focusing on a taboo with the propensity to destroy your marriage. But if you love your fiancé and feel good about the wedding and your emotional readiness to commit, your fantasy may be nothing more than a “forbidden thought”—it’s often the things we’re not supposed to think about that are the most alluring.
What’s more, trying not to think about it is a sure way to escalate the situation and make the thought even more intrusive. In the mid-1980s, a University of Virginia psychologist named Dr. Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., studied the mechanics of thought suppression in an experiment known infamously as the “White Bear Study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind, with one caveat: No matter what, don’t think about a white bear. Yet, no surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it. They couldn’t stop thinking about the bear, which led the researcher to conclude that by suppressing a forbidden thought, the brain never has an opportunity to process it fully.
So what can we take away from this? Don’t let your brother-in-law turn into the white bear. Give yourself permission to enjoy the fantasy, and more likely than not, it will pass. The fact that the fantasy bothers you and feels “out of control” leads me to believe it stems largely from a fear of losing or unconsciously jeopardizing a relationship you cherish, which either statistics or your own experiences imperil with tenuousness. Ultimately, it’s not the fantasy itself that needs to be examined, but your reaction to it and what those feelings of shame, guilt, and lack of control may be telling you. However, if you find yourself growing more and more genuinely attracted to your potential brother-in-law beyond the sexually taboo scenario, you should evaluate the vows you’re about to take. After all, sometimes a bear really is a bear, and it may be time for you to get the heck out of forest!
Guilt over “forbidden fantasies,” such as the one just described, represents one of the strongest antagonists to uninhibited sexual fantasy and expression. Such fantasies usually center on sexual behaviors that are deemed morally unacceptable or illicit. An example is the conflicted desire many men feel for anal stimulation, an innocent pleasure that some associate with homosexuality.
Or a fantasy may call into question a sense of political conviction. For example, a feminist may feel ambivalent about indulging in a rape fantasy even in private, feeling she is trivializing or, worse, endorsing violence against women. Cultural values and social mores often sit in diametric contrast to sexual desires, giving them their taboo status and appeal. For example, I meet lots of sensitive guys raised in the wake of feminism, who, much like their feminist counterparts, feel guilty about fantasies involving sexual domination. In the best of circumstances, fantasies can help us bridge the gap between our inner worlds and the world at large, allowing us to explore safely what me most desire and fear.
Normal, but Different
So what do men really fantasize about? From the racks of porn magazines and advertising eye candy, it would appear, at first look, that big busted babes enjoy a near monopoly on the male gaze. But it is important to remember that mass media is just that; it’s pandering to the lowest common denominator.
The fact that most heterosexual men may be turned on by these images does not mean that this is all, or even foremost, what they individually find erotic. Bluntly put, tits and ass sell. To put it in a more palatable context, if you are an ardent enthusiast of imported dark chocolate and you’re given a Twinkie, in the service of “one in the hand beats two in the bush” (pun very much intended), you may indulge your sweet tooth. But that doesn’t mean that that’s what you would want, given a relative
What’s more, trying not to think about it is a sure way to escalate the situation and make the thought even more intrusive. In the mid-1980s, a University of Virginia psychologist named Dr. Daniel Wegner, Ph.D., studied the mechanics of thought suppression in an experiment known infamously as the “White Bear Study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind, with one caveat: No matter what, don’t think about a white bear. Yet, no surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it. They couldn’t stop thinking about the bear, which led the researcher to conclude that by suppressing a forbidden thought, the brain never has an opportunity to process it fully.
So what can we take away from this? Don’t let your brother-in-law turn into the white bear. Give yourself permission to enjoy the fantasy, and more likely than not, it will pass. The fact that the fantasy bothers you and feels “out of control” leads me to believe it stems largely from a fear of losing or unconsciously jeopardizing a relationship you cherish, which either statistics or your own experiences imperil with tenuousness. Ultimately, it’s not the fantasy itself that needs to be examined, but your reaction to it and what those feelings of shame, guilt, and lack of control may be telling you. However, if you find yourself growing more and more genuinely attracted to your potential brother-in-law beyond the sexually taboo scenario, you should evaluate the vows you’re about to take. After all, sometimes a bear really is a bear, and it may be time for you to get the heck out of forest!
Guilt over “forbidden fantasies,” such as the one just described, represents one of the strongest antagonists to uninhibited sexual fantasy and expression. Such fantasies usually center on sexual behaviors that are deemed morally unacceptable or illicit. An example is the conflicted desire many men feel for anal stimulation, an innocent pleasure that some associate with homosexuality.
Or a fantasy may call into question a sense of political conviction. For example, a feminist may feel ambivalent about indulging in a rape fantasy even in private, feeling she is trivializing or, worse, endorsing violence against women. Cultural values and social mores often sit in diametric contrast to sexual desires, giving them their taboo status and appeal. For example, I meet lots of sensitive guys raised in the wake of feminism, who, much like their feminist counterparts, feel guilty about fantasies involving sexual domination. In the best of circumstances, fantasies can help us bridge the gap between our inner worlds and the world at large, allowing us to explore safely what me most desire and fear.
Normal, but Different
So what do men really fantasize about? From the racks of porn magazines and advertising eye candy, it would appear, at first look, that big busted babes enjoy a near monopoly on the male gaze. But it is important to remember that mass media is just that; it’s pandering to the lowest common denominator.
The fact that most heterosexual men may be turned on by these images does not mean that this is all, or even foremost, what they individually find erotic. Bluntly put, tits and ass sell. To put it in a more palatable context, if you are an ardent enthusiast of imported dark chocolate and you’re given a Twinkie, in the service of “one in the hand beats two in the bush” (pun very much intended), you may indulge your sweet tooth. But that doesn’t mean that that’s what you would want, given a relative
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