the—
JACK
Dammit, there’s NO TIME!
Jack pulls a gun and shoots the doctor in the thigh. As the doctor falls to the floor, Jack snatches his cell phone and dials a number. The scene shifts to an FBI office in Washington, D.C., where Chloe, sitting at her computer, answers the phone.
CHLOE
Hello?
JACK
Chloe, it’s Jack.
CHLOE
Jack? I thought you were decapitated and consumed by boars.
JACK
Not anymore.
CHLOE
Thank God. I thought I wasn’t getting any lines this season. Last year all I did was a PSA for Earth Day, while Janeane Garofalo got—
JACK
Dammit, Chloe, there’s NO TIME. A terrorist cell is bringing in a proton defrackulator.
CHLOE
That sounds bad.
JACK
I need a map showing the port of entry for every international freight shipment in the past thirteen days weighing between fifty-two and sixty-three kilograms, overlaid with another grid showing the locations of all metropolitan areas with populations of twenty-eight thousand or more, overlaid with another grid showing prevailing wind direction and speed, overlaid with another grid showing the location of every odd-numbered Waffle House in North America.
CHLOE (TAPPING ON HER KEYBOARD)
I’m sending it now.
Jack looks at the cell-phone screen, which says : “DOWNLOADING.”
DOCTOR (WATCHING FROM THE FLOOR)
How are you doing that with my phone? I can’t even get a signal in here.
Jack, without taking his eyes off the phone, shoots the doctor in the other thigh to silence him. The phone is now displaying a detailed map with many symbols, including a blinking red dot over Washington, D.C.
JACK
Looks like they’re bringing the defrackulator into the Washington area.
CHLOE
That makes sense. All the other main characters are here.
JACK (STEPPING OVER THE DOCTOR AND HEADING FOR THE EXIT)
I’ll need transport.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’ll send a helicopter.
Jack runs outside. A helicopter immediately appears overhead.
JACK
OK, I see it.
CHLOE
What?
JACK
Sorry. I mean I have a visual on it. Have the FBI set up a perimeter around Washington, Maryland, and Virginia. Don’t let anybody in or out. Shut down the shipping lanes and set up satellite surveillance to detect anybody on the Eastern Seaboard who looks vaguely Middle Eastern.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’m on it.
Jack runs to the helicopter. The pilot opens the door. Jack climbs in. The pilot gestures for Jack to put on his seat belt. Jack shouts something, shoots the pilot in the thigh, throws him out of the chopper, grabs the controls, and takes off.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: A SEAPORT
Two vaguely Middle-Eastern-looking terrorists are watching as a crane lowers a wooden crate from a freighter to the pier. Stenciled on the side of the crate are the words “HARMLESS MACHINE PARTS . ”
FIRST TERRORIST
Once the proton defrackulator is loaded into the van, we’ll take it to our secret hideout in Washington.
SECOND TERRORIST
Then we will activate it and carry out the plan to kill millions of Americans.
FIRST TERRORIST
You should roll your “r”s, so our accents sound more alike.
The two men watch as dockworkers finish loading the crate into a white van. The first man pulls out a cell phone and dials a number.
FIRST TERRORIST (INTO PHONE)
I have the floral centerpiece and will deliver it to the wedding reception. (He ends the call.)
SECOND TERRORIST
Was that a coded message to the terrorist mastermind?
FIRST TERRORIST
No, that was my brother-in-law, the florist. I’m helping him out with a wedding.
SECOND TERRORIST
Let’s get going, then. Those millions of Americans aren’t going to kill themselves!
The two men enjoy a vaguely Middle Eastern laugh, then shoot the dockworkers, get into the van, and drive away.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: INSIDE THE HELICOPTER
Jack is at the controls. The phone he took from the doctor rings. He plugs a Bluetooth headset into his ear.
JACK
Jack Bauer.
CHLOE
Jack, we just
JACK
Dammit, there’s NO TIME!
