ocean, in the water, holding her, looking at her smile, feeling the heat of the sun and smelling the salt in the air.
Chapter 8 - Jessa
I wake up in Paxton’s arms like I do every morning. His warm body is still comforting. His hands on me still feel perfect. In his arms is still the only place I want to be. But more than that I feel pain and sadness.
He couldn’t take that away with his words of reassurance. Not like he usually can. This time it stuck and it feels real. It hurts. I close my eyes again and I see them through her words. Through the story she told me that made it clear that he changed with her too, he was trying to start a life with her too. I see his face as he looked at Stella. I see her beautiful, fragile face as she talked about him. I try to find the truth – the reason for this sadness in my body. She’s always going to be part of him. There is nothing either of us can do about that. It’s just something I have to accept. I can deal with that. But what I’m having a hard time dealing with is what they had.
For me, I will never care about anyone like I care about Paxton. No one will affect me like he does. But for him… he’s already had this with someone. And he left her. He moved on from her. He found someone else. It wasn’t just her and it’s not just me. I don’t want to be Stella.
I feel completely fucked up. I can feel the urge to run. I can feel the painful memories from my past that are telling me to leave before I get left again. To shut this down and run. I’m terrified because I know I am capable of fucking things up permanently like I almost did once already, especially now in this city where she is so close to him.
I need to clear my head and gain perspective because I know that he loves me. That he’s not going to leave me for her, but right now I can’t get that fear to leave me. I am so scared that if I see her again I will lose my shit again like I did last night and I will cause irrevocable damage to us. That I will do something to make him go permanently.
I think I need to leave before that happens. I think I need to get away from her, from this environment that I can’t extract her from. Just for a few days so that I don’t do permanent damage to Paxton and myself.
I reach over to the bedside table and grab my phone, pulling up Dylan’s number.
Can I still get a ride home? It will be good for me, for both of us, to take a week off.
Always. I’m leaving at 12. Should I pick u up?
I’ll meet you at ur dorm.
C u then.
I put my phone down and take a deep breath. I push my body back, further into Paxton’s. God, I love him so much. His hand starts moving on my stomach and then he pulls me closer to him, his body wrapped tightly around mine. “Beso,” he whispers in his sleepy voice.
A tear falls from my eye and I want to let them all go. I want to cry and purge and let it all go. But I don’t. I hold them all in and wrap his hand in mine.
“Are you mine today?” he whispers into my ear.
“Always, Pax. I will always belong to you.”
“Don’t do that to me again, beso. Don’t tell me we’re done. I can’t hear those words.”
“I’m sorry.”
He kisses the back of my neck and the feeling spreads through my body. He turns me until I’m on my back and stares into my eyes before leaning in and kissing me gently. I feel his lips and it just makes the pain worse. I love him too much. I cling to him like he’s slipping away from me. He kisses me like it’s the first time – desperate and needy, sweet and painful. Just like the first time.
I pull his body on top of mine, needing him inside of me. Needing him as close as possible. He pulls out of my mouth and stares down at me with desperation in his eyes. He grabs a hold of my face and tells me through his ragged breaths, “I love you.”
“I love you,” I tell him back, my hands gripping him hard, my legs wrapped around his hips. “I need you inside of me.”
“I
Chapter 8 - Jessa
I wake up in Paxton’s arms like I do every morning. His warm body is still comforting. His hands on me still feel perfect. In his arms is still the only place I want to be. But more than that I feel pain and sadness.
He couldn’t take that away with his words of reassurance. Not like he usually can. This time it stuck and it feels real. It hurts. I close my eyes again and I see them through her words. Through the story she told me that made it clear that he changed with her too, he was trying to start a life with her too. I see his face as he looked at Stella. I see her beautiful, fragile face as she talked about him. I try to find the truth – the reason for this sadness in my body. She’s always going to be part of him. There is nothing either of us can do about that. It’s just something I have to accept. I can deal with that. But what I’m having a hard time dealing with is what they had.
For me, I will never care about anyone like I care about Paxton. No one will affect me like he does. But for him… he’s already had this with someone. And he left her. He moved on from her. He found someone else. It wasn’t just her and it’s not just me. I don’t want to be Stella.
I feel completely fucked up. I can feel the urge to run. I can feel the painful memories from my past that are telling me to leave before I get left again. To shut this down and run. I’m terrified because I know I am capable of fucking things up permanently like I almost did once already, especially now in this city where she is so close to him.
I need to clear my head and gain perspective because I know that he loves me. That he’s not going to leave me for her, but right now I can’t get that fear to leave me. I am so scared that if I see her again I will lose my shit again like I did last night and I will cause irrevocable damage to us. That I will do something to make him go permanently.
I think I need to leave before that happens. I think I need to get away from her, from this environment that I can’t extract her from. Just for a few days so that I don’t do permanent damage to Paxton and myself.
I reach over to the bedside table and grab my phone, pulling up Dylan’s number.
Can I still get a ride home? It will be good for me, for both of us, to take a week off.
Always. I’m leaving at 12. Should I pick u up?
I’ll meet you at ur dorm.
C u then.
I put my phone down and take a deep breath. I push my body back, further into Paxton’s. God, I love him so much. His hand starts moving on my stomach and then he pulls me closer to him, his body wrapped tightly around mine. “Beso,” he whispers in his sleepy voice.
A tear falls from my eye and I want to let them all go. I want to cry and purge and let it all go. But I don’t. I hold them all in and wrap his hand in mine.
“Are you mine today?” he whispers into my ear.
“Always, Pax. I will always belong to you.”
“Don’t do that to me again, beso. Don’t tell me we’re done. I can’t hear those words.”
“I’m sorry.”
He kisses the back of my neck and the feeling spreads through my body. He turns me until I’m on my back and stares into my eyes before leaning in and kissing me gently. I feel his lips and it just makes the pain worse. I love him too much. I cling to him like he’s slipping away from me. He kisses me like it’s the first time – desperate and needy, sweet and painful. Just like the first time.
I pull his body on top of mine, needing him inside of me. Needing him as close as possible. He pulls out of my mouth and stares down at me with desperation in his eyes. He grabs a hold of my face and tells me through his ragged breaths, “I love you.”
“I love you,” I tell him back, my hands gripping him hard, my legs wrapped around his hips. “I need you inside of me.”
“I
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