Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
Authors: Tristan Taormino
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atmosphere is sexually charged; flirting and petting are fine, but if you want to go beyond that you have to go to
someone's place. Some events take place at hotels, where you can
socialize in large public spaces and retire to your room for sexual
action.
Potential Issues and Conflicts in This Style
The conflicts that come up with partnered nonmonogamy apply also
to swinging, especially if sex becomes more than casual and recreational or you neglect your primary relationship in favor of swinging.
Because the swingers' world is so couples-centric, there is a built-in
expectation that your primary relationship should be the focus.
Couples come to swinging with the intention to maintain their relationship while having sex for fun and pleasure, but that doesn't mean
that things cannot go awry If you can find swingers who have similar
intentions and goals, you're ahead of the game.
A potential issue may come up with bi-curious or bisexual men.
It used to be that male bisexuality was forbidden in nearly every
swingers' space, but things have changed a great deal. Today, there are
swinger communities that support male/male attraction and sex, and
some events even cater to bisexual women and bisexual men. If you are
a bi-curious or bisexual man and you are concerned about whether
you will be accepted, I recommend you do some research to find bifriendly swingers near you. Similarly, if you are outside the core
demographic of swingers, know that there are swingers' groups for
people of color, urban swingers' parties, and events that cater to kinky
swingers or swingers under 40. If its swinging you want, you can
probably find a community within this large subculture that suits you.
PROFILE: AGNES AND RAYMOND
"We trust ourselves, therefore we trust each other."
AGNES IS A 55-YEAR-OLD sales representative with one of the largest
cosmetic companies in the US. Raymond is 55 and works for a public
utility company They live in Iowa and have been married for 20 years. This is the second marriage for both of them; during their courtship
and the beginning of their marriage, they were monogamous.
About six years ago, after 14 years of marriage, they were sharing
erotic fantasies with each other and Raymond asked Agnes if she had
ever had a fantasy about being with another woman; Agnes said yes.
They agreed they wanted to try to fulfill the fantasy, but they had no
idea how to do it. Agnes says, "We made a trip to Kansas City and
answered an ad placed by a woman in a weekly alternative newspaper.
She came to our hotel room and the three of us had sex. Okay, so we
had to pay her, but it was still fun!" After that positive experience, they
found a swingers' club closer to home, then went to a "swingers' week"
at a resort. For Agnes, the transition from monogamy to swinging was
a long process:
"When we first went on vacation to an adult resort-Hedonism II
in Jamaica-it wasn't difficult to go to the beach and get naked,
because we were already nudists. What was difficult was grasping the
concept that we were there to have sex with other people. I felt
immense pressure being put on me to `find someone to have sex with.'
Raymond thought he was giving me the freedom to find women or
couples I was comfortable around. I thought that everyone I talked to,
had coffee with, or met for dinner, it automatically meant we were
going to hook up. Way too much pressure. We eventually found a
couple that helped us get over our newbie jitters. Once we relaxed, we
met lots of new friends and had a great time; some new friends we had
sex with, some we didn't. It was definitely a new situation for both of
us and we learned a lot from that first vacation.
"After that vacation, followed by more swinger events, we talked
at length about how we felt, what we liked and disliked about the
event and the couples we met. The idea of sharing each other with
another person, and then talking about it, was scary at first. Seeing
someone's place. Some events take place at hotels, where you can
socialize in large public spaces and retire to your room for sexual
action.
Potential Issues and Conflicts in This Style
The conflicts that come up with partnered nonmonogamy apply also
to swinging, especially if sex becomes more than casual and recreational or you neglect your primary relationship in favor of swinging.
Because the swingers' world is so couples-centric, there is a built-in
expectation that your primary relationship should be the focus.
Couples come to swinging with the intention to maintain their relationship while having sex for fun and pleasure, but that doesn't mean
that things cannot go awry If you can find swingers who have similar
intentions and goals, you're ahead of the game.
A potential issue may come up with bi-curious or bisexual men.
It used to be that male bisexuality was forbidden in nearly every
swingers' space, but things have changed a great deal. Today, there are
swinger communities that support male/male attraction and sex, and
some events even cater to bisexual women and bisexual men. If you are
a bi-curious or bisexual man and you are concerned about whether
you will be accepted, I recommend you do some research to find bifriendly swingers near you. Similarly, if you are outside the core
demographic of swingers, know that there are swingers' groups for
people of color, urban swingers' parties, and events that cater to kinky
swingers or swingers under 40. If its swinging you want, you can
probably find a community within this large subculture that suits you.
PROFILE: AGNES AND RAYMOND
"We trust ourselves, therefore we trust each other."
AGNES IS A 55-YEAR-OLD sales representative with one of the largest
cosmetic companies in the US. Raymond is 55 and works for a public
utility company They live in Iowa and have been married for 20 years. This is the second marriage for both of them; during their courtship
and the beginning of their marriage, they were monogamous.
About six years ago, after 14 years of marriage, they were sharing
erotic fantasies with each other and Raymond asked Agnes if she had
ever had a fantasy about being with another woman; Agnes said yes.
They agreed they wanted to try to fulfill the fantasy, but they had no
idea how to do it. Agnes says, "We made a trip to Kansas City and
answered an ad placed by a woman in a weekly alternative newspaper.
She came to our hotel room and the three of us had sex. Okay, so we
had to pay her, but it was still fun!" After that positive experience, they
found a swingers' club closer to home, then went to a "swingers' week"
at a resort. For Agnes, the transition from monogamy to swinging was
a long process:
"When we first went on vacation to an adult resort-Hedonism II
in Jamaica-it wasn't difficult to go to the beach and get naked,
because we were already nudists. What was difficult was grasping the
concept that we were there to have sex with other people. I felt
immense pressure being put on me to `find someone to have sex with.'
Raymond thought he was giving me the freedom to find women or
couples I was comfortable around. I thought that everyone I talked to,
had coffee with, or met for dinner, it automatically meant we were
going to hook up. Way too much pressure. We eventually found a
couple that helped us get over our newbie jitters. Once we relaxed, we
met lots of new friends and had a great time; some new friends we had
sex with, some we didn't. It was definitely a new situation for both of
us and we learned a lot from that first vacation.
"After that vacation, followed by more swinger events, we talked
at length about how we felt, what we liked and disliked about the
event and the couples we met. The idea of sharing each other with
another person, and then talking about it, was scary at first. Seeing
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