Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Page B

of sorrow, my social sidekick, my political
compatriot, the person my parents will dote on, as well as
my guru, my emotional crying towel, and my First Personal
National Bank."'

    One of the reasons relationships fail is because we do have unrealistic expectations going into them, fueled by myths about "the one"
true love who's going to be our "everything." Polyamorous people recognize this fallacy and respect each person's capabilities and limits
when it comes to what they can give. Instead of attempting to change
someone, demanding that they be something they're not, or resenting
them for not being Superpartner, poly people have multiple relationships so as to fulfill more of their sexual and emotional needs.
    Let's say you're involved with someone and you develop feelings
for another person. People who practice monogamy believe they must
make a decision: squash the feelings and desires this new person has
stirred in you and remain faithful to your current sweetheart, or break
up to pursue a relationship with the new person. People who practice
polyamory don't feel compelled to make it an either/or situation. That
doesn't mean that everyone who comes along is fair game, but the possibility is open without having to end one relationship to pursue
another.
    As a group, polyamorous people have the courage to think outside the box of monogamy and to live outside the box. They recognize
the importance of growth, for themselves as individuals, for their partners, and for their relationships. In general, they actively engage with
their partners and work on their relationships; after all, it's pretty difficult to coast or to be on automatic pilot with more than one person.
Many of the polyamorous people I interviewed said that one should
allow a relationship to become whatever it will become. In other
words, don't attempt to define it or limit it; instead, let the relationship
evolve organically wherever it's going to go. For example:

    In a monogamous world, if you have somebody that you love to
kiss and you're not dating anyone else, there's pressure to figure
out if you're going to take it to the next level or if you're not going
to go there anymore. I have friends that I really enjoy kissing, and
that's it. I get to let those relationships be exactly what they are,
and that feels really comfortable to me. -Ruby Grace
    You might try polyamory if:
    • you want to have multiple relationships and define those relationships on your terms
    • you have the desire and capacity to love, share emotional and
sexual intimacy, and commit to more than one partner
    • you don't want to limit yourself to "just sex" from your additional relationships
    • you want to explore different sexual or relationship dynamics
with people of different genders
    • you want certain erotic and emotional desires, needs, and fantasies fulfilled by different partners
Styles and Elements of Polyamory
Hierarchical Poly, or "One Primary Plus"
    The ways in which people practice polyamory are unique and entirely
specific to them. There is no formula for polyamory But poly people
generally adhere to one of two models: hierarchical and nonhierarchical. Consider which style feels more appropriate for you or fits with
your goals.
    Some poly people structure their relationships hierarchically,
and they consider one relationship primary A primary partner can be
considered primary for a variety of reasons: the relationship is more
central or significant than others; you live together; you make major
life decisions together; you share resources and finances; you jointly own property or a business; you raise children together; you have made
a formal commitment, such as marriage, domestic partnership, or
handfasting; you are fluid-bonded (you share bodily fluids with each
other without barriers); or you have been together longer than your
other relationships.

    Each partner in the primary couple can have one or more partners, but the