worried and scared for my friend; I wouldn’t want this entrapment for any one of my
friends. I don’t want anyone to go through the pain and struggle that I have to endure every day. I also feel cross. Jealous. This is MY illness and I don’t want to share it. Anorexia
gives me a power, a gift that only a few people have. It makes me feel special and unique; it found me when I was lost. IT IS MINE, and mine ALONE.
Monday 12 November
I had case management today and I was told that I was probably going home next weekend, and I could start exercising in a few weeks. Although this was such great news,
images of the past came flying back to haunt me, and still, still the illness seems so tempting . . .
Tuesday 13 November
I had a meeting with my key teacher today. I wanted to show her the work that I had received from my school and she wanted to tell me two things.
One was that she had spoken to my school and she was going to visit it and have a meeting either next Tuesday or the one after that. I then suggested that I would find it helpful to attend too,
and she said that she would think about it.
The second thing was that a deadline would need to be set for my GCSE choices. The date would be confirmed after the meeting. Overall it was a really good meeting, especially the way she praised
me for my progress and that I was really considering doing nine GCSEs instead of ten.
Wednesday 14 November
In therapy today we really focused on my beliefs around size. Why exactly do I see myself as so unattractive? It was really helpful to do this, and think of some
counter-arguments in my black-and-white mind. Being able to recognize a healthy size is really helpful and so is telling myself to STOP when I can feel myself comparing.
Anorexia is a noose that just gets tighter and tighter around your mind, restricting your opinions and views. I can’t help thinking, though, that it will never completely loosen, and that
I will always be restricted.
Thursday 15 November
It was decided today in my core team that I would go home and stay over for a night this weekend – I’m soooooo excited!!!!
Friday 16 November
I was of course pretty nervous about going home today, but also really excited.
I realized how much I should appreciate things. For example, we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way home, and while Mum was getting cross I was absolutely loving it, because I hadn’t
seen one in four months – it was the same with street lamps, and I had forgotten my favourite radio station and my toothpaste when I got home was all dried up.
We saw my grandparents. Because we hadn’t told them that I was coming home, when we had almost reached their house Mum stopped the car and I got in the boot. Mum then went in to get them
saying that she needed some help getting some things out of the boot of the car, and so Granddad opened it up and there I was! To be honest I think they were more shocked to see me than anything!!!
It was really fun though!
My first meal went surprisingly well. But I couldn’t help but notice that the level of support dropped, which I did find hard. In the evening, we played Scrabble as a family which was
really good, because it felt like there were three members in our family again – the fourth member, anorexia, had gone.
Saturday 17 November
In the morning, we went to the local town and then we came back and did a puzzle. What I noticed was how different meals were. In hospital everything is weighed, but here
we just did it by eye, which feels really liberating.
In the afternoon, I met up with some friends from school which was really good and we all walked along the canal. I was pleased that they treated me as normal, although part of me did want them
to realize that I was still an ill anorexic.
I was quite upset when I got back to the hospital at the end of the afternoon because now I’ve had a taste of home I don’t want to let it go. I have seen my future and it feels
good.
Sunday
friends. I don’t want anyone to go through the pain and struggle that I have to endure every day. I also feel cross. Jealous. This is MY illness and I don’t want to share it. Anorexia
gives me a power, a gift that only a few people have. It makes me feel special and unique; it found me when I was lost. IT IS MINE, and mine ALONE.
Monday 12 November
I had case management today and I was told that I was probably going home next weekend, and I could start exercising in a few weeks. Although this was such great news,
images of the past came flying back to haunt me, and still, still the illness seems so tempting . . .
Tuesday 13 November
I had a meeting with my key teacher today. I wanted to show her the work that I had received from my school and she wanted to tell me two things.
One was that she had spoken to my school and she was going to visit it and have a meeting either next Tuesday or the one after that. I then suggested that I would find it helpful to attend too,
and she said that she would think about it.
The second thing was that a deadline would need to be set for my GCSE choices. The date would be confirmed after the meeting. Overall it was a really good meeting, especially the way she praised
me for my progress and that I was really considering doing nine GCSEs instead of ten.
Wednesday 14 November
In therapy today we really focused on my beliefs around size. Why exactly do I see myself as so unattractive? It was really helpful to do this, and think of some
counter-arguments in my black-and-white mind. Being able to recognize a healthy size is really helpful and so is telling myself to STOP when I can feel myself comparing.
Anorexia is a noose that just gets tighter and tighter around your mind, restricting your opinions and views. I can’t help thinking, though, that it will never completely loosen, and that
I will always be restricted.
Thursday 15 November
It was decided today in my core team that I would go home and stay over for a night this weekend – I’m soooooo excited!!!!
Friday 16 November
I was of course pretty nervous about going home today, but also really excited.
I realized how much I should appreciate things. For example, we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way home, and while Mum was getting cross I was absolutely loving it, because I hadn’t
seen one in four months – it was the same with street lamps, and I had forgotten my favourite radio station and my toothpaste when I got home was all dried up.
We saw my grandparents. Because we hadn’t told them that I was coming home, when we had almost reached their house Mum stopped the car and I got in the boot. Mum then went in to get them
saying that she needed some help getting some things out of the boot of the car, and so Granddad opened it up and there I was! To be honest I think they were more shocked to see me than anything!!!
It was really fun though!
My first meal went surprisingly well. But I couldn’t help but notice that the level of support dropped, which I did find hard. In the evening, we played Scrabble as a family which was
really good, because it felt like there were three members in our family again – the fourth member, anorexia, had gone.
Saturday 17 November
In the morning, we went to the local town and then we came back and did a puzzle. What I noticed was how different meals were. In hospital everything is weighed, but here
we just did it by eye, which feels really liberating.
In the afternoon, I met up with some friends from school which was really good and we all walked along the canal. I was pleased that they treated me as normal, although part of me did want them
to realize that I was still an ill anorexic.
I was quite upset when I got back to the hospital at the end of the afternoon because now I’ve had a taste of home I don’t want to let it go. I have seen my future and it feels
good.
Sunday
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