steaks and me no longer sound like Cookie Monster. NUM NUM NUM .” Recently at a school event for parents, one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup. Being a fan of free food, I grabbed a bowl, tasted it, and did the obligatory “This is great!” The soup mom then saidwith a big condescending smile on her face, “I snuck some kale in there.” I nodded politely, but I felt like throwing my bowl at her. This soup mom was trying to impress me with a plant trend that will likely have the life span of a fruit fly. Well, one can only hope.
Whole Foods
If there is one main source of health food propaganda that exists today, it is Whole Foods. Our local Whole Foods store even sells T-shirts that have kale printed on them. I suppose this does help us identify people nobody wants to talk to. It seems that they are just bored at Whole Foods. “All right, what else can we sell these half-wits? Just hand me a plant. Not that one. That’s poison ivy. Wait … can we make milk out of that? Just grab the other green plant thing, say it’s healthy, and charge fifty bucks for it.” If you are someone who shops for healthy food in a large metropolitan area, you probably spend all your money at Whole Foods, or “Whole Paycheck,” as it has become known. They should just have a garbage can at the entrance of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet positioned over it. “How many items do I get? Two? I’ll get the grapes for five hundred, and, Alex, I’ll have the loaf of bread made of wood for ten. I’ll put the rest on my Amazon wish list.” I think the business idea was “It’s like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing.” If you’ve ever looked at your receipt upon leaving Whole Foods, you’ve thought to yourself, Wow, I’m really not good at managing money. Unfortunately, you only remember how expensive Whole Foods is when you get there. “These prices are ridiculous … oh, I’m too lazy to go to another store.” You win again, Whole Foods. You win again.
MORE WATERY WATER
Two-thirds of this planet that we call Earth is made up of water. Well, that’s what I’ve always been told and seen in photos. I think that’s what all that blue is on the globe. I’ve never personally checked if it’s all actually water. The Indian Ocean could be filled with blue Jell-O and I really wouldn’t know. Anyway, my point is, we got a whole lotta water on dis here planet. Not all of the water is potable, whatever that means. We all know that access to drinkable water is a very serious issue in many parts of the world. Luckily, in most parts of the United States we have clean, drinkable water available from just about every faucet. Yet we all buy bottled water because tap water, we have been told by the bottled-water folks, is scary. These anti-tap-water people act as if bottled water didn’t at one point come from a tap. It’s not like there was some French guy next to a stream individually filling bottles. “Le one, le two … Jean-Paul, hand me another bottle … le three.” In my scenario, the French guys don’t speak French very well. Anyway, how did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.
PIERRE: How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
JEAN: Pierre, the Americans are pretty dumb, but they’re not going to buy water.
PIERRE: Oh, yes they are. Let’s just tell them the water is from France. They took that enormous lady statue from us, didn’t they?
And we bought it. Evian is even naive spelled backward. I don’t know if you were like me, but when they first introduced bottled water I thought it was so funny. Bottled water? They’re selling bottled water?! Well, I guess I’ll try it … This is good! This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it. For some reason they have nutritional facts printed on the side of the bottle of water. I’m no
Whole Foods
If there is one main source of health food propaganda that exists today, it is Whole Foods. Our local Whole Foods store even sells T-shirts that have kale printed on them. I suppose this does help us identify people nobody wants to talk to. It seems that they are just bored at Whole Foods. “All right, what else can we sell these half-wits? Just hand me a plant. Not that one. That’s poison ivy. Wait … can we make milk out of that? Just grab the other green plant thing, say it’s healthy, and charge fifty bucks for it.” If you are someone who shops for healthy food in a large metropolitan area, you probably spend all your money at Whole Foods, or “Whole Paycheck,” as it has become known. They should just have a garbage can at the entrance of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet positioned over it. “How many items do I get? Two? I’ll get the grapes for five hundred, and, Alex, I’ll have the loaf of bread made of wood for ten. I’ll put the rest on my Amazon wish list.” I think the business idea was “It’s like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing.” If you’ve ever looked at your receipt upon leaving Whole Foods, you’ve thought to yourself, Wow, I’m really not good at managing money. Unfortunately, you only remember how expensive Whole Foods is when you get there. “These prices are ridiculous … oh, I’m too lazy to go to another store.” You win again, Whole Foods. You win again.
MORE WATERY WATER
Two-thirds of this planet that we call Earth is made up of water. Well, that’s what I’ve always been told and seen in photos. I think that’s what all that blue is on the globe. I’ve never personally checked if it’s all actually water. The Indian Ocean could be filled with blue Jell-O and I really wouldn’t know. Anyway, my point is, we got a whole lotta water on dis here planet. Not all of the water is potable, whatever that means. We all know that access to drinkable water is a very serious issue in many parts of the world. Luckily, in most parts of the United States we have clean, drinkable water available from just about every faucet. Yet we all buy bottled water because tap water, we have been told by the bottled-water folks, is scary. These anti-tap-water people act as if bottled water didn’t at one point come from a tap. It’s not like there was some French guy next to a stream individually filling bottles. “Le one, le two … Jean-Paul, hand me another bottle … le three.” In my scenario, the French guys don’t speak French very well. Anyway, how did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.
PIERRE: How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
JEAN: Pierre, the Americans are pretty dumb, but they’re not going to buy water.
PIERRE: Oh, yes they are. Let’s just tell them the water is from France. They took that enormous lady statue from us, didn’t they?
And we bought it. Evian is even naive spelled backward. I don’t know if you were like me, but when they first introduced bottled water I thought it was so funny. Bottled water? They’re selling bottled water?! Well, I guess I’ll try it … This is good! This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it. For some reason they have nutritional facts printed on the side of the bottle of water. I’m no
Similar Books
