it’ll actually get the green light. So if, someday, you go to see a movie, and it turns out to be a musical about the NFL, remember whose idea that was: not ours.
But if it has superhuman chickens in it, I will be pissed .
24
The Ultimate Script
6 A.M.
SETTING: THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM
The president, seen only in silhouette, sits at the head of a conference table. Seated around the table are the vice president, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and various important-looking extras. The lighting is dim.
THE PRESIDENT
I’ve called you together because we have received intelligence concerning a serious threat that could . . . What is it, Mr. Vice President?
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Why is the lighting so dim?
THE PRESIDENT
For dramatic effect. You’ll also notice that many characters in this show whisper for no good reason.
THE VICE PRESIDENT (PEERING AT THE PRESIDENT)
Wait a minute. You’re a kangaroo.
THE PRESIDENT
Yes. The writers already did an African-American president and a woman president, so this season they were thinking, “Maybe a Jewish president?” And then they thought, “Nah, too unrealistic.” So they went kangaroo.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
But is that even constitutional? And where do you go to the bathroom?
THE PRESIDENT
Nobody on this show goes to the bathroom.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Touché.
THE PRESIDENT
As I was saying, we have received intelligence concerning a threat that could cause the deaths of millions of Americans.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
My God! What is it?
THE PRESIDENT
What is what?
THE VICE PRESIDENT
The threat.
THE PRESIDENT
I’ll let the FBI director, played by a fading movie star such as William Hurt or Gene Hackman, answer that.
FBI DIRECTOR
We have reason to believe that a vaguely Middle Eastern terrorist organization has acquired a proton defrackulator.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
What’s a proton defrackulator?
FBI DIRECTOR
We have no idea. But it sounds very bad.
THE PRESIDENT
Well, if these terrorists think I’m going to let them kill millions of Americans on my watch just because I have short, thumbless forelimbs, then they have another think coming. General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?
GENERAL
We recommend an immediate tactical nuclear missile strike against Boston.
THE PRESIDENT
Is that where the terrorists are?
GENERAL
No, we just hate Boston.
THE PRESIDENT
Fair enough. But we also need to do something about these terrorists.
CHIEF OF STAFF
If I may . . .
THE PRESIDENT
Aren’t you one of the Baldwin brothers?
CHIEF OF STAFF
I believe so.
THE PRESIDENT
Go on.
CHIEF OF STAFF
There is only one man who can stop these terrorists, and that man is Jack Bauer.
THE PRESIDENT
Bauer . . . I know that name.
CHIEF OF STAFF
He’s the main character.
THE PRESIDENT
Ah, right. But didn’t he end the last season being arrested on trumped-up charges after he was framed by a shadowy cabal of powerful men?
CHIEF OF STAFF
That’s how he ends every season.
THE PRESIDENT
So where is Bauer now?
CHIEF OF STAFF
He was imprisoned in a secret California prison facility.
THE PRESIDENT
Have him released.
CHIEF OF STAFF
He was also tortured.
THE PRESIDENT
Well, have a medical team . . .
CHIEF OF STAFF
Then he was decapitated and fed to boars.
THE PRESIDENT
Whoa.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Fortunately, he was trained for exactly that.
THE PRESIDENT
Are you saying that he could . . .
CHIEF OF STAFF
We won’t know until after the commercial.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: THE INFIRMARY OF A SECRET CALIFORNIA PRISON
Jack Bauer is sitting on an examination table. There are boar bites all over his body and a bandage wrapped around his neck. A doctor has just finished examining him.
DOCTOR
You’re going to experience some soreness from having your head reattached to your body. I suggest you take it easy for at least the next hour.
JACK
Give me your phone.
DOCTOR
If you need to make a call, there’s a phone in
But if it has superhuman chickens in it, I will be pissed .
24
The Ultimate Script
6 A.M.
SETTING: THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM
The president, seen only in silhouette, sits at the head of a conference table. Seated around the table are the vice president, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and various important-looking extras. The lighting is dim.
THE PRESIDENT
I’ve called you together because we have received intelligence concerning a serious threat that could . . . What is it, Mr. Vice President?
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Why is the lighting so dim?
THE PRESIDENT
For dramatic effect. You’ll also notice that many characters in this show whisper for no good reason.
THE VICE PRESIDENT (PEERING AT THE PRESIDENT)
Wait a minute. You’re a kangaroo.
THE PRESIDENT
Yes. The writers already did an African-American president and a woman president, so this season they were thinking, “Maybe a Jewish president?” And then they thought, “Nah, too unrealistic.” So they went kangaroo.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
But is that even constitutional? And where do you go to the bathroom?
THE PRESIDENT
Nobody on this show goes to the bathroom.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Touché.
THE PRESIDENT
As I was saying, we have received intelligence concerning a threat that could cause the deaths of millions of Americans.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
My God! What is it?
THE PRESIDENT
What is what?
THE VICE PRESIDENT
The threat.
THE PRESIDENT
I’ll let the FBI director, played by a fading movie star such as William Hurt or Gene Hackman, answer that.
FBI DIRECTOR
We have reason to believe that a vaguely Middle Eastern terrorist organization has acquired a proton defrackulator.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
What’s a proton defrackulator?
FBI DIRECTOR
We have no idea. But it sounds very bad.
THE PRESIDENT
Well, if these terrorists think I’m going to let them kill millions of Americans on my watch just because I have short, thumbless forelimbs, then they have another think coming. General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?
GENERAL
We recommend an immediate tactical nuclear missile strike against Boston.
THE PRESIDENT
Is that where the terrorists are?
GENERAL
No, we just hate Boston.
THE PRESIDENT
Fair enough. But we also need to do something about these terrorists.
CHIEF OF STAFF
If I may . . .
THE PRESIDENT
Aren’t you one of the Baldwin brothers?
CHIEF OF STAFF
I believe so.
THE PRESIDENT
Go on.
CHIEF OF STAFF
There is only one man who can stop these terrorists, and that man is Jack Bauer.
THE PRESIDENT
Bauer . . . I know that name.
CHIEF OF STAFF
He’s the main character.
THE PRESIDENT
Ah, right. But didn’t he end the last season being arrested on trumped-up charges after he was framed by a shadowy cabal of powerful men?
CHIEF OF STAFF
That’s how he ends every season.
THE PRESIDENT
So where is Bauer now?
CHIEF OF STAFF
He was imprisoned in a secret California prison facility.
THE PRESIDENT
Have him released.
CHIEF OF STAFF
He was also tortured.
THE PRESIDENT
Well, have a medical team . . .
CHIEF OF STAFF
Then he was decapitated and fed to boars.
THE PRESIDENT
Whoa.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Fortunately, he was trained for exactly that.
THE PRESIDENT
Are you saying that he could . . .
CHIEF OF STAFF
We won’t know until after the commercial.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: THE INFIRMARY OF A SECRET CALIFORNIA PRISON
Jack Bauer is sitting on an examination table. There are boar bites all over his body and a bandage wrapped around his neck. A doctor has just finished examining him.
DOCTOR
You’re going to experience some soreness from having your head reattached to your body. I suggest you take it easy for at least the next hour.
JACK
Give me your phone.
DOCTOR
If you need to make a call, there’s a phone in
Similar Books
