never even had to do research. A scientist just tasted granola: “Oh this must be good for you, since it tastes like it should be on the bottom of a fish tank.”
Because of the fact that granola has the same consistency as ground-up animal teeth, the granola “bar” was developed. It could be that some granola-health-inspired entrepreneur named Bob had the following experience.
BOB: Hey, kids are eating candy bars, right? All we have to do is shape granola like a candy bar and then kids will eat the granola. They’ll be eating something healthy and not even know it. Idiots. Ha, ha, ha.
Then a week later his director of operations came in.
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS: Uh, Bob, kids are not eating those granola bars.
BOB: Well, all we have to do is put chocolate chips in the granola bars. The kids will be eating healthy and not even know it. Idiots. Ha, ha, ha.
Then a week later his director of operations came in again.
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS: Uh, Bob, kids are now picking the chocolate chips out of those granola bars and tossing the granola.
BOB: All we have to do is cover the granola bar in chocolate and caramel. Fill it with nougat and get rid of the freaking granola! Do I have to tell you how to do everything?
That man’s name was Bob Kudos. Whenever I eat a Kudos bar, my next thought is, “Well, I might as well finish off the whole box. If I’m going to eat healthy, I’m going to eat really healthy.”
Kale
We want to eat healthy to feel better, but what we truly desire is to increase our life spans. We all want to live longer, but how much longer? You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?
Ten years ago nobody ate kale. Then someone (probably a kale farmer or Satan) discovered that kale had some health benefits, and off kale went. Now we are in the middle of a full-fledged kale trend or, as I call it, a kale epidemic. There are kale chips, kale shakes, and even kale salads. I don’t know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a “double negative.” Kale is a superfood, and its special power is tasting bad. If tasting horrible is an indication of something being healthy, kale is the healthiest thing out there. Kale tasteslike bug spray. Once I looked at a can of bug spray, and printed right there on the can was “Made with real kale.” The mantra of the kale lobby is “Kale is so good for you. Kale is so good for you.” So is jogging, but I’m not going to do that either. I’m not against things that are healthy. Well, not in principle. My issue with kale is a simple one. Kale is not edible. It is amazing the lengths we will go to in order to be able to stomach kale: “All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne pepper, put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground.” It doesn’t matter what you do to kale: it still tastes like bitter spinach with hair. I suppose some people don’t care what it tastes like. “Kale is so good for you.” As for me, taste is too important. They could find out kale cures cancer and I’d say, “No thanks, I think I’ll just do the chemo. I’ve tried the kale.” I guess the thing I can’t stand the most about the kale trend is the bragging that is associated with eating it. People seem to bring up eating kale as if it’s something that’s going to impress me.
GUY: I just ate kale.
ME: I don’t care.
Announcing you ate kale is like the bringing-up-the-SAT-score of vegetables. Nobody asks, but annoying people find a way to work it into a conversation. Haven’t we evolved as a species so we would no longer have to eat things like kale? I’m sure that cavemen thousands of years ago were grunting in a field, “One day, son, we no longer forage for weeds. There be long metal fire sticks for me to kill big beast, and then me eat porterhouse
Because of the fact that granola has the same consistency as ground-up animal teeth, the granola “bar” was developed. It could be that some granola-health-inspired entrepreneur named Bob had the following experience.
BOB: Hey, kids are eating candy bars, right? All we have to do is shape granola like a candy bar and then kids will eat the granola. They’ll be eating something healthy and not even know it. Idiots. Ha, ha, ha.
Then a week later his director of operations came in.
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS: Uh, Bob, kids are not eating those granola bars.
BOB: Well, all we have to do is put chocolate chips in the granola bars. The kids will be eating healthy and not even know it. Idiots. Ha, ha, ha.
Then a week later his director of operations came in again.
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS: Uh, Bob, kids are now picking the chocolate chips out of those granola bars and tossing the granola.
BOB: All we have to do is cover the granola bar in chocolate and caramel. Fill it with nougat and get rid of the freaking granola! Do I have to tell you how to do everything?
That man’s name was Bob Kudos. Whenever I eat a Kudos bar, my next thought is, “Well, I might as well finish off the whole box. If I’m going to eat healthy, I’m going to eat really healthy.”
Kale
We want to eat healthy to feel better, but what we truly desire is to increase our life spans. We all want to live longer, but how much longer? You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?
Ten years ago nobody ate kale. Then someone (probably a kale farmer or Satan) discovered that kale had some health benefits, and off kale went. Now we are in the middle of a full-fledged kale trend or, as I call it, a kale epidemic. There are kale chips, kale shakes, and even kale salads. I don’t know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a “double negative.” Kale is a superfood, and its special power is tasting bad. If tasting horrible is an indication of something being healthy, kale is the healthiest thing out there. Kale tasteslike bug spray. Once I looked at a can of bug spray, and printed right there on the can was “Made with real kale.” The mantra of the kale lobby is “Kale is so good for you. Kale is so good for you.” So is jogging, but I’m not going to do that either. I’m not against things that are healthy. Well, not in principle. My issue with kale is a simple one. Kale is not edible. It is amazing the lengths we will go to in order to be able to stomach kale: “All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne pepper, put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground.” It doesn’t matter what you do to kale: it still tastes like bitter spinach with hair. I suppose some people don’t care what it tastes like. “Kale is so good for you.” As for me, taste is too important. They could find out kale cures cancer and I’d say, “No thanks, I think I’ll just do the chemo. I’ve tried the kale.” I guess the thing I can’t stand the most about the kale trend is the bragging that is associated with eating it. People seem to bring up eating kale as if it’s something that’s going to impress me.
GUY: I just ate kale.
ME: I don’t care.
Announcing you ate kale is like the bringing-up-the-SAT-score of vegetables. Nobody asks, but annoying people find a way to work it into a conversation. Haven’t we evolved as a species so we would no longer have to eat things like kale? I’m sure that cavemen thousands of years ago were grunting in a field, “One day, son, we no longer forage for weeds. There be long metal fire sticks for me to kill big beast, and then me eat porterhouse
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