18 November
Nothing happened today. It was incredibly dull!
Monday 19 November
In the evening one of the other young people and I were mucking around with our phones and recording ourselves singing. It felt really good to have a laugh and a giggle
together, because it doesn’t happen very often.
Tuesday 20 November
I think that today I unconsciously made an effort to speak my mind, and I do feel a lot better for it.
The first time was in Morning Meeting when I said that it was unhelpful that we weren’t told about a new member of staff joining because I worry about what they think of me. The second was
in Feelings Group, when I said that I felt helpless towards one of the other young people, whom I really want to try to help but don’t know how to. The third was at the table during tea when
I told a member of staff my opinion about a young person who was struggling. I realized this evening that it is OK to say what I think, and no one is going to die from it, nothing truly
catastrophic is going to happen.
In the evening my phone call home was quite upsetting because I felt confused and overwhelmed by what I was feeling. I am fed up with being in hospital, yet I know that I need to be here. I feel
very vulnerable to my own thoughts and I am craving protection, which I just don’t feel that I am getting at the moment. I want to be wrapped up in a blanket and to have all negative things
blocked out, but I am already wrapped up and smothered by a blanket of anorexia. I am taking that leap from the security of anorexia. I am in the transition period when I have seen the future but I
am too scared of it. Right now I am between anorexia and health and I am not feeling like I have an identity or any protection.
Wednesday 21 November
In the evening, when I was in the shower room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in just my pyjamas and I spontaneously burst into tears. I have such major issues
with my body, and I feel so alone and ashamed of myself for being so fat. I am FAT, UGLY and a piece of NOTHING.
Thursday 22 November
We had family therapy today and we covered various topics. One of them was how we can support each other – how I could give feedback about what is helpful and
unhelpful and how my parents can then learn from that. The therapist described it as a dance, where I have to lead and show my parents, and they follow.
We also discussed my self-doubt. I often say something but then doubt myself and regret it. I step out of the box, but then retreat into it again. We decided the way to combat this habit is for
my parents to remind me when I do this.
Friday 23 November
I had my review today. It was decided that the balance owing for the school trip to Lanzarote would be paid to enable me to go. I am not denying the situation that I am
in, and I know that it will be a big challenge. I know it will be, but I think that it is going to be such a big incentive for me. It was also decided that at Christmas I’ll probably have two
shorter times at home. I can start exercising, and hopefully a discharge date will be some time in late February. It was such a positive review, but yet it all just felt so soon. I wanted to say
STOP, but I couldn’t.
‘This is it. This is your opportunity, get out of here as quick as you can and then you can do what you want,’ the voice was telling me. Was this really my opportunity to slip
back into my old ways?
My first reaction was to stop drinking, but I now know that this won’t get me anywhere, and I spoke to my case manager because I became really upset at lunch. She guessed that I might have
found the review a bit much. It was reassuring to know that my recovery process would go at my pace, not theirs, and certainly not my anorexia’s pace. Reassurance was all I needed. As a
result of the reassurance, I was able to combat the anorexia by saying that this is not an opportunity to slip back – this is an opportunity to get my life
Nothing happened today. It was incredibly dull!
Monday 19 November
In the evening one of the other young people and I were mucking around with our phones and recording ourselves singing. It felt really good to have a laugh and a giggle
together, because it doesn’t happen very often.
Tuesday 20 November
I think that today I unconsciously made an effort to speak my mind, and I do feel a lot better for it.
The first time was in Morning Meeting when I said that it was unhelpful that we weren’t told about a new member of staff joining because I worry about what they think of me. The second was
in Feelings Group, when I said that I felt helpless towards one of the other young people, whom I really want to try to help but don’t know how to. The third was at the table during tea when
I told a member of staff my opinion about a young person who was struggling. I realized this evening that it is OK to say what I think, and no one is going to die from it, nothing truly
catastrophic is going to happen.
In the evening my phone call home was quite upsetting because I felt confused and overwhelmed by what I was feeling. I am fed up with being in hospital, yet I know that I need to be here. I feel
very vulnerable to my own thoughts and I am craving protection, which I just don’t feel that I am getting at the moment. I want to be wrapped up in a blanket and to have all negative things
blocked out, but I am already wrapped up and smothered by a blanket of anorexia. I am taking that leap from the security of anorexia. I am in the transition period when I have seen the future but I
am too scared of it. Right now I am between anorexia and health and I am not feeling like I have an identity or any protection.
Wednesday 21 November
In the evening, when I was in the shower room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in just my pyjamas and I spontaneously burst into tears. I have such major issues
with my body, and I feel so alone and ashamed of myself for being so fat. I am FAT, UGLY and a piece of NOTHING.
Thursday 22 November
We had family therapy today and we covered various topics. One of them was how we can support each other – how I could give feedback about what is helpful and
unhelpful and how my parents can then learn from that. The therapist described it as a dance, where I have to lead and show my parents, and they follow.
We also discussed my self-doubt. I often say something but then doubt myself and regret it. I step out of the box, but then retreat into it again. We decided the way to combat this habit is for
my parents to remind me when I do this.
Friday 23 November
I had my review today. It was decided that the balance owing for the school trip to Lanzarote would be paid to enable me to go. I am not denying the situation that I am
in, and I know that it will be a big challenge. I know it will be, but I think that it is going to be such a big incentive for me. It was also decided that at Christmas I’ll probably have two
shorter times at home. I can start exercising, and hopefully a discharge date will be some time in late February. It was such a positive review, but yet it all just felt so soon. I wanted to say
STOP, but I couldn’t.
‘This is it. This is your opportunity, get out of here as quick as you can and then you can do what you want,’ the voice was telling me. Was this really my opportunity to slip
back into my old ways?
My first reaction was to stop drinking, but I now know that this won’t get me anywhere, and I spoke to my case manager because I became really upset at lunch. She guessed that I might have
found the review a bit much. It was reassuring to know that my recovery process would go at my pace, not theirs, and certainly not my anorexia’s pace. Reassurance was all I needed. As a
result of the reassurance, I was able to combat the anorexia by saying that this is not an opportunity to slip back – this is an opportunity to get my life
Similar Books
