feels he must put on the brakes, intercourse is less enjoyable.
• It’s difficult to do two things at once—kind of like trying to rub your tummy and pat your head simultaneously.
• Because both the penis and the clitoris become very sensitive to touch right after orgasm, there is a narrow window of time (less than a minute) within S i m u l t a n e o u s O r g a s m s : A r e T h e y Po s s i b l e ?
1 0 5
which simultaneous orgasms must occur to get the full benefit; after that, most people don’t want their most sensitive spot touched for a while.
• The intensity of your partner’s orgasm can distract you from enjoying your own, and grooving on your own orgasm can distract you from enjoying your partner’s.
Because of these hurdles, it certainly seems that the idea of simultaneous orgasms during intercourse, once thought to be essential to procreation and the essence of successful lovemaking, is not a winner.
So as the difficulty of mutual orgasms during intercourse has sunk in over the years, and as women have increasingly spoken up about being shortchanged by intercourse (“Honey, you were great, but I haven’t come yet”), there’s been a grudging acceptance (at least by some) that penetration doesn’t produce female orgasms—and that simultaneous orgasms are virtually impossible.
If this is true, what are lovers who want to share sexual satisfaction during lovemaking supposed to do? The next chapter tackles this question head-on.
Chapter Six
Three Approaches to
Mutual Satisfaction
By trial and error and good communication, some couples have found their way to three quite different approaches to mutual satisfaction. Each has advantages and disadvantages, all require compromises from the conventional paradigm for intercourse, and none is perfect for everyone. But all three have the virtue of successfully clearing the hurdles to mutual gratification and giving both lovers orgasms
within a lovemaking
session. For the second
With little or no help from
and third approaches,
sex-advice literature, some
the orgasms can be vir-
couples have found their way
tually simultaneous.
to three effective techniques
This chapter describes
that allow both partners to
these approaches in
have orgasms during a love-
some detail.
making session.
1 0 8
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t 1. Separate Orgasms
The first approach seems obvious, yet is almost never mentioned explicitly in the historical or contemporary sex literature: the woman has her orgasm before or after the penis-in-vagina part of lovemaking. Couples who take this approach to mutual satisfaction have faced reality and defied the strong cultural expectation that female orgasms should happen during intercourse. They have created a new protocol for making love: first you, then me. With an ironic tip of the hat to the Civil Rights struggle, one commentator dubbed this the “separate but equal” approach to orgasms, giving it a contemporary ring, but it has almost certainly been used by some couples through the ages.
For some couples, having separate orgasms becomes a mainstay, and it can work wonderfully well. Each person is able to concentrate on the pleasure of his or her own orgasm and then revel vicariously in the partner’s orgasm (or orgasms) a few minutes later. In the words of one man who swears by this approach: I love—LOVE—to have an orgasm that is all my own. I also love having my wife come all on her own—and she loves it, too—in a way that is full of abandon and completely focused on her own pleasure, and on my making her pleasure.
T h r e e A p p r o a c h e s t o M u t u a l S a t i s f a c t i o n 1 0 9
For lovers who have separate orgasms, the man’s is usually—but not always—in his partner’s vagina. The woman’s orgasms can be triggered in a variety of ways—
oral stimulation (a favorite for some women but not for others), manual stimulation, vibrators, or other sex toys.
There’s an array of
• It’s difficult to do two things at once—kind of like trying to rub your tummy and pat your head simultaneously.
• Because both the penis and the clitoris become very sensitive to touch right after orgasm, there is a narrow window of time (less than a minute) within S i m u l t a n e o u s O r g a s m s : A r e T h e y Po s s i b l e ?
1 0 5
which simultaneous orgasms must occur to get the full benefit; after that, most people don’t want their most sensitive spot touched for a while.
• The intensity of your partner’s orgasm can distract you from enjoying your own, and grooving on your own orgasm can distract you from enjoying your partner’s.
Because of these hurdles, it certainly seems that the idea of simultaneous orgasms during intercourse, once thought to be essential to procreation and the essence of successful lovemaking, is not a winner.
So as the difficulty of mutual orgasms during intercourse has sunk in over the years, and as women have increasingly spoken up about being shortchanged by intercourse (“Honey, you were great, but I haven’t come yet”), there’s been a grudging acceptance (at least by some) that penetration doesn’t produce female orgasms—and that simultaneous orgasms are virtually impossible.
If this is true, what are lovers who want to share sexual satisfaction during lovemaking supposed to do? The next chapter tackles this question head-on.
Chapter Six
Three Approaches to
Mutual Satisfaction
By trial and error and good communication, some couples have found their way to three quite different approaches to mutual satisfaction. Each has advantages and disadvantages, all require compromises from the conventional paradigm for intercourse, and none is perfect for everyone. But all three have the virtue of successfully clearing the hurdles to mutual gratification and giving both lovers orgasms
within a lovemaking
session. For the second
With little or no help from
and third approaches,
sex-advice literature, some
the orgasms can be vir-
couples have found their way
tually simultaneous.
to three effective techniques
This chapter describes
that allow both partners to
these approaches in
have orgasms during a love-
some detail.
making session.
1 0 8
T h e G r e a t S e x S e c r e t 1. Separate Orgasms
The first approach seems obvious, yet is almost never mentioned explicitly in the historical or contemporary sex literature: the woman has her orgasm before or after the penis-in-vagina part of lovemaking. Couples who take this approach to mutual satisfaction have faced reality and defied the strong cultural expectation that female orgasms should happen during intercourse. They have created a new protocol for making love: first you, then me. With an ironic tip of the hat to the Civil Rights struggle, one commentator dubbed this the “separate but equal” approach to orgasms, giving it a contemporary ring, but it has almost certainly been used by some couples through the ages.
For some couples, having separate orgasms becomes a mainstay, and it can work wonderfully well. Each person is able to concentrate on the pleasure of his or her own orgasm and then revel vicariously in the partner’s orgasm (or orgasms) a few minutes later. In the words of one man who swears by this approach: I love—LOVE—to have an orgasm that is all my own. I also love having my wife come all on her own—and she loves it, too—in a way that is full of abandon and completely focused on her own pleasure, and on my making her pleasure.
T h r e e A p p r o a c h e s t o M u t u a l S a t i s f a c t i o n 1 0 9
For lovers who have separate orgasms, the man’s is usually—but not always—in his partner’s vagina. The woman’s orgasms can be triggered in a variety of ways—
oral stimulation (a favorite for some women but not for others), manual stimulation, vibrators, or other sex toys.
There’s an array of
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