got satellite recon video showing unusual activity at the Chevy Chase seaport.
JACK
What kind of unusual activity?
CHLOE
Two men took possession of a crate exactly the size of a proton defrackulator, loaded it into a van, and took off. Also they shot all the dockworkers.
JACK
Hmm. Were they swarthy?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’m uploading a photo.
JACK (LOOKING AT PHONE)
Those are terrorists, all right. Do you have a visual on the van?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Yes.
JACK
What?
CHLOE
Sorry. I mean, affirmative. The van stopped at a wedding reception to deliver a floral centerpiece.
JACK
What kind?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Cymbidium orchids in a bed of asparagus leaves accented with wisps of bear grass.
JACK
Bear grass?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Latin name Xerophyllum tenax.
JACK
Copy that. Where’s the van now?
CHLOE
It’s heading toward the Department of Commerce building in downtown Washington on Old Plankton Road.
JACK
Keep me posted. I’m landing at the White House now.
The chopper lands on the White House lawn. Jack jumps out, shoots a Marine attempting to salute him, and strides into the White House. An instant later he enters the Situation Room.
THE PRESIDENT
Mr. Bauer, thank you for . . . Whoa, are those boar bites?
JACK
There was also an ocelot. I’ll be fine.
THE PRESIDENT
Ouch. Anyway, thank you for coming from California in eight minutes.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
I say we arrest him on trumped-up charges for crimes he did not commit.
THE PRESIDENT
Not yet, you moron. Jack, what do you know about the plot?
JACK
The terrorists brought the proton defrackulator in through the Chevy Chase seaport and are heading into Washington on Old Plankton Road.
FBI DIRECTOR
Wait a minute. There is no “Chevy Chase seaport,” and no “Old Plankton Road.”
THE PRESIDENT
If you think that with millions of American lives at stake I’m going to sit here and listen to your legalistic nitpicking just because once a year after thirty-one to thirty-six days of gestation I give birth to a blind hairless infant the size of a lima bean and then nurse it to maturity from a teat in my pouch, then you have another think coming. General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?
GENERAL
We—
Jack shoots the general in the thigh.
JACK
There’s no time for that. I’ll need a tactical assault team of extras headed by an attractive woman.
THE PRESIDENT
Done.
JACK
Also I may have to blow up the Department of Commerce. Apparently it’s a terrorist hideout.
THE PRESIDENT
I wondered what they did in there.
Jack strides out. For a moment the Situation Room is silent.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Wait . . . you’re a female kangaroo?
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Jack lands the helicopter outside the Department of Commerce Building. As he climbs out, an attractive black-clad woman approaches. Jack shoots her.
WOMAN (CLUTCHING HER THIGH)
Wait! FBI!
JACK
Sorry.
WOMAN
It’s just a bullet wound; it’ll heal in a few minutes. I’m Faye Baker, your romantic interest.
JACK
Be advised that I have a brooding personality and never allow anyone to get too close.
FAYE
Is that because of the lonely burden you bear?
JACK
Also I haven’t pooped in nine years. Have you established a totally ineffective perimeter?
FAYE
Of course.
JACK (SPEAKING INTO PHONE)
Chloe, I need the building schematics now.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Uploading.
JACK (LOOKING AT PHONE)
These are pictures of you naked.
CHLOE
Whoops.
JACK
Is that a llama?
CHLOE (TAPPING FURIOUSLY)
Here are the schematics.
JACK (FROWNING AT PHONE)
According to these, we can enter the building by . . . the door.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Jack, there’s something else.
JACK
What is it?
CHLOE
I just ran a cross-modulated algorithm sequentialization series on the HEPCOM database, and for shocking-plot-twist reasons that make no logical sense, which is why I’m talking really fast and using random technical-sounding buzzwords, your
JACK
What kind of unusual activity?
CHLOE
Two men took possession of a crate exactly the size of a proton defrackulator, loaded it into a van, and took off. Also they shot all the dockworkers.
JACK
Hmm. Were they swarthy?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’m uploading a photo.
JACK (LOOKING AT PHONE)
Those are terrorists, all right. Do you have a visual on the van?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Yes.
JACK
What?
CHLOE
Sorry. I mean, affirmative. The van stopped at a wedding reception to deliver a floral centerpiece.
JACK
What kind?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Cymbidium orchids in a bed of asparagus leaves accented with wisps of bear grass.
JACK
Bear grass?
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Latin name Xerophyllum tenax.
JACK
Copy that. Where’s the van now?
CHLOE
It’s heading toward the Department of Commerce building in downtown Washington on Old Plankton Road.
JACK
Keep me posted. I’m landing at the White House now.
The chopper lands on the White House lawn. Jack jumps out, shoots a Marine attempting to salute him, and strides into the White House. An instant later he enters the Situation Room.
THE PRESIDENT
Mr. Bauer, thank you for . . . Whoa, are those boar bites?
JACK
There was also an ocelot. I’ll be fine.
THE PRESIDENT
Ouch. Anyway, thank you for coming from California in eight minutes.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
I say we arrest him on trumped-up charges for crimes he did not commit.
THE PRESIDENT
Not yet, you moron. Jack, what do you know about the plot?
JACK
The terrorists brought the proton defrackulator in through the Chevy Chase seaport and are heading into Washington on Old Plankton Road.
FBI DIRECTOR
Wait a minute. There is no “Chevy Chase seaport,” and no “Old Plankton Road.”
THE PRESIDENT
If you think that with millions of American lives at stake I’m going to sit here and listen to your legalistic nitpicking just because once a year after thirty-one to thirty-six days of gestation I give birth to a blind hairless infant the size of a lima bean and then nurse it to maturity from a teat in my pouch, then you have another think coming. General, what do the Joint Chiefs recommend?
GENERAL
We—
Jack shoots the general in the thigh.
JACK
There’s no time for that. I’ll need a tactical assault team of extras headed by an attractive woman.
THE PRESIDENT
Done.
JACK
Also I may have to blow up the Department of Commerce. Apparently it’s a terrorist hideout.
THE PRESIDENT
I wondered what they did in there.
Jack strides out. For a moment the Situation Room is silent.
THE VICE PRESIDENT
Wait . . . you’re a female kangaroo?
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON, D.C.
Jack lands the helicopter outside the Department of Commerce Building. As he climbs out, an attractive black-clad woman approaches. Jack shoots her.
WOMAN (CLUTCHING HER THIGH)
Wait! FBI!
JACK
Sorry.
WOMAN
It’s just a bullet wound; it’ll heal in a few minutes. I’m Faye Baker, your romantic interest.
JACK
Be advised that I have a brooding personality and never allow anyone to get too close.
FAYE
Is that because of the lonely burden you bear?
JACK
Also I haven’t pooped in nine years. Have you established a totally ineffective perimeter?
FAYE
Of course.
JACK (SPEAKING INTO PHONE)
Chloe, I need the building schematics now.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Uploading.
JACK (LOOKING AT PHONE)
These are pictures of you naked.
CHLOE
Whoops.
JACK
Is that a llama?
CHLOE (TAPPING FURIOUSLY)
Here are the schematics.
JACK (FROWNING AT PHONE)
According to these, we can enter the building by . . . the door.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
Jack, there’s something else.
JACK
What is it?
CHLOE
I just ran a cross-modulated algorithm sequentialization series on the HEPCOM database, and for shocking-plot-twist reasons that make no logical sense, which is why I’m talking really fast and using random technical-sounding buzzwords, your
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