were scanned during sexual arousal revealed that women virtually fall into a ‘trance’ during orgasm and that this brain “deactivity” is necessary for a female to orgasm. A big part of female arousal, much more so than of male arousal, seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety. Fantasy helps that happen. Says Dr. Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, [may] be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.” So keep fantasizing. Your body and mind are doing what comes naturally for you to experience orgasm.
Am I Normal?
The idea that fantasies aren’t normal comes from Freud, who declared, “a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.” The Bill Gates of sexuality, Freud enjoyed a virtual monopoly in the field. Psychiatrists and the academy jumped on the idea, developing what was commonly referred to as “deficiency theory”—the idea that fantasies signify some deficiency in individuals. A product of the Victorian age in an era of profound socioeconomic upheaval, Freud’s theories effectively bullied the sexually-shamed masses into submission. They rigidified the codification of sex and gender, labeling those who dared to deviate from these codes or even fantasize about something different perverts and hysterics.
Today we recognize, even valorize, that sexuality resides on a continuum where normal and abnormal are differentiated by subtle hues of gray. Just look at any Internet porn site, and you will find an encyclopedic menu of readily available prefabricated fantasies that span from orgies and bondage to sex with farm animals. In an economy largely divorced, as it were, from the family, it seems that fast-food fixes, like pornography, have come to force feed our inordinate hunger, enabling us to remain in stable relationships mired in sexual secrecy, shame, and guilt.
Of course, sexual fantasy can be a powerful and healthy tool to facilitate intimacy and pleasure. But how we, as individuals, deal with our fantasies—whether we embrace them, repress them, or use them as a substitute for intimacy—will depend on a variety of factors, especially our upbringing. Based on clinical data, approximately one out of four people report some degree of guilt, ambivalence, or fear associated with their sexual fantasies, so much so that it impairs their sex lives.
As an example, individuals from strict, authoritarian, or devoutly religious families are more likely to see their fantasies as forbidden, condemning them as sinful and immoral, based on the view that evil thoughts spawn evil deeds. Some simply find their fantasies embarrassing. Many fear that their fantasies signify mental illness or worry that, unless curbed, thoughts of illicit conduct will eventually bubble to the surface and demand overt enactment.
Dear Ian,
I’m engaged to a great guy. We’ve been together three years, and we’re getting married in two months. The problem is I’ve started having sexual fantasies about his brother. It started with a sexy dream, and now I find myself often thinking about my brother-in-law-to-be when I masturbate. The reason I’m writing is because last night I was having sex with my fiancé, and the whole time I was thinking about his brother! Help! The more I try to push the thought away, the more I end up thinking about it. I feel so guilty. Should I call off the wedding?
—Alexandra, thirty-one, computer programmer
First, you have to ask yourself if your fantasies are a legitimate indication of ambivalence about your impending marriage. Is there something going on that you may not be admitting to yourself? The fact that you’re fantasizing about your fiancé’s brother could be your unconscious way of expressing doubt. It could also be a way of grappling with fears regarding your ability to sustain a long-term relationship through
Am I Normal?
The idea that fantasies aren’t normal comes from Freud, who declared, “a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.” The Bill Gates of sexuality, Freud enjoyed a virtual monopoly in the field. Psychiatrists and the academy jumped on the idea, developing what was commonly referred to as “deficiency theory”—the idea that fantasies signify some deficiency in individuals. A product of the Victorian age in an era of profound socioeconomic upheaval, Freud’s theories effectively bullied the sexually-shamed masses into submission. They rigidified the codification of sex and gender, labeling those who dared to deviate from these codes or even fantasize about something different perverts and hysterics.
Today we recognize, even valorize, that sexuality resides on a continuum where normal and abnormal are differentiated by subtle hues of gray. Just look at any Internet porn site, and you will find an encyclopedic menu of readily available prefabricated fantasies that span from orgies and bondage to sex with farm animals. In an economy largely divorced, as it were, from the family, it seems that fast-food fixes, like pornography, have come to force feed our inordinate hunger, enabling us to remain in stable relationships mired in sexual secrecy, shame, and guilt.
Of course, sexual fantasy can be a powerful and healthy tool to facilitate intimacy and pleasure. But how we, as individuals, deal with our fantasies—whether we embrace them, repress them, or use them as a substitute for intimacy—will depend on a variety of factors, especially our upbringing. Based on clinical data, approximately one out of four people report some degree of guilt, ambivalence, or fear associated with their sexual fantasies, so much so that it impairs their sex lives.
As an example, individuals from strict, authoritarian, or devoutly religious families are more likely to see their fantasies as forbidden, condemning them as sinful and immoral, based on the view that evil thoughts spawn evil deeds. Some simply find their fantasies embarrassing. Many fear that their fantasies signify mental illness or worry that, unless curbed, thoughts of illicit conduct will eventually bubble to the surface and demand overt enactment.
Dear Ian,
I’m engaged to a great guy. We’ve been together three years, and we’re getting married in two months. The problem is I’ve started having sexual fantasies about his brother. It started with a sexy dream, and now I find myself often thinking about my brother-in-law-to-be when I masturbate. The reason I’m writing is because last night I was having sex with my fiancé, and the whole time I was thinking about his brother! Help! The more I try to push the thought away, the more I end up thinking about it. I feel so guilty. Should I call off the wedding?
—Alexandra, thirty-one, computer programmer
First, you have to ask yourself if your fantasies are a legitimate indication of ambivalence about your impending marriage. Is there something going on that you may not be admitting to yourself? The fact that you’re fantasizing about your fiancé’s brother could be your unconscious way of expressing doubt. It could also be a way of grappling with fears regarding your ability to sustain a long-term relationship through
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