I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White
Book: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White
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Authors: Ron White
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is, Ron, you guys can spend the night here."
So Barbara and I, whatever happens happens. We go upstairs and crash. And I start thinking, "Fuck, I gotta be on the set. My call's at six fifteen."
It was fairly early when we went to bed, only about 10:30 or so, 'cause we'd been going at it all fucking day long. But I woke up at 4:30 in the morning, and I'm going, "Fuck. We gotta get outta here."
I look at the bed, and it's got blood all over it. And I look at my jeans, and there's blood all over my fucking jeans. I'm like, "What the fuck happened? Oh, fuck, let's go."
Barbara says, "We can't leave the bloodied sheets at the Engvalls' house."
I'm like, "We got no choice. I gotta be on the set at six fifteen. We'll just sneak out."
We open the door and the alarm goes off: "Ding, ding, ding." We shut the fucking door, jump in the car, and drive. Barbara says, "Wait a minute. I'm missing my earrings and my watch."
It turns out I had fallen on a glass and cut my leg pretty bad. But I didn't realize I was cut, that's how fucked up I was. I just bled all over their house.
I put Barbara on a plane and went back to work. The Engvalls FedExed Barbara her earrings and watch.
And I've never been invited to their house again. Bill would never tell you that he holds that night against me: the bloodstained sheets, the spilled expensive whisky, saying "cocksucker" in front of his eight-year-old, and Barbara and me getting frisky in the hot tub. Not one little bit: "Ron, your behavior was stellar, thank you for coming over. Visit us again soon."
I felt bad about it. I still feel bad about it. But at the time I was also feeling good about my career. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is going great. The concert film is in the can at Warner Bros., and they're saying they're gonna spend $12 million to promote its release in the theaters. 'Cause it's testing through the roof. It's getting great fucking numbers. People love it.
So I think, "Fuck, I got it made. Warner Bros. loves me. And Fox loves me."
Fox is putting me up in this great hotel. And they've rented this BMW for me to drive. I had never driven one before, and I kinda liked it. Now, I know Fox has other shows in development, but I think, "They can't be treating everybody this great. They must love me in particular."
In fact, Fox had done fourteen pilots and they had spent a pile of money on all of them. But mine was a single-camera shoot. And they had to rent lots from Universal, where we could shoot Mexican street scenes. So it was extra-expensive to produce.
They were gonna pick four shows. They had also bought a pilot from NBC called The Ortegas that starred Cheech Marin. So it got down to five shows including The Ortegas and Senor White .
In the meantime Warner Bros. releases Blue Collar Comedy in movie theaters. But instead of spending $12 million on promotion, they spend $600,000, which is less. And they put it in cities where we'd toured a lot and people had seen us live recently, and they needed to be patient, and they weren't.
Warner Bros. pulled the movie out of release and said they were going to put it straight to DVD. At that time Hollywood only brought a DVD out quick when they thought the movie was a dud.
I still thought Senor White was gonna make the cut. I went out and bought a $2,000 suit to wear to the party. I thought there's no way they're gonna pick The Ortegas , 'cause it sucked. I got a copy and it was terrible. It was really stereotypical.
My show, I never talked down to the Mexicans. I was the fish out of water, they were the geniuses.
My manager saw the pilot for The Ortegas and he told this guy at Fox, "This Ortegas thing sucks." And the guy said, 'That's the nicest thing anybody's said about it yet.'"
But they thought they could market Cheech Marin. 'Cause what they wound up doing was brainlessly picking the four shows under development that had the four biggest names. One of 'em ended up being decent. But they made six episodes of The Ortegas ,
So Barbara and I, whatever happens happens. We go upstairs and crash. And I start thinking, "Fuck, I gotta be on the set. My call's at six fifteen."
It was fairly early when we went to bed, only about 10:30 or so, 'cause we'd been going at it all fucking day long. But I woke up at 4:30 in the morning, and I'm going, "Fuck. We gotta get outta here."
I look at the bed, and it's got blood all over it. And I look at my jeans, and there's blood all over my fucking jeans. I'm like, "What the fuck happened? Oh, fuck, let's go."
Barbara says, "We can't leave the bloodied sheets at the Engvalls' house."
I'm like, "We got no choice. I gotta be on the set at six fifteen. We'll just sneak out."
We open the door and the alarm goes off: "Ding, ding, ding." We shut the fucking door, jump in the car, and drive. Barbara says, "Wait a minute. I'm missing my earrings and my watch."
It turns out I had fallen on a glass and cut my leg pretty bad. But I didn't realize I was cut, that's how fucked up I was. I just bled all over their house.
I put Barbara on a plane and went back to work. The Engvalls FedExed Barbara her earrings and watch.
And I've never been invited to their house again. Bill would never tell you that he holds that night against me: the bloodstained sheets, the spilled expensive whisky, saying "cocksucker" in front of his eight-year-old, and Barbara and me getting frisky in the hot tub. Not one little bit: "Ron, your behavior was stellar, thank you for coming over. Visit us again soon."
I felt bad about it. I still feel bad about it. But at the time I was also feeling good about my career. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is going great. The concert film is in the can at Warner Bros., and they're saying they're gonna spend $12 million to promote its release in the theaters. 'Cause it's testing through the roof. It's getting great fucking numbers. People love it.
So I think, "Fuck, I got it made. Warner Bros. loves me. And Fox loves me."
Fox is putting me up in this great hotel. And they've rented this BMW for me to drive. I had never driven one before, and I kinda liked it. Now, I know Fox has other shows in development, but I think, "They can't be treating everybody this great. They must love me in particular."
In fact, Fox had done fourteen pilots and they had spent a pile of money on all of them. But mine was a single-camera shoot. And they had to rent lots from Universal, where we could shoot Mexican street scenes. So it was extra-expensive to produce.
They were gonna pick four shows. They had also bought a pilot from NBC called The Ortegas that starred Cheech Marin. So it got down to five shows including The Ortegas and Senor White .
In the meantime Warner Bros. releases Blue Collar Comedy in movie theaters. But instead of spending $12 million on promotion, they spend $600,000, which is less. And they put it in cities where we'd toured a lot and people had seen us live recently, and they needed to be patient, and they weren't.
Warner Bros. pulled the movie out of release and said they were going to put it straight to DVD. At that time Hollywood only brought a DVD out quick when they thought the movie was a dud.
I still thought Senor White was gonna make the cut. I went out and bought a $2,000 suit to wear to the party. I thought there's no way they're gonna pick The Ortegas , 'cause it sucked. I got a copy and it was terrible. It was really stereotypical.
My show, I never talked down to the Mexicans. I was the fish out of water, they were the geniuses.
My manager saw the pilot for The Ortegas and he told this guy at Fox, "This Ortegas thing sucks." And the guy said, 'That's the nicest thing anybody's said about it yet.'"
But they thought they could market Cheech Marin. 'Cause what they wound up doing was brainlessly picking the four shows under development that had the four biggest names. One of 'em ended up being decent. But they made six episodes of The Ortegas ,
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