She instructed me that if my hands were somewhat relaxed and curled, she would interpret that as meaning I was OK. I was to spread my fingers to show my degree of distress - the wider-spread my hand was, the more trouble I was having receiving the flogging. I found that this signal worked very well for me, and have since used it in my own dominant sessions to good effect.
Negotiation
There’s an old SM saying (which I invented) that goes, “When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations.”
I regard negotiation as the single most important SM skill. Before two (or more) people play, they must agree who will do what,
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