Jack pulls a gun and shoots the doctor in the thigh. As the doctor falls to the floor, Jack snatches his cell phone and dials a number. The scene shifts to an FBI office in Washington, D.C., where Chloe, sitting at her computer, answers the phone.
CHLOE
Hello?
JACK
Chloe, it’s Jack.
CHLOE
Jack? I thought you were decapitated and consumed by boars.
JACK
Not anymore.
CHLOE
Thank God. I thought I wasn’t getting any lines this season. Last year all I did was a PSA for Earth Day, while Janeane Garofalo got—
JACK
Dammit, Chloe, there’s NO TIME. A terrorist cell is bringing in a proton defrackulator.
CHLOE
That sounds bad.
JACK
I need a map showing the port of entry for every international freight shipment in the past thirteen days weighing between fifty-two and sixty-three kilograms, overlaid with another grid showing the locations of all metropolitan areas with populations of twenty-eight thousand or more, overlaid with another grid showing prevailing wind direction and speed, overlaid with another grid showing the location of every odd-numbered Waffle House in North America.
CHLOE (TAPPING ON HER KEYBOARD)
I’m sending it now.
Jack looks at the cell-phone screen, which says : “DOWNLOADING.”
DOCTOR (WATCHING FROM THE FLOOR)
How are you doing that with my phone? I can’t even get a signal in here.
Jack, without taking his eyes off the phone, shoots the doctor in the other thigh to silence him. The phone is now displaying a detailed map with many symbols, including a blinking red dot over Washington, D.C.
JACK
Looks like they’re bringing the defrackulator into the Washington area.
CHLOE
That makes sense. All the other main characters are here.
JACK (STEPPING OVER THE DOCTOR AND HEADING FOR THE EXIT)
I’ll need transport.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’ll send a helicopter.
Jack runs outside. A helicopter immediately appears overhead.
JACK
OK, I see it.
CHLOE
What?
JACK
Sorry. I mean I have a visual on it. Have the FBI set up a perimeter around Washington, Maryland, and Virginia. Don’t let anybody in or out. Shut down the shipping lanes and set up satellite surveillance to detect anybody on the Eastern Seaboard who looks vaguely Middle Eastern.
CHLOE (TAPPING)
I’m on it.
Jack runs to the helicopter. The pilot opens the door. Jack climbs in. The pilot gestures for Jack to put on his seat belt. Jack shouts something, shoots the pilot in the thigh, throws him out of the chopper, grabs the controls, and takes off.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: A SEAPORT
Two vaguely Middle-Eastern-looking terrorists are watching as a crane lowers a wooden crate from a freighter to the pier. Stenciled on the side of the crate are the words “HARMLESS MACHINE PARTS . ”
FIRST TERRORIST
Once the proton defrackulator is loaded into the van, we’ll take it to our secret hideout in Washington.
SECOND TERRORIST
Then we will activate it and carry out the plan to kill millions of Americans.
FIRST TERRORIST
You should roll your “r”s, so our accents sound more alike.
The two men watch as dockworkers finish loading the crate into a white van. The first man pulls out a cell phone and dials a number.
FIRST TERRORIST (INTO PHONE)
I have the floral centerpiece and will deliver it to the wedding reception. (He ends the call.)
SECOND TERRORIST
Was that a coded message to the terrorist mastermind?
FIRST TERRORIST
No, that was my brother-in-law, the florist. I’m helping him out with a wedding.
SECOND TERRORIST
Let’s get going, then. Those millions of Americans aren’t going to kill themselves!
The two men enjoy a vaguely Middle Eastern laugh, then shoot the dockworkers, get into the van, and drive away.
COMMERCIAL
SETTING: INSIDE THE HELICOPTER
Jack is at the controls. The phone he took from the doctor rings. He plugs a Bluetooth headset into his ear.
JACK
Jack Bauer.
CHLOE
Jack, we just
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