try these magical phrases. These expressions implicitly let your mate know that even though you're angry, the respect that you have for each other makes it safe to disagree.
“Honey, I have a complaint/concern/disagreement/upset/annoyance, and I would like to talk with you when you have time to listen.”
“I'm concerned about some things; can we set aside a time that's convenient for both of us so that we can talk things over?”
“I want to give you my undivided attention. Can we schedule a time so that I can listen fully?”
“I appreciate that you're willing to sit with me and listen to my concern. Thank you.”
“I'm not asking you to solve this problem. Right now I'd just like you to listen and give me your attention.”
“Is there anything else you would like me to know?”
“What would you like me to do?”
“I'll think that over and get back to you on. . . .” (Be specific.)
“Would you think about what you'd be willing to do to solve this situation? I'll think about some solutions too.”
“Let's get back together later in the week to continue our discussion.”
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention.”
“Thank you for giving me your attention.”
“Together we can find a solution; we'll figure it out together.”
It's not the end of the world if you get angry and argue; it goes with being together, with being intimate, with loving one another. It's what you do when you're mad that makes the difference. You can get very angry at each other and still appreciate the fact that you both want things to get better, to go smoother. The point is not to stop disagreeing, but to disagree and welcome the opportunity to figure out a brilliant solution.
If you stop talking to your partner because you're mad, you will probably be very lonely. If you negotiate your differences, you will probably have more company.
Experience the Contentment of Letting Go
Wives (and husbands) come to me and ask, “What can I do? My husband (wife) doesn't want to change—he (she) doesn't even want to hear about any of my concerns.” This is a tough situation. I don't know what they can do, and I freely admit it.
But then I say that incredible changes are sometimes possible in one spouse if there is a significant change in the other. If a wife lets go of her ideas of how things ought to be, a husband will pick up on that and eventually respond. When she isn't being pulled hither and thither, when he neither whines nor pleads, when she frees herself from codependency, when he isn't being pressured, something unforeseen can happen. Sometimes, a result that you ardently desired but couldn't achieve emerges seemingly by itself, except it's even better. There is contentment in letting go. When we let go of our fixed ideas, the world changes. When we let go we feel better, more at ease.
Anger tends to pull us away from the person we want to be close to. To avoid this, we sometimes blind ourselves to what's going on. We relate to what we want to see, not to reality. This keeps us even more distant. It's in accepting our feelings, talking our differences over honestly, that we really get close.
This kind of fighting can sometimes enhance love. With self-assertion and good honest fighting, you get closer, you become more loving. You make love more often. And with some practice, fighting ceases to be something terrible. You get to a point where you can laugh about your fighting just as much as you can laugh about your lovemaking. Then it's just something you do that adds a little spice.
Letting go of one's expectations of a partner can lead to remarkable changes in a relationship.
Set Each Other Straight
My friend Jay called me up the other day and said, “I'm concerned about something. Can we talk about it?” A couple weeks earlier I'd said the very same thing to him. It's simple. We're annoyed and we say so. Then we sort out our differences, fight for our needs, and set each other straight. He's
“Honey, I have a complaint/concern/disagreement/upset/annoyance, and I would like to talk with you when you have time to listen.”
“I'm concerned about some things; can we set aside a time that's convenient for both of us so that we can talk things over?”
“I want to give you my undivided attention. Can we schedule a time so that I can listen fully?”
“I appreciate that you're willing to sit with me and listen to my concern. Thank you.”
“I'm not asking you to solve this problem. Right now I'd just like you to listen and give me your attention.”
“Is there anything else you would like me to know?”
“What would you like me to do?”
“I'll think that over and get back to you on. . . .” (Be specific.)
“Would you think about what you'd be willing to do to solve this situation? I'll think about some solutions too.”
“Let's get back together later in the week to continue our discussion.”
“Thank you for bringing this to my attention.”
“Thank you for giving me your attention.”
“Together we can find a solution; we'll figure it out together.”
It's not the end of the world if you get angry and argue; it goes with being together, with being intimate, with loving one another. It's what you do when you're mad that makes the difference. You can get very angry at each other and still appreciate the fact that you both want things to get better, to go smoother. The point is not to stop disagreeing, but to disagree and welcome the opportunity to figure out a brilliant solution.
If you stop talking to your partner because you're mad, you will probably be very lonely. If you negotiate your differences, you will probably have more company.
Experience the Contentment of Letting Go
Wives (and husbands) come to me and ask, “What can I do? My husband (wife) doesn't want to change—he (she) doesn't even want to hear about any of my concerns.” This is a tough situation. I don't know what they can do, and I freely admit it.
But then I say that incredible changes are sometimes possible in one spouse if there is a significant change in the other. If a wife lets go of her ideas of how things ought to be, a husband will pick up on that and eventually respond. When she isn't being pulled hither and thither, when he neither whines nor pleads, when she frees herself from codependency, when he isn't being pressured, something unforeseen can happen. Sometimes, a result that you ardently desired but couldn't achieve emerges seemingly by itself, except it's even better. There is contentment in letting go. When we let go of our fixed ideas, the world changes. When we let go we feel better, more at ease.
Anger tends to pull us away from the person we want to be close to. To avoid this, we sometimes blind ourselves to what's going on. We relate to what we want to see, not to reality. This keeps us even more distant. It's in accepting our feelings, talking our differences over honestly, that we really get close.
This kind of fighting can sometimes enhance love. With self-assertion and good honest fighting, you get closer, you become more loving. You make love more often. And with some practice, fighting ceases to be something terrible. You get to a point where you can laugh about your fighting just as much as you can laugh about your lovemaking. Then it's just something you do that adds a little spice.
Letting go of one's expectations of a partner can lead to remarkable changes in a relationship.
Set Each Other Straight
My friend Jay called me up the other day and said, “I'm concerned about something. Can we talk about it?” A couple weeks earlier I'd said the very same thing to him. It's simple. We're annoyed and we say so. Then we sort out our differences, fight for our needs, and set each other straight. He's
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