orgasms—an appetite that grows with each passing day and wants to be satisfied at regular intervals. Sure, there are times when one partner or the other is not able to have an orgasm due to fatigue, preoccupation, illness, etc. And yes, it’s possible to enjoy intercourse without an earth-shattering orgasm. But with a little extra care and attention (details in the next chapter), orgasms can be part of lovemaking for both partners almost all of the time, satisfying the 1 0 2
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t man’s and the woman’s emotional and biological needs as part of one conjugal act.
• Too difficult and not worth striving for. In 1990, the Kinsey Institute changed its position, declaring that simultaneous orgasms were not an important part of marital happiness—or even a desirable goal.
Why frustrate people, the Institute argued, when men can’t control their orgasms and women can’t either? Around the same time, Masters and Johnson wrote that a simultaneous orgasm is a lovely thing when it happens, but to try for it deliberately would be an “imposition of technique.” Lou Paget, a sex book author, has this advice for men: “So, gentlemen, do not feel inadequate if simultaneous orgasm is not part of your repertoire.”
• Too limiting. In his sexual autobiography, Richard Rhodes wrote: “Single-mindedly pursuing orgasm, particularly a will-o’-the-wisp like mutual simultaneous orgasms, narrow[s] and limit[s] pleasure.”
• A bad thing. Most recent sex literature is flat-out critical of the idea of simultaneous orgasms. Here is a sampler:
• Helen Singer Kaplan says “the myth of the mutual orgasm is the most destructive heterosexual myth in American society.”
• Stefan Betchell and his colleagues believe that striving to synchronize orgasms is a S i m u l t a n e o u s O r g a s m s : A r e T h e y Po s s i b l e ?
1 0 3
turn-off because it constantly pressures the woman to hurry up and the man to slow down.
• Michael Castleman says that trying to have orgasms together is like asking all the people at a banquet to eat their last bite at exactly the same moment.
• Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner approvingly quote a woman who said, “I wouldn’t want to orgasm when he does because then I would miss out on his.”
• Perhaps the most dismissive attack is in The Big Bang , a comprehensive sex advice book by Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey: “ How
to Achieve Simultaneous Orgasms During
Penetration Every Time: We have no idea.”
The critics of simultaneous orgasms have what seems like an airtight case. The challenge of simultaneous orgasms is similar to the difficulty of the “69” position—
fellatio and cunnilingus performed simultaneously. In
“69”, each person is stimulating the other’s genitals in a way that should produce an orgasm, but each is proceeding at a different pace, and both partners have to communicate (without being able to speak very easily!) and coordinate their timing (usually by slowing down the man’s pace) so they can reach orgasm at the same 1 0 4
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t moment. It’s easy for a
Despite occasional attempts
sixty-niner to get caught
to revive the idea, the prevail-
up in his or her own
ing wisdom in today’s sex
orgasm and stop stimu-
literature is that simultaneous
lating their partner—or
orgasms are neither possible
lose their own place while
nor desirable.
concentrating on pleasur-
ing their partner. The dif-
ficulty of getting the
timing right is the reason that “69” is talked about more than it’s practiced. Too complicated! Too much like juggling!
Achieving a simultaneous orgasm during penis-in-vagina intercourse would seem to pose equally daunting challenges:
• It’s not a simple matter to sensitively stimulate a woman’s clitoris during actual intercourse.
• It’s not easy for two people to synchronize the pacing; if the woman feels pressured to rush her orgasm and the man
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t man’s and the woman’s emotional and biological needs as part of one conjugal act.
• Too difficult and not worth striving for. In 1990, the Kinsey Institute changed its position, declaring that simultaneous orgasms were not an important part of marital happiness—or even a desirable goal.
Why frustrate people, the Institute argued, when men can’t control their orgasms and women can’t either? Around the same time, Masters and Johnson wrote that a simultaneous orgasm is a lovely thing when it happens, but to try for it deliberately would be an “imposition of technique.” Lou Paget, a sex book author, has this advice for men: “So, gentlemen, do not feel inadequate if simultaneous orgasm is not part of your repertoire.”
• Too limiting. In his sexual autobiography, Richard Rhodes wrote: “Single-mindedly pursuing orgasm, particularly a will-o’-the-wisp like mutual simultaneous orgasms, narrow[s] and limit[s] pleasure.”
• A bad thing. Most recent sex literature is flat-out critical of the idea of simultaneous orgasms. Here is a sampler:
• Helen Singer Kaplan says “the myth of the mutual orgasm is the most destructive heterosexual myth in American society.”
• Stefan Betchell and his colleagues believe that striving to synchronize orgasms is a S i m u l t a n e o u s O r g a s m s : A r e T h e y Po s s i b l e ?
1 0 3
turn-off because it constantly pressures the woman to hurry up and the man to slow down.
• Michael Castleman says that trying to have orgasms together is like asking all the people at a banquet to eat their last bite at exactly the same moment.
• Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner approvingly quote a woman who said, “I wouldn’t want to orgasm when he does because then I would miss out on his.”
• Perhaps the most dismissive attack is in The Big Bang , a comprehensive sex advice book by Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey: “ How
to Achieve Simultaneous Orgasms During
Penetration Every Time: We have no idea.”
The critics of simultaneous orgasms have what seems like an airtight case. The challenge of simultaneous orgasms is similar to the difficulty of the “69” position—
fellatio and cunnilingus performed simultaneously. In
“69”, each person is stimulating the other’s genitals in a way that should produce an orgasm, but each is proceeding at a different pace, and both partners have to communicate (without being able to speak very easily!) and coordinate their timing (usually by slowing down the man’s pace) so they can reach orgasm at the same 1 0 4
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t moment. It’s easy for a
Despite occasional attempts
sixty-niner to get caught
to revive the idea, the prevail-
up in his or her own
ing wisdom in today’s sex
orgasm and stop stimu-
literature is that simultaneous
lating their partner—or
orgasms are neither possible
lose their own place while
nor desirable.
concentrating on pleasur-
ing their partner. The dif-
ficulty of getting the
timing right is the reason that “69” is talked about more than it’s practiced. Too complicated! Too much like juggling!
Achieving a simultaneous orgasm during penis-in-vagina intercourse would seem to pose equally daunting challenges:
• It’s not a simple matter to sensitively stimulate a woman’s clitoris during actual intercourse.
• It’s not easy for two people to synchronize the pacing; if the woman feels pressured to rush her orgasm and the man
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