Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Page A

your partner with someone else having a good time brings up those
green-eyed jealousy monsters. We talked a lot about the strength of our commitment to each other and how much each other's happiness meant
to both of us. We talked about how we are married, have a good marriage,
and plan to stay that way We trusted ourselves, therefore we trusted
each other. We've grown to like the idea that we both have the freedom
to pursue sexual pleasure from other people, within the boundaries
we've set. Since we've had these outside-of-marriage experiences with
other people, we discuss topics more openly with each other. Nothing
is off limits: feelings, ideas for sex, money, retirement, travel, healthyou name it, we talk about it. By trusting ourselves and each other,
stepping out of the `monogamy box' has been very liberating for us."

     

Chapter 7

Polyamory
    TO DISTINGUISH POLYAMORY from swinging and partnered nonmonogamy, poly relationships are usually characterized as "sexual and
loving," a shorthand way of saying that polyamory involves not just
sex, but emotional relationships. But based on my research, "sexual and
loving" doesn't capture the nuances and complexities of polyamorous
relationships, or the way in which polyamory not only rejects mainstream models but expands our ideas about what constitutes a
relationship. I would define polyamory as the desire for or the practice
of maintaining multiple significant, intimate relationships simultaneously These relationships may encompass many elements, including
love, friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact,
commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex,
and a spiritual connection.
    Now, some swingers and partnered nonmonogamists might argue
that while their outside relationships are primarily sex- or BDSM-based,
there is also an emotional connection or some other element from the
list above. Setting up false dichotomies such as sexual versus emotional,
casual versus committed, or playful versus serious just gets us into a
whole heap of trouble. Some people I interviewed conceptualized and constructed their relationships in all the ways I've just discussed but
say they aren't polyamorous. Two people may define their relationships
in very similar ways, yet one calls herself nonmonogamous and the
other polyamorous. Remember: don't get stuck on the labels if they
feel confining to you; define your relationships on your terms.

    Some polyamorous people have strong ties to a local poly organization or community, a broader poly community, or both. Others may
not identify with any community, for a variety of reasons: there is no
organized group in their area, they have no interest in a broader community, or they don't feel they are part of one.
Beliefs and Attitudes
    There is no single way to be polyamorous. Some poly people pass
judgment on others, saying, "Well, she's not really poly," but that kind
of attitude is counterproductive. The beauty of polyamory is that it
frees you from arbitrary lines and limits, so why construct new ones?
Indulge in the freedom to define polyamory and your relationships
however you want. Now, that said, there are some similarities among
polyamorous people in their basic beliefs and practices. Not every
polyamorous individual shares all the values discussed below, but they
were echoed again and again by the people I interviewed.
    Many polyamorous people believe that it's unrealistic to expect
that one person can fulfill all your needs. Therapist and author Daphne
Rose Kingma cleverly describes our unreasonable fairy-tale expectations about relationships:
    When we fall in love, we're not just saying, "My, what a wonderful mind you have, it'll be a joy to talk with you over the
next fifty years." What we're actually saying is "My, what a
wonderful mind you have; I'm also expecting you to be a
great lover, a great father, a wonderful Friday night date, my comforter in times