about what they believed happened after death. It just wasn’t discussed. Now I had to think about it because there was a chance my mom would be gone soon.
Would die soon.
I hadn’t let myself fully accept it yet, not until that moment, standing naked in the misty garden before them. And they were asking me about the soul. I didn’t even know what that meant.
But I felt something. I just couldn’t articulate it. It was connected to those responses stirred by moonlight and water and poetry and music, those resonances that I couldn’t explain. It was what I felt when I thought of my parents, especially my mom, and when I thought of Jeni and now, somehow, in a twisted way, when I looked at these two people I didn’t know, viewing my naked body and my more naked soul in the green tangle of their garden.
What was soul? And did it continue?
“I don’t know,” I said. “I wish I did.”
“Well, that’s not going to help Johnny with his dissertation, is it?” Tania pouted.
“What?”
“He’s writing about it.” Tania walked toward me, looking me up and down. “I see you can get naked, you can recite Baudelaire and you can answer the addiction question correctly but you don’t know if the soul goes on.” She came closer. I flinched and she laughed. “You look like you think I’m going to whip you. Come here.” She reached out and hugged me. Her body heat relieved the chill that had iced my bones. I couldn’t help clinging onto her for an extra moment before she pushed me away—not hard, but firmly.
“There are only two more things you have to do. Since you couldn’t answer the question.”
I met her eyes and pushed my shoulders back. “Okay. Go.”
Tania was pointing to the ground. It sloped downward, toward the hidden center of the garden, growing muddier as it went.
“What?” I asked.
“I want you to roll in it.”
“Oh my god, this is reality TV.”
Perry laughed. “You got that right. I told you, T.”
“Reality is bullshit,” Tania said. “Kids these days. Come on. It’s fun.”
“Don’t freak. I’ll show you how it’s done.” Perry pulled off his T-shirt but kept on his brown velvet jeans—I couldn’t help worrying that they’d be ruined. His torso was perfectly cut—I could see every muscle in his abdomen and that aroused me in spite of myself. He reached out his brown, sinewy arm to me and I took his hand. He brought me down to the ground with him. The mud squished up between my toes and thighs. It had a rich, mineral scent and clung to my skin.
“Not just sit. Roll,” Tania said.
I lowered myself down onto my belly and rolled over onto my back, then onto my belly again. Why was I doing this?
I rolled down the slope after Perry—the mud tangling in my hair, getting into my nose and mouth—and stopped by a small pool full of rushes and water lilies. A waterfall spilled from a small outcropping of rocks along the side; that was the sound I’d heard.
“And now water,” Tania said. She had followed me. She watched as Perry pulled me up. He was covered in mud also and he pushed me gently toward the pool. I stumbled forward into the water. It was deeper than it appeared and colder. I shuddered.
“Don’t stop now,” she said.
I forced myself to go in, up to my neck. My whole body was convulsing with cold. I thought of John, back in the warm house. Why was I—
“Okay,” Tania said. “Good enough.”
I staggered out of the water, shaking so hard I wasn’t sure I could stay upright.
“Let’s get you inside,” Perry said softly, draping my coat around my shoulders. “Are you all right, sweetie? It wasn’t too much, was it?” The tenderness in his voice after the rush of coldness made my womb ache. I understood something perfectly in that moment—the eroticism of the soft glove after the whip.
The fire had been lit and the warmth hit me hard as I walked inside. The coat itched my skin.
“May I please have my dress?” I asked. Tania’s
Would die soon.
I hadn’t let myself fully accept it yet, not until that moment, standing naked in the misty garden before them. And they were asking me about the soul. I didn’t even know what that meant.
But I felt something. I just couldn’t articulate it. It was connected to those responses stirred by moonlight and water and poetry and music, those resonances that I couldn’t explain. It was what I felt when I thought of my parents, especially my mom, and when I thought of Jeni and now, somehow, in a twisted way, when I looked at these two people I didn’t know, viewing my naked body and my more naked soul in the green tangle of their garden.
What was soul? And did it continue?
“I don’t know,” I said. “I wish I did.”
“Well, that’s not going to help Johnny with his dissertation, is it?” Tania pouted.
“What?”
“He’s writing about it.” Tania walked toward me, looking me up and down. “I see you can get naked, you can recite Baudelaire and you can answer the addiction question correctly but you don’t know if the soul goes on.” She came closer. I flinched and she laughed. “You look like you think I’m going to whip you. Come here.” She reached out and hugged me. Her body heat relieved the chill that had iced my bones. I couldn’t help clinging onto her for an extra moment before she pushed me away—not hard, but firmly.
“There are only two more things you have to do. Since you couldn’t answer the question.”
I met her eyes and pushed my shoulders back. “Okay. Go.”
Tania was pointing to the ground. It sloped downward, toward the hidden center of the garden, growing muddier as it went.
“What?” I asked.
“I want you to roll in it.”
“Oh my god, this is reality TV.”
Perry laughed. “You got that right. I told you, T.”
“Reality is bullshit,” Tania said. “Kids these days. Come on. It’s fun.”
“Don’t freak. I’ll show you how it’s done.” Perry pulled off his T-shirt but kept on his brown velvet jeans—I couldn’t help worrying that they’d be ruined. His torso was perfectly cut—I could see every muscle in his abdomen and that aroused me in spite of myself. He reached out his brown, sinewy arm to me and I took his hand. He brought me down to the ground with him. The mud squished up between my toes and thighs. It had a rich, mineral scent and clung to my skin.
“Not just sit. Roll,” Tania said.
I lowered myself down onto my belly and rolled over onto my back, then onto my belly again. Why was I doing this?
I rolled down the slope after Perry—the mud tangling in my hair, getting into my nose and mouth—and stopped by a small pool full of rushes and water lilies. A waterfall spilled from a small outcropping of rocks along the side; that was the sound I’d heard.
“And now water,” Tania said. She had followed me. She watched as Perry pulled me up. He was covered in mud also and he pushed me gently toward the pool. I stumbled forward into the water. It was deeper than it appeared and colder. I shuddered.
“Don’t stop now,” she said.
I forced myself to go in, up to my neck. My whole body was convulsing with cold. I thought of John, back in the warm house. Why was I—
“Okay,” Tania said. “Good enough.”
I staggered out of the water, shaking so hard I wasn’t sure I could stay upright.
“Let’s get you inside,” Perry said softly, draping my coat around my shoulders. “Are you all right, sweetie? It wasn’t too much, was it?” The tenderness in his voice after the rush of coldness made my womb ache. I understood something perfectly in that moment—the eroticism of the soft glove after the whip.
The fire had been lit and the warmth hit me hard as I walked inside. The coat itched my skin.
“May I please have my dress?” I asked. Tania’s
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