chemist, but I’ve got a rough idea of what’s in water. I kind of expect to turn the bottle and see a recipe printed on there. “Oh, that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. ( reading ) Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they get you. They probably want you to buy their tray. That’s how they get you.”
For some reason bottled water from another country is more appealing.
“Oooh, Norwegian water! They got better water than us. They’ve been drinking water a lot longer than we have. They are better at it.” The Norwegians have a special relationship with water. They ski on it.
We need water. Seventy percent of our body is made up of water. Well, I think. I don’t have time to do research about water. The fact is that water is important. We know we should drink tons of water every day. Like six glasses or something. As a result, we are searching for ways to make water more palatable. Flavored waters are everywhere. The most popular is VitaminWater, which is basically adult Kool-Aid. “I know it’sthree bucks a bottle, but this Kool-Aid water has vitamins in it. I’m saving so much money on vitamins!” Supposedly coconut water is like nature’s Gatorade. I’m not sure what the difference is between coconut water and spoiled water. Coconut water, which I think is water from a coconut, has surged in popularity. One time while in Jamaica I witnessed a coconut being sliced open and then I drank the one ounce of coconut water. So there have to be at least twelve coconuts used to make one twelve-ounce bottle of coconut water. That’s a lot of coconuts to use to get something that tastes that bad.
Recently I tried Smartwater, which has electrolytes in it, and it’s supposed to replenish your body better than regular bottled water, therefore making you, I guess, smarter. I tried it, and it totally worked. I am now much smarter. Now I only drink tap water.
SOMETHING’S FISHY
It is probably no surprise to you that I’m not a huge fish-eater, mostly because fish is disgusting. I really wish I could be that guy at the restaurant who looks over the menu and decides, “Well, I rarely get to go out to dinner, but instead of getting a delicious steak I’m going to order the fish, because I like nasty-tasting things.” How bored are you with eating if you are ordering the fish? “You know what, just bring me something gross. I like to waste money.” I’m not even sure how we are supposed to tell when fish goes bad. It smells like fish either way. “Well, this smells like a dumpster … let’s eat it.” I don’t think fish even like fish. That is why fish are always frowning. “What’s that smell? Oh, that’s me. I’m a fish. Ugh.”
Jeannie is a devout Catholic, so during Lent we eat fish on Fridays, which is meant to symbolize the suffering of Jesus on the cross. What? This means at some point some people had the following conversation:
GUY 1: How should we honor the suffering of Jesus on the cross?
GUY 2: Well, we could fast. We could starve ourselves.
GUY 1: No, that’s too easy. What if we ate fish?
GUY 2: I’d rather be crucified.
I recognize that many people enjoy fish and that fish is good for you. However, at times it feels like there is an elaborate fish publicity machine at work. “Fish is so good for you. Fish cures cancer. Fish captured two members of al-Qaeda.” Well, it still smells like a dumpster. This fish lobby seems so passionate, I’m usually hesitant to express my dislike of fish. I often feel like when I do, I’m treated as someone who doesn’t know how to read. “You don’t like fish? I could teach you. You could take night classes!”
I sometimes think no one really likes fish. They just won’t admit it. Occasionally you’ll hear someone say, “I like fish just as long as it doesn’t taste like fish.” I have news for those people: you don’t like fish because I’m almost positive fish is supposed to taste like fish because,
For some reason bottled water from another country is more appealing.
“Oooh, Norwegian water! They got better water than us. They’ve been drinking water a lot longer than we have. They are better at it.” The Norwegians have a special relationship with water. They ski on it.
We need water. Seventy percent of our body is made up of water. Well, I think. I don’t have time to do research about water. The fact is that water is important. We know we should drink tons of water every day. Like six glasses or something. As a result, we are searching for ways to make water more palatable. Flavored waters are everywhere. The most popular is VitaminWater, which is basically adult Kool-Aid. “I know it’sthree bucks a bottle, but this Kool-Aid water has vitamins in it. I’m saving so much money on vitamins!” Supposedly coconut water is like nature’s Gatorade. I’m not sure what the difference is between coconut water and spoiled water. Coconut water, which I think is water from a coconut, has surged in popularity. One time while in Jamaica I witnessed a coconut being sliced open and then I drank the one ounce of coconut water. So there have to be at least twelve coconuts used to make one twelve-ounce bottle of coconut water. That’s a lot of coconuts to use to get something that tastes that bad.
Recently I tried Smartwater, which has electrolytes in it, and it’s supposed to replenish your body better than regular bottled water, therefore making you, I guess, smarter. I tried it, and it totally worked. I am now much smarter. Now I only drink tap water.
SOMETHING’S FISHY
It is probably no surprise to you that I’m not a huge fish-eater, mostly because fish is disgusting. I really wish I could be that guy at the restaurant who looks over the menu and decides, “Well, I rarely get to go out to dinner, but instead of getting a delicious steak I’m going to order the fish, because I like nasty-tasting things.” How bored are you with eating if you are ordering the fish? “You know what, just bring me something gross. I like to waste money.” I’m not even sure how we are supposed to tell when fish goes bad. It smells like fish either way. “Well, this smells like a dumpster … let’s eat it.” I don’t think fish even like fish. That is why fish are always frowning. “What’s that smell? Oh, that’s me. I’m a fish. Ugh.”
Jeannie is a devout Catholic, so during Lent we eat fish on Fridays, which is meant to symbolize the suffering of Jesus on the cross. What? This means at some point some people had the following conversation:
GUY 1: How should we honor the suffering of Jesus on the cross?
GUY 2: Well, we could fast. We could starve ourselves.
GUY 1: No, that’s too easy. What if we ate fish?
GUY 2: I’d rather be crucified.
I recognize that many people enjoy fish and that fish is good for you. However, at times it feels like there is an elaborate fish publicity machine at work. “Fish is so good for you. Fish cures cancer. Fish captured two members of al-Qaeda.” Well, it still smells like a dumpster. This fish lobby seems so passionate, I’m usually hesitant to express my dislike of fish. I often feel like when I do, I’m treated as someone who doesn’t know how to read. “You don’t like fish? I could teach you. You could take night classes!”
I sometimes think no one really likes fish. They just won’t admit it. Occasionally you’ll hear someone say, “I like fish just as long as it doesn’t taste like fish.” I have news for those people: you don’t like fish because I’m almost positive fish is supposed to taste like fish because,
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