be abusive parents who are always punishing, hitting—you read about them in the papers. Their children end up battered. That could certainly be a bad mother.
D AVID:
There are parents who resort to abusive behavior, that’s true. And these individuals could improve their behavior, which might make them feel better about themselves and their children. But it’s not realistic to say that such parents are constantly doing abusing or damaging things, and it’s not going to help matters by attaching the label “bad” to them. Such individuals do have a problem with aggression and need training in self-control, but it would only make matters worse if you tried to convince them thattheir problem was badness. They usually already believe they are rotten human beings, and that is part of their problem. Labeling them as “bad mothers” would be inaccurate, and it would also be irresponsible, like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it.
At this point I was trying to show Nancy that she was just defeating herself by labeling herself as a “bad mother.” I hoped to show her that no matter how she defined “bad mother,” the definition would be unrealistic. Once she gave up the destructive tendency to mope and label herself as worthless, we could then go on to coping strategies for helping her son with his problems at school.
N ANCY:
But I still have the feeling I am a “bad mother.”
D AVID:
Well, once again, what is your definition?
N ANCY:
Someone who doesn’t give her child enough attention, positive attention. I’m so busy in school. And when I do pay attention, I’m afraid it may be all negative attention. Who knows? That’s what I’m saying.
D AVID:
A “bad mother” is one who doesn’t give her child enough attention, you say? Enough for what?
N ANCY:
For her child to do well in life.
D AVID:
Do well in everything , or in some things?
N ANCY:
In some things. No one can do well at everything.
D AVID:
Does Bobby do well at some things? Does he have any redeeming virtues?
N ANCY:
Oh yes. There are many things he enjoys and does well at.
D AVID:
Then you can’t be a “bad mother” according to your definition because your son does well at many things.
N ANCY:
Then why do I feel like a bad mother?
D AVID:
It seems that you’re labeling yourself as a “bad mother” because you’d like to spend more time with your son, and because you sometimes feel inadequate, and because there is a clear-cut need to improve your communication with Bobby. But it won’t help you solve these problems if you conclude automatically you are a “bad mother.” Does that make sense to you?
N ANCY:
If I paid more attention to him and gave him more help, he could do better at school and he could be a whole lot happier. I feel it’s my fault when he doesn’t do well.
D AVID:
So you are willing to take the blame for his mistakes?
N ANCY:
Yes, it’s my fault. So I’m a bad mother.
D AVID:
And you also take the credit for his achievements? And for his happiness?
N ANCY:
No— he should get the credit for that, not me.
D AVID:
Does that make sense? That you’re responsible for his faults but not his strengths?
N ANCY:
No.
D AVID:
Do you understand the point I’m trying to make?
N ANCY:
Yep.
D AVID:
“Bad mother” is an abstraction; there is no such thing as a “bad mother” in this universe.
N ANCY:
Right. But mothers can do bad things.
D AVID:
They’re just people, and people do a whole variety of things—good, bad, and neutral. “Bad mother” is just a fantasy; there’s no such thing. The chair is a thing. A “bad mother” is an abstraction. You understand that?
N ANCY:
I got it, but some mothers are more experienced and more effective than others.
D AVID:
Yes, there are all degrees of effectiveness at parenting skills. And most everyone has plenty of room for improvement. The meaningful question is not “Am I a good or bad mother?” but rather “What are my relative skills and weaknesses, and what can
D AVID:
There are parents who resort to abusive behavior, that’s true. And these individuals could improve their behavior, which might make them feel better about themselves and their children. But it’s not realistic to say that such parents are constantly doing abusing or damaging things, and it’s not going to help matters by attaching the label “bad” to them. Such individuals do have a problem with aggression and need training in self-control, but it would only make matters worse if you tried to convince them thattheir problem was badness. They usually already believe they are rotten human beings, and that is part of their problem. Labeling them as “bad mothers” would be inaccurate, and it would also be irresponsible, like trying to put out a fire by throwing gasoline on it.
At this point I was trying to show Nancy that she was just defeating herself by labeling herself as a “bad mother.” I hoped to show her that no matter how she defined “bad mother,” the definition would be unrealistic. Once she gave up the destructive tendency to mope and label herself as worthless, we could then go on to coping strategies for helping her son with his problems at school.
N ANCY:
But I still have the feeling I am a “bad mother.”
D AVID:
Well, once again, what is your definition?
N ANCY:
Someone who doesn’t give her child enough attention, positive attention. I’m so busy in school. And when I do pay attention, I’m afraid it may be all negative attention. Who knows? That’s what I’m saying.
D AVID:
A “bad mother” is one who doesn’t give her child enough attention, you say? Enough for what?
N ANCY:
For her child to do well in life.
D AVID:
Do well in everything , or in some things?
N ANCY:
In some things. No one can do well at everything.
D AVID:
Does Bobby do well at some things? Does he have any redeeming virtues?
N ANCY:
Oh yes. There are many things he enjoys and does well at.
D AVID:
Then you can’t be a “bad mother” according to your definition because your son does well at many things.
N ANCY:
Then why do I feel like a bad mother?
D AVID:
It seems that you’re labeling yourself as a “bad mother” because you’d like to spend more time with your son, and because you sometimes feel inadequate, and because there is a clear-cut need to improve your communication with Bobby. But it won’t help you solve these problems if you conclude automatically you are a “bad mother.” Does that make sense to you?
N ANCY:
If I paid more attention to him and gave him more help, he could do better at school and he could be a whole lot happier. I feel it’s my fault when he doesn’t do well.
D AVID:
So you are willing to take the blame for his mistakes?
N ANCY:
Yes, it’s my fault. So I’m a bad mother.
D AVID:
And you also take the credit for his achievements? And for his happiness?
N ANCY:
No— he should get the credit for that, not me.
D AVID:
Does that make sense? That you’re responsible for his faults but not his strengths?
N ANCY:
No.
D AVID:
Do you understand the point I’m trying to make?
N ANCY:
Yep.
D AVID:
“Bad mother” is an abstraction; there is no such thing as a “bad mother” in this universe.
N ANCY:
Right. But mothers can do bad things.
D AVID:
They’re just people, and people do a whole variety of things—good, bad, and neutral. “Bad mother” is just a fantasy; there’s no such thing. The chair is a thing. A “bad mother” is an abstraction. You understand that?
N ANCY:
I got it, but some mothers are more experienced and more effective than others.
D AVID:
Yes, there are all degrees of effectiveness at parenting skills. And most everyone has plenty of room for improvement. The meaningful question is not “Am I a good or bad mother?” but rather “What are my relative skills and weaknesses, and what can
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