I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White Page A
Book: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White
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Authors: Ron White
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and they didn't show any of 'em.
And by the way, since Fox is not picking up my show, I've got to vacate that nice hotel room and turn in the BMW they've been paying for. It's time to stop dreaming about being a television star and get back to doing stand-up.
8
ONSTAGE: SET 4
I was in Arizona, I was out late. It was a wild night.
I got back to my hotel at 7:30 in the morning. And I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for seven o'clock.
And the lady at the desk goes, "Mr. White, it's past seven."
I'm like, "No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through Arizona now."
B ecause of the unrest in the Middle East, we're all just a little bit more familiar with the globe than we used to be. I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt.
And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
You know the ayatollah in Iran died recently. And they were searching desperately for the next ayatollah.
And I suggested they pick that guy they kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mau Mau.
M y brother's a doctor, and my sister's an attorney. And I hate Thanksgiving.
Last year the family's sitting around the dining-room table. And my brother tells a story about all the lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage and helping the children.
My mom goes, "Well, Ron, is there anything new with your career?"
And I go, "Yeah, I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster."
Maybe I should've told my story first.
I was just in New York. I love New York. And I read an article in the paper there, and it said that there were one hundred million rats in the sewers of Manhattan.
And I was thinking to myself, "Why didn't they just kill them while they were counting them?"
One, thunk . Two, thunk . With a rat hammer.
I don't even know if there is such a thing as a rat hammer. Be handy, though.
S ome people took me tubing down the Salt River. I had never gone tubing before.
Twenty-one of us met to go tube the river. We had six ice chests full of beer with the tubes wrapped around them.
We floated down that river drinking beer for six and a half hours.
And I was baffled by this: Not one person had to pee.
Is that normal? I'd like to think my friends wouldn't pee on themselves.
I know I would. That was the best thing about tubing the river. You could just paddle up to somebody you don't even know, talk to him while you're peeing on yourself. That's relaxed right there. If you're floating down a river drinking a beer, peeing on yourself, there's no tension there, is there?
I guess we'd been floating down that river for like an hour, before I realized, well, everybody's just peeing on themselves. Hell, I'll just pee on myself.
Everybody got mad at me.
Of course, I was in a canoe. Standing up.
Not everybody got mad. A couple of people viewed it as a photo opportunity, and I know that because I got their Christmas card last year.
I don't remember it being that cold that afternoon.
I lived in Mexico for a couple of years. And I was in a horrific car crash down there, and I had a metal plate put in my head by a Mexican doctor.
No kidding. And the weird thing was, right before he performed the surgery he said, "Be very careful, this plate is hot."
I did a show in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and you never know, until you're onstage, how much of the crowd you can see. Usually you might be able to see the first couple of rows.
Or maybe not. But this time I could, and there was a lady in the front row that was wearing a denim Western skirt with buttons up the front.
Except it wasn't buttoned up the front. And her legs were just kind of splayed, right?
I'm trying to ignore it, but I've got this shitty attention span that I treat with scotch. Unsuccessfully.
Anyhow, I was so distracted I actually stopped the show, and I said, "Ma'am, would you
And by the way, since Fox is not picking up my show, I've got to vacate that nice hotel room and turn in the BMW they've been paying for. It's time to stop dreaming about being a television star and get back to doing stand-up.
8
ONSTAGE: SET 4
I was in Arizona, I was out late. It was a wild night.
I got back to my hotel at 7:30 in the morning. And I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for seven o'clock.
And the lady at the desk goes, "Mr. White, it's past seven."
I'm like, "No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through Arizona now."
B ecause of the unrest in the Middle East, we're all just a little bit more familiar with the globe than we used to be. I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt.
And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
You know the ayatollah in Iran died recently. And they were searching desperately for the next ayatollah.
And I suggested they pick that guy they kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mau Mau.
M y brother's a doctor, and my sister's an attorney. And I hate Thanksgiving.
Last year the family's sitting around the dining-room table. And my brother tells a story about all the lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage and helping the children.
My mom goes, "Well, Ron, is there anything new with your career?"
And I go, "Yeah, I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster."
Maybe I should've told my story first.
I was just in New York. I love New York. And I read an article in the paper there, and it said that there were one hundred million rats in the sewers of Manhattan.
And I was thinking to myself, "Why didn't they just kill them while they were counting them?"
One, thunk . Two, thunk . With a rat hammer.
I don't even know if there is such a thing as a rat hammer. Be handy, though.
S ome people took me tubing down the Salt River. I had never gone tubing before.
Twenty-one of us met to go tube the river. We had six ice chests full of beer with the tubes wrapped around them.
We floated down that river drinking beer for six and a half hours.
And I was baffled by this: Not one person had to pee.
Is that normal? I'd like to think my friends wouldn't pee on themselves.
I know I would. That was the best thing about tubing the river. You could just paddle up to somebody you don't even know, talk to him while you're peeing on yourself. That's relaxed right there. If you're floating down a river drinking a beer, peeing on yourself, there's no tension there, is there?
I guess we'd been floating down that river for like an hour, before I realized, well, everybody's just peeing on themselves. Hell, I'll just pee on myself.
Everybody got mad at me.
Of course, I was in a canoe. Standing up.
Not everybody got mad. A couple of people viewed it as a photo opportunity, and I know that because I got their Christmas card last year.
I don't remember it being that cold that afternoon.
I lived in Mexico for a couple of years. And I was in a horrific car crash down there, and I had a metal plate put in my head by a Mexican doctor.
No kidding. And the weird thing was, right before he performed the surgery he said, "Be very careful, this plate is hot."
I did a show in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and you never know, until you're onstage, how much of the crowd you can see. Usually you might be able to see the first couple of rows.
Or maybe not. But this time I could, and there was a lady in the front row that was wearing a denim Western skirt with buttons up the front.
Except it wasn't buttoned up the front. And her legs were just kind of splayed, right?
I'm trying to ignore it, but I've got this shitty attention span that I treat with scotch. Unsuccessfully.
Anyhow, I was so distracted I actually stopped the show, and I said, "Ma'am, would you
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