her desperately. “You have no fucking idea how much I love you. How much I need you. How much you are hurting me.” I know she thinks she doesn’t want this right now, but I bring my lips to hers and I pull them into mine. She’s not moving, she’s not reacting. I bite her and lick her and I force myself into her mouth, but she doesn’t react. I feel her leaving. I know what it feels like to not have her and the pain escapes my body and out of my eyes and I can taste the salt of her tears and my tears mingling with my frantic lips and her dead lips. “Beso, come on,” I beg her, my lips resting on hers. I kiss her and I taste her. “Don’t fucking do this to us,” I tell her before forcing myself back into her mouth. I push my body up against hers and it hurts so bad because I know it’s so right, but she’s not letting me in. I press my entire body into hers and I scream into her mouth. She tugs hard on my hair with her free hand, but then… she kisses me back. The small movement in her lips, the way her hand relents on my hair and digs into my skull in a deliriously familiar way makes my bones weak. I kiss her until she is kissing me back. Until her tongue is willingly wrapped up with mine. Until we take over her fucked up head and she is clinging to me like I’m clinging to her. I kiss her with desperation and need and want and she kisses me back.
After a while, but not long enough, she pulls out of my mouth and pushes on my chest without the anger that was there before, and I let her. I let her push me away. “Let’s go home, Pax,” she tells me.
“Are you done? Done with this stupid mind fuck you play on yourself.”
“I don’t know, Pax. I just want to go home.”
I grab a hold of her chin and tell her, “Don’t do this to us. You know better.”
“I don’t know what I know. I hate that I love you so much.”
“Don’t, beso. Don’t hate that. It’s all we have. It’s all that matters.”
“I don’t know if it is, Pax. I can’t think anymore. Just bring me home. Just let me sleep in your arms.”
I stare into her eyes and I can’t help but feel like, even though she is asking me to bring her home, this could be the last time. I grab a hold of her hand and bring her back to the car, getting her settled on her side before getting in on mine.
The rest of the drive is silence. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to fight with her. I hold her hand and run my thumb over her skin.
When we get home I can feel the blanket of discontent on top of the situation. Things aren’t right and I don’t know how to make them right.
I take her clothes off of her and lay her in bed before stripping down and joining her. Her body resting on mine is too calm. Her breaths are too even. “You told me, Jessa, that it hurt to see me with her. I shouldn’t have even looked at her. It was stupid and I’m sorry. But she is right – I never loved her like she loved me. I never loved her like I love you. Not even close. I shouldn’t care, but I felt bad.”
“You shouldn’t care, Pax. But every time she’s in the room you have a hard time ignoring her and not getting sucked into whatever space is created when the two of you are together.”
“There is no space created by us together,” I say as calmly as possible, already regretting having said anything at all.
“I’m tired, Pax. I’ve never been so tired,” she tells me.
I run my hand through her hair, bending down to kiss the top of her head. “I love you, beso,” I whisper.
Her body goes completely limp on top of me. Her breathing becomes heavy. I close my eyes and will her to come back to me. For all of this to go away. In my mind I turn back time and I never look at Stella, never speak a word. Not once. I don’t even start playing music again. Jessa and I have gone – left Chicago and went to California like she wanted to. We got out of here before any damage could be done. I drift off to sleep with her at the
After a while, but not long enough, she pulls out of my mouth and pushes on my chest without the anger that was there before, and I let her. I let her push me away. “Let’s go home, Pax,” she tells me.
“Are you done? Done with this stupid mind fuck you play on yourself.”
“I don’t know, Pax. I just want to go home.”
I grab a hold of her chin and tell her, “Don’t do this to us. You know better.”
“I don’t know what I know. I hate that I love you so much.”
“Don’t, beso. Don’t hate that. It’s all we have. It’s all that matters.”
“I don’t know if it is, Pax. I can’t think anymore. Just bring me home. Just let me sleep in your arms.”
I stare into her eyes and I can’t help but feel like, even though she is asking me to bring her home, this could be the last time. I grab a hold of her hand and bring her back to the car, getting her settled on her side before getting in on mine.
The rest of the drive is silence. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to fight with her. I hold her hand and run my thumb over her skin.
When we get home I can feel the blanket of discontent on top of the situation. Things aren’t right and I don’t know how to make them right.
I take her clothes off of her and lay her in bed before stripping down and joining her. Her body resting on mine is too calm. Her breaths are too even. “You told me, Jessa, that it hurt to see me with her. I shouldn’t have even looked at her. It was stupid and I’m sorry. But she is right – I never loved her like she loved me. I never loved her like I love you. Not even close. I shouldn’t care, but I felt bad.”
“You shouldn’t care, Pax. But every time she’s in the room you have a hard time ignoring her and not getting sucked into whatever space is created when the two of you are together.”
“There is no space created by us together,” I say as calmly as possible, already regretting having said anything at all.
“I’m tired, Pax. I’ve never been so tired,” she tells me.
I run my hand through her hair, bending down to kiss the top of her head. “I love you, beso,” I whisper.
Her body goes completely limp on top of me. Her breathing becomes heavy. I close my eyes and will her to come back to me. For all of this to go away. In my mind I turn back time and I never look at Stella, never speak a word. Not once. I don’t even start playing music again. Jessa and I have gone – left Chicago and went to California like she wanted to. We got out of here before any damage could be done. I drift off to sleep with her at the
Similar Books
