compassion. Instead of exchanging petty crimes, abuses, ill treatment, and insults, consoling the person who has hurt you and letting them console you breathes new life into your relationship.
When you're angry at your spouse, instead of plotting revenge, try planning consolation.
Lighten Up
Newlyweds Clint and Liza were bickering daily, discovering that going around and around trying to be right can ruin a perfectly lovely day. “We're both very stubborn,” Liza admits, “and when we disagree even about the tiniest fact—like whether the upholstery is brown or tan, which side of the street to walk down, or who to vote for in the primary election— we can waste a whole day staying mad.” Clint agrees, “We correct each other over minutiae.”
Clint and Liza are discovering how many things there are to disagree about, and since they don't want to waste days arguing over the inconsequential, they've made a rule: “If we're getting mad, one of us says out loud, ‘Pickle's feet!’ and that changes our mood and the direction we're heading,” Liza said. “Yesterday he yelled at me three times, ‘Pickle's feet,’ and I yelled back, ‘Pickle's feet to you too!’ It's working because we're laughing instead of snarling.”
Every time you're caught up in nit-picking, say something nonsensical. Find a phrase that you both agree upon or a word that makes you laugh. That little ritual will make you more alert to the insidious habit of “making each other wrong” that's so injurious to love. Instead of assassinating each other's character, swallow hard and say something like, “Tickle, tickle” or “Puff, puff, puff.”
Words have the power to provoke. A careless phrase can shatter your beloved's self-esteem and leave your relationship in shreds. “It's your fault,” “You can't do that!” “You're wrong,” “You can't do anything right,” “Shut up!” “You don't know what you're talking about” are tiny bombs that have lasting impact.
Finding a common language for discussing hurt and anger changes the chemistry between you. “I want to understand,” or “I see what you mean,” or “I never looked at it that way,” or “You might be right” are soothing phrases that turn the toxic energy from bitter to sweet.
When you no longer insist on being right, it's an indication that you're growing up. Then you can disagree without nasty words, you can agree to disagree, you can feel angry without hurting each other, you can have a fight without being mean.
Move to Easy Street
One of the first homework assignments that I give couples who are full of anger and fighting is, Move to Easy Street for a Day. Walk easy, talk easy, think easy; let anger come and go. Sometimes we get angry because we push ourselves to do more, we compare ourselves to others, we strive for perfection. On Easy Street, we stop comparing ourselves and we deliberately slow way down.
On Easy Street people still get angry, but they let anger point the way to a deeper part of themselves. They take charge of the anger by identifying the fears underneath. Instead of letting the anger handle them, they recognize their own emotions but don't allow the emotions to rule. No person is without anger and no relationship is without conflict, but on Easy Street you don't blow it out of proportion and act as if the end has come.
A productive, easy fight is one in which you learn something new about each other, gain a new insight into yourself, or discover a more creative solution. It's telling each other in a kind way how you feel: “I felt unloved when you forgot our anniversary,” or “I feel as if you don't appreciate what I do.” It's admitting, “I goofed,” and saying, “You right, that was thoughtless of me,” without being overly hard on yourself. It's making amends: “How can I make it up to you?” It's kissing, hugging, and making up.
On Easy Street anger and conflicts are handled with care. Quarrels and differences of
When you're angry at your spouse, instead of plotting revenge, try planning consolation.
Lighten Up
Newlyweds Clint and Liza were bickering daily, discovering that going around and around trying to be right can ruin a perfectly lovely day. “We're both very stubborn,” Liza admits, “and when we disagree even about the tiniest fact—like whether the upholstery is brown or tan, which side of the street to walk down, or who to vote for in the primary election— we can waste a whole day staying mad.” Clint agrees, “We correct each other over minutiae.”
Clint and Liza are discovering how many things there are to disagree about, and since they don't want to waste days arguing over the inconsequential, they've made a rule: “If we're getting mad, one of us says out loud, ‘Pickle's feet!’ and that changes our mood and the direction we're heading,” Liza said. “Yesterday he yelled at me three times, ‘Pickle's feet,’ and I yelled back, ‘Pickle's feet to you too!’ It's working because we're laughing instead of snarling.”
Every time you're caught up in nit-picking, say something nonsensical. Find a phrase that you both agree upon or a word that makes you laugh. That little ritual will make you more alert to the insidious habit of “making each other wrong” that's so injurious to love. Instead of assassinating each other's character, swallow hard and say something like, “Tickle, tickle” or “Puff, puff, puff.”
Words have the power to provoke. A careless phrase can shatter your beloved's self-esteem and leave your relationship in shreds. “It's your fault,” “You can't do that!” “You're wrong,” “You can't do anything right,” “Shut up!” “You don't know what you're talking about” are tiny bombs that have lasting impact.
Finding a common language for discussing hurt and anger changes the chemistry between you. “I want to understand,” or “I see what you mean,” or “I never looked at it that way,” or “You might be right” are soothing phrases that turn the toxic energy from bitter to sweet.
When you no longer insist on being right, it's an indication that you're growing up. Then you can disagree without nasty words, you can agree to disagree, you can feel angry without hurting each other, you can have a fight without being mean.
Move to Easy Street
One of the first homework assignments that I give couples who are full of anger and fighting is, Move to Easy Street for a Day. Walk easy, talk easy, think easy; let anger come and go. Sometimes we get angry because we push ourselves to do more, we compare ourselves to others, we strive for perfection. On Easy Street, we stop comparing ourselves and we deliberately slow way down.
On Easy Street people still get angry, but they let anger point the way to a deeper part of themselves. They take charge of the anger by identifying the fears underneath. Instead of letting the anger handle them, they recognize their own emotions but don't allow the emotions to rule. No person is without anger and no relationship is without conflict, but on Easy Street you don't blow it out of proportion and act as if the end has come.
A productive, easy fight is one in which you learn something new about each other, gain a new insight into yourself, or discover a more creative solution. It's telling each other in a kind way how you feel: “I felt unloved when you forgot our anniversary,” or “I feel as if you don't appreciate what I do.” It's admitting, “I goofed,” and saying, “You right, that was thoughtless of me,” without being overly hard on yourself. It's making amends: “How can I make it up to you?” It's kissing, hugging, and making up.
On Easy Street anger and conflicts are handled with care. Quarrels and differences of
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