I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White Page B
Book: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability by Ron White
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Authors: Ron White
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please close your legs? I can see your slip there."
And she got all pissed off. She goes, "It's not a slip. It's a petticoat."
I'm like, "Well, I can see the junction. And Uncle Joe needs a shave."
L ast year I did a show for the troops at Fort Polk, Louisiana. And it was a lot of fun.
But you didn't have to be in the military to be at this show. There were civilians there too.
And I was just talking about the base, and I mentioned, because I toured it that day and I had just learned this, that there were forty thousand men stationed there.
And this really well-dressed drunk woman hollers out, "Every one of them is a bad fuck."
I was like, boy, you know, it seems like after about thirty-nine thousand times you'd start to think, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to read a book."
I drink too much. Other people learn things when I drink. Last night a limo driver learned if I say I gotta yak, it doesn't mean I have a longhaired buffalo living in my backyard.
He's like, "Really, what do you feed it?"
"Corn."
T he space shuttle depresses me. How big a piece of shit is that piece of equipment?
Good Lord, give them a goddamn tool kit, for fuck's sake. They're out there with a bottle of putty and a spackle blade, trying to put this piece of shit back together.
Well, what are they gonna give them next year, a carrot peeler and some hemostats?
I may be the stupidest son of a bitch that ever lived. I may be. But I thought when the space shuttle blew to smithereens and killed a bunch of people, I thought they were building new ones.
They're not. They're just using the only one they've got left. Folks, this is a 1985 Columbia . What do you think the Blue Book is on an '85 Columbia ?
And I'm not a scientist, but I've got a little tip for the people up at NASA. Quit building the heat shield out of fuckin' foam. It ain't a durable product. A buddy of mine came over the other day, sat on my ice chest, and it busted to pieces. I'm like, that's what's going wrong with the space shuttle right there.
You need something more durable than foam. Like wood.
M y uncle came over my house the other day. He used to be president of the Southern Baptist Convention. His name is Dr. Charles Pollard.
And I was making myself a drink. 'Cause I drink in front of anybody. It doesn't matter to me. I don't pretend to be somebody I'm not.
My uncle said, "You're never going to find the answer to your problems in that bottle."
I said, "I know. That's why I'm gonna buy another one. I knew this one was a dud as soon as I opened it."
But it's a sin to waste.
I 've been spending a ton of time in Los Angeles. I learn things when I go to L.A.
I learned this: They have bikinis now made out of seashells. I didn't know that.
And I also didn't know this: If you're ever walking down the beach, and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
Who'da thunk it? I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over that woman.
"Hush, ma'am."
She was a wiggler.
L .A. changes people, that's why I don't like it, you know what I mean? I got a buddy of mine from Houston, a comedian, moves to L.A. Six months in L.A., I don't know him.
Six months in L.A., now he's a vegetarian, a humanitarian, environmentalist. You know, great. If you're a vegetarian, you're not gonna recruit me. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
It's not even that good for you. Ever see a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit. They're all plump and gray, because their bodies have become intolerant of things they need.
I'll give you an example. My buddy and I were on the way to the Melrose Improv in Hollywood to do a set. And he says this, and I quote, "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. I think that vegetable soup I had for lunch must've had beef broth in it."
I didn't know what to say. "Your system's kicking back--broth? You're a manly man, aren't ya? Why are you a vegetarian?"
And she got all pissed off. She goes, "It's not a slip. It's a petticoat."
I'm like, "Well, I can see the junction. And Uncle Joe needs a shave."
L ast year I did a show for the troops at Fort Polk, Louisiana. And it was a lot of fun.
But you didn't have to be in the military to be at this show. There were civilians there too.
And I was just talking about the base, and I mentioned, because I toured it that day and I had just learned this, that there were forty thousand men stationed there.
And this really well-dressed drunk woman hollers out, "Every one of them is a bad fuck."
I was like, boy, you know, it seems like after about thirty-nine thousand times you'd start to think, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to read a book."
I drink too much. Other people learn things when I drink. Last night a limo driver learned if I say I gotta yak, it doesn't mean I have a longhaired buffalo living in my backyard.
He's like, "Really, what do you feed it?"
"Corn."
T he space shuttle depresses me. How big a piece of shit is that piece of equipment?
Good Lord, give them a goddamn tool kit, for fuck's sake. They're out there with a bottle of putty and a spackle blade, trying to put this piece of shit back together.
Well, what are they gonna give them next year, a carrot peeler and some hemostats?
I may be the stupidest son of a bitch that ever lived. I may be. But I thought when the space shuttle blew to smithereens and killed a bunch of people, I thought they were building new ones.
They're not. They're just using the only one they've got left. Folks, this is a 1985 Columbia . What do you think the Blue Book is on an '85 Columbia ?
And I'm not a scientist, but I've got a little tip for the people up at NASA. Quit building the heat shield out of fuckin' foam. It ain't a durable product. A buddy of mine came over the other day, sat on my ice chest, and it busted to pieces. I'm like, that's what's going wrong with the space shuttle right there.
You need something more durable than foam. Like wood.
M y uncle came over my house the other day. He used to be president of the Southern Baptist Convention. His name is Dr. Charles Pollard.
And I was making myself a drink. 'Cause I drink in front of anybody. It doesn't matter to me. I don't pretend to be somebody I'm not.
My uncle said, "You're never going to find the answer to your problems in that bottle."
I said, "I know. That's why I'm gonna buy another one. I knew this one was a dud as soon as I opened it."
But it's a sin to waste.
I 've been spending a ton of time in Los Angeles. I learn things when I go to L.A.
I learned this: They have bikinis now made out of seashells. I didn't know that.
And I also didn't know this: If you're ever walking down the beach, and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
Who'da thunk it? I thought I'd hear the ocean, but not over that woman.
"Hush, ma'am."
She was a wiggler.
L .A. changes people, that's why I don't like it, you know what I mean? I got a buddy of mine from Houston, a comedian, moves to L.A. Six months in L.A., I don't know him.
Six months in L.A., now he's a vegetarian, a humanitarian, environmentalist. You know, great. If you're a vegetarian, you're not gonna recruit me. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
It's not even that good for you. Ever see a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit. They're all plump and gray, because their bodies have become intolerant of things they need.
I'll give you an example. My buddy and I were on the way to the Melrose Improv in Hollywood to do a set. And he says this, and I quote, "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. I think that vegetable soup I had for lunch must've had beef broth in it."
I didn't know what to say. "Your system's kicking back--broth? You're a manly man, aren't ya? Why are you a vegetarian?"
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