back.
Saturday 24 November
I’m at home for the weekend again, and today I did some exercise for the first time in about six months. I was of course a bit worried because I didn’t want
this to be a trigger, so that it becomes an obsessive trait again. It was good doing it again. I feel that I am in a position where I can manage it. I was in the gym with a one-to-one coach, so I
felt connected in a safe way, and in a secure environment. It opened my eyes to a new kind of exercise, because I have never been to a gym before. I realized that I could get fit without having to
go on long runs on my own.
I have such bad memories of exercise. I would go because I had to, not because I wanted to. I couldn’t say no. I even had to go out in the snow once. I was so cold, freezing, but I had to
keep going. The icy air whipped against my face and my whole body shivered, but I had to keep going.
This afternoon I went to my school and watched some rugby matches. Although I wanted to see some people, I was very nervous, and I felt really vulnerable. How would they know that I am still
ill? I am not thin any more and I haven’t got a tube. I still want to be ill. I tried to push this thought away, but it is so tempting, and this voice always recurs.
We had dinner with my aunt and uncle. Once again I was in the same dilemma. This is what I need to do to get better, but how will they know that I am still hurting inside? My main feeling for
today was vulnerability.
Sunday 25 November
Lunch was hard because we hadn’t decided on a pudding, which was unhelpful, because I like to know what I am expected to eat, so that I am prepared. I managed the
pudding, but afterwards Mum said to me, ‘Are you proud of yourself?’
I didn’t really know how to answer. I wanted to be, I really did, but it is like I can’t let myself because that is bad, because I am fighting against my inner voice. It forbids all
things positive.
Monday 26 November
I had a key session today which was very reflective. I wrote what being well and being ill meant. This is my list of answers:
Being well
Being ill
freedom
a sense of achievement
choice
protection
school/family and friends
security
vulnerability
self-esteem boost
acknowledgement
acknowledgement
‘Acknowledgement’ is in both lists because I feel that I get it in two different ways. One will be in admiration because I will have overcome one of the hardest
things, and the other will be from my anorexia in appreciation of my struggles. Which one do I prefer, though? Part of anorexia is that it becomes a secure world to be in. It is like a rock, and as
I move further towards health, I drift further away from this rock. I need to find another one because at the moment I feel I am just bobbing around in a huge sea waiting for someone to rescue me.
So we also came up with possible rocks for me. They included Mum, Dad, friends, sport (in a healthy way) and my out-patient team. I just have to wait until I find the right rock, which may not even
be one of these but something different.
Tuesday 27 November
In my school meeting I was able to hear the views of my school if I give up some GCSEs. This decision just feels so huge. I am starting to understand now that it is
totally unrealistic to try to catch up on so much work after missing so much school, and I still don’t even know when I am going to go back yet. I was able to hear their opinions, and they
were able to hear what GCSEs mean to me – security, self-esteem, a chance to prove myself and a sense of achievement (however, not as great as anorexia).
Afterwards, I saw some of my friends. I was really worried about seeing them because of this recurring feeling of ‘How will they know I’m ill?’ I don’t think I really
tackled this feeling, partly because I don’t know how; instead I just pushed it away for the time being and concentrated on the support of my friends and how much they seem to value me.
Wednesday 28
Saturday 24 November
I’m at home for the weekend again, and today I did some exercise for the first time in about six months. I was of course a bit worried because I didn’t want
this to be a trigger, so that it becomes an obsessive trait again. It was good doing it again. I feel that I am in a position where I can manage it. I was in the gym with a one-to-one coach, so I
felt connected in a safe way, and in a secure environment. It opened my eyes to a new kind of exercise, because I have never been to a gym before. I realized that I could get fit without having to
go on long runs on my own.
I have such bad memories of exercise. I would go because I had to, not because I wanted to. I couldn’t say no. I even had to go out in the snow once. I was so cold, freezing, but I had to
keep going. The icy air whipped against my face and my whole body shivered, but I had to keep going.
This afternoon I went to my school and watched some rugby matches. Although I wanted to see some people, I was very nervous, and I felt really vulnerable. How would they know that I am still
ill? I am not thin any more and I haven’t got a tube. I still want to be ill. I tried to push this thought away, but it is so tempting, and this voice always recurs.
We had dinner with my aunt and uncle. Once again I was in the same dilemma. This is what I need to do to get better, but how will they know that I am still hurting inside? My main feeling for
today was vulnerability.
Sunday 25 November
Lunch was hard because we hadn’t decided on a pudding, which was unhelpful, because I like to know what I am expected to eat, so that I am prepared. I managed the
pudding, but afterwards Mum said to me, ‘Are you proud of yourself?’
I didn’t really know how to answer. I wanted to be, I really did, but it is like I can’t let myself because that is bad, because I am fighting against my inner voice. It forbids all
things positive.
Monday 26 November
I had a key session today which was very reflective. I wrote what being well and being ill meant. This is my list of answers:
Being well
Being ill
freedom
a sense of achievement
choice
protection
school/family and friends
security
vulnerability
self-esteem boost
acknowledgement
acknowledgement
‘Acknowledgement’ is in both lists because I feel that I get it in two different ways. One will be in admiration because I will have overcome one of the hardest
things, and the other will be from my anorexia in appreciation of my struggles. Which one do I prefer, though? Part of anorexia is that it becomes a secure world to be in. It is like a rock, and as
I move further towards health, I drift further away from this rock. I need to find another one because at the moment I feel I am just bobbing around in a huge sea waiting for someone to rescue me.
So we also came up with possible rocks for me. They included Mum, Dad, friends, sport (in a healthy way) and my out-patient team. I just have to wait until I find the right rock, which may not even
be one of these but something different.
Tuesday 27 November
In my school meeting I was able to hear the views of my school if I give up some GCSEs. This decision just feels so huge. I am starting to understand now that it is
totally unrealistic to try to catch up on so much work after missing so much school, and I still don’t even know when I am going to go back yet. I was able to hear their opinions, and they
were able to hear what GCSEs mean to me – security, self-esteem, a chance to prove myself and a sense of achievement (however, not as great as anorexia).
Afterwards, I saw some of my friends. I was really worried about seeing them because of this recurring feeling of ‘How will they know I’m ill?’ I don’t think I really
tackled this feeling, partly because I don’t know how; instead I just pushed it away for the time being and concentrated on the support of my friends and how much they seem to value me.
Wednesday 28
Similar Books
