opinions don't upset the entire day, don't spoil the mood. Learning to use anger to clarify your relationship is a slow and gentle process. It's knowing what you're upset about, listening, negotiating, apologizing, and making up. On Easy Street you go easy on yourself and your sweetie.
I think that the Almighty wants our relationships to be easy. Certainly easier then they are when we're waging a free-for-all. Remember, anger gives you information about yourself. On Easy Street, anger isn't used as a club.
Each time you stop yourself from lashing out, when you treat your partner as you would like to be treated, you transcend your human tendencies.
Turn Arguments into Intimate Dialogue
Anger gives us the opportunity to have an intimate dialogue. It isn't only good feelings that lead to closeness, but rather being able to talk about a wide range of human emotions and experiences.
Anger is a surface feeling. It never comes by itself; other feelings— -hurt, fear, jealousy—accompany it. Beneath the surface of anger is hurt, followed by fear and backed up by love. For example, Lisa is angry at her husband, Mark, who locked himself in his home office all day after he'd promised to take her and the kids to the movies. She's angry at him for going back on his word; she's hurt and disappointed by his behavior; she loves him and appreciates how hard he works supporting his family, but she's afraid that his workaholism is becoming a pattern.
Some couples make the mistake of only hashing out the anger without talking about the feelings that accompany it. By leaving out the hurt, fear, and love, they rob themselves of an intimate dialogue. I like to think of intimacy as “In-to-me-see,” which means letting your partner see you at your deepest and most honest core, revealing all that you're experiencing. If you only express the surface anger, you miss the opportunity to deepen the understanding and bond between you.
To have an intimate dialogue and process your anger, try using this five-step blueprint:
Acknowledge the anger: “I'm angry that you didn't take us to the movies as you had promised.”
Acknowledge the hurt: “I'm disappointed because I really enjoy our time together, and I'm hurt; I'm feeling neglected.”
Acknowledge the fear: “I'm afraid that your work is coming between us and interfering with family time. I worried that you're not taking care of yourself.”
Acknowledge the love: “I appreciate how hard you work to support our family financially.”
Acknowledge your part: “I'm sorry that I yelled.”
How do you arrive at intimate dialogue? By wanting to. By recognizing that you are capable of it. Even if you've never done it before, you can learn to do it. Expressing anger, hurt, and fear without harming yourself or others is a healing process that leads to greater intimacy and compassion for each other.
When we're angry, we often put on a mask and act as if we don't care.Intimate dialogue is taking off the “I don't care mask” and letting your mate know that you do care. Because even when you're angry with them, you do care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry in the first place.
What is intimate dialogue? Lovers can disagree, argue, and get mad, and the love can still be there. A lovers' quarrel doesn't have to be the end of the world.
Use Magical Phrases
When feelings are running high, when you're exhausted and the frustration level is at a roaring boil, instead of hurling insults, offer some gracious phrases to infuse your relationship with respect. Since you don't want to hurt each other, remember that grievances are resolved more easily when you're respectful. When you're respectful, you bring assurance that it's safe to be vulnerable and open your heart. When you're sure that he doesn't love you anymore, when you've asked her a thousand times not to call you names, before you threaten to get a divorce, before you wage a belligerent counterattack, before you sink to the lowest level,
I think that the Almighty wants our relationships to be easy. Certainly easier then they are when we're waging a free-for-all. Remember, anger gives you information about yourself. On Easy Street, anger isn't used as a club.
Each time you stop yourself from lashing out, when you treat your partner as you would like to be treated, you transcend your human tendencies.
Turn Arguments into Intimate Dialogue
Anger gives us the opportunity to have an intimate dialogue. It isn't only good feelings that lead to closeness, but rather being able to talk about a wide range of human emotions and experiences.
Anger is a surface feeling. It never comes by itself; other feelings— -hurt, fear, jealousy—accompany it. Beneath the surface of anger is hurt, followed by fear and backed up by love. For example, Lisa is angry at her husband, Mark, who locked himself in his home office all day after he'd promised to take her and the kids to the movies. She's angry at him for going back on his word; she's hurt and disappointed by his behavior; she loves him and appreciates how hard he works supporting his family, but she's afraid that his workaholism is becoming a pattern.
Some couples make the mistake of only hashing out the anger without talking about the feelings that accompany it. By leaving out the hurt, fear, and love, they rob themselves of an intimate dialogue. I like to think of intimacy as “In-to-me-see,” which means letting your partner see you at your deepest and most honest core, revealing all that you're experiencing. If you only express the surface anger, you miss the opportunity to deepen the understanding and bond between you.
To have an intimate dialogue and process your anger, try using this five-step blueprint:
Acknowledge the anger: “I'm angry that you didn't take us to the movies as you had promised.”
Acknowledge the hurt: “I'm disappointed because I really enjoy our time together, and I'm hurt; I'm feeling neglected.”
Acknowledge the fear: “I'm afraid that your work is coming between us and interfering with family time. I worried that you're not taking care of yourself.”
Acknowledge the love: “I appreciate how hard you work to support our family financially.”
Acknowledge your part: “I'm sorry that I yelled.”
How do you arrive at intimate dialogue? By wanting to. By recognizing that you are capable of it. Even if you've never done it before, you can learn to do it. Expressing anger, hurt, and fear without harming yourself or others is a healing process that leads to greater intimacy and compassion for each other.
When we're angry, we often put on a mask and act as if we don't care.Intimate dialogue is taking off the “I don't care mask” and letting your mate know that you do care. Because even when you're angry with them, you do care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be angry in the first place.
What is intimate dialogue? Lovers can disagree, argue, and get mad, and the love can still be there. A lovers' quarrel doesn't have to be the end of the world.
Use Magical Phrases
When feelings are running high, when you're exhausted and the frustration level is at a roaring boil, instead of hurling insults, offer some gracious phrases to infuse your relationship with respect. Since you don't want to hurt each other, remember that grievances are resolved more easily when you're respectful. When you're respectful, you bring assurance that it's safe to be vulnerable and open your heart. When you're sure that he doesn't love you anymore, when you've asked her a thousand times not to call you names, before you threaten to get a divorce, before you wage a belligerent counterattack, before you sink to the lowest level,
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