I do to improve?”
N ANCY:
I understand. That approach makes more sense and it feels much better. When I label myself “bad mother,” I just feel inadequate and depressed, and I don’t do anything productive. Now I see what you’ve been driving at. Once I give up criticizing myself, I’ll feel better, and maybe I can be more helpful to Bobby.
D AVID:
Right! So when you look at it that way, you’re talking about coping strategies. For example, what are your parenting skills? How can you begin to improve on those skills? Now that’s the type of thing I would suggest with regard to Bobby. Seeing yourself as a “bad mother” eats up emotional energy and distracts you from the task of improving your mothering skills. It’s irresponsible.
N ANCY:
Right. If I can stop punishing myself with that statement, I’ll be much better off and I can start working toward helping Bobby. The moment I stop calling myself a bad mother, I’ll start feeling better.
D AVID:
Yes, now what can you say to yourself when you have the urge to say “I’m a bad mother”?
N ANCY:
I can say I don’t have to hate my whole self if there is a particular thing I find I dislike about Bobby, or if he has a problem at school. I can try to define that problem, and attack that problem, and work toward solving it.
D AVID:
Right. Now, that’s a positive approach. I like it. You refute the negative statement and then add a positive statement. I like that.
We then worked on answering several “automatic thoughts” she had written down after the call from Bobby’s teacher (see Figure 4–4, below). As Nancy learned to refute her self-critical thoughts, she experienced much-needed emotional relief. She was then able to develop some specific coping strategies designed to help Bobby with his difficulties.
----
Figure 4–4. Nancy’s written homework concerning Bobby’s difficulties at school. This is similar to the “triple-column technique,” except that she did not find it necessary to write down the cognitive distortions contained in her automatic thoughts.
----
The first step of her coping plan was to talk to Bobby about the difficulties he had been having so as to find out what the real problem was. Was he having difficulties as his teacher had suggested? What was his understanding of the problem? Was it true that he was feeling tense and low in confidence? Had his homework been particularly hard for him recently? Once Nancy had obtained this information and defined the real problem, she realized she would then be in a position to work toward an appropriate solution. For example, if Bobby said he found some of his courses particularly difficult, she could develop a reward system at home to encourage him to do extra homework. She alsodecided to read several books on parenting skills. Her relationship with Bobby improved, and his grades and behavior at school underwent a rapid turnabout.
Nancy’s mistake had been to view herself in a global way, making the moralistic judgment that she was a bad mother. This type of criticism incapacitated her because it created the impression that she had a personal problem so big and bad that no one could do anything about it. The emotional upset this labeling caused prevented her from defining the real problem, breaking it down into its specific parts, and applying appropriate solutions . If she had continued to mope, there was the distinct possibility that Bobby would have continued to do poorly, and she would have become increasingly ineffectual.
How can you apply what Nancy learned to your own situation? When you are down on yourself, you might find it helpful to ask what you actually mean when you try to define your true identity with a negative label such as “a fool,” “a sham,” “a stupid dope,” etc. Once you begin to pick these destructive labels apart, you will find they are arbitrary and meaningless. They actually cloud the issue, creating confusion and despair. Once rid of them, you can
N ANCY:
I understand. That approach makes more sense and it feels much better. When I label myself “bad mother,” I just feel inadequate and depressed, and I don’t do anything productive. Now I see what you’ve been driving at. Once I give up criticizing myself, I’ll feel better, and maybe I can be more helpful to Bobby.
D AVID:
Right! So when you look at it that way, you’re talking about coping strategies. For example, what are your parenting skills? How can you begin to improve on those skills? Now that’s the type of thing I would suggest with regard to Bobby. Seeing yourself as a “bad mother” eats up emotional energy and distracts you from the task of improving your mothering skills. It’s irresponsible.
N ANCY:
Right. If I can stop punishing myself with that statement, I’ll be much better off and I can start working toward helping Bobby. The moment I stop calling myself a bad mother, I’ll start feeling better.
D AVID:
Yes, now what can you say to yourself when you have the urge to say “I’m a bad mother”?
N ANCY:
I can say I don’t have to hate my whole self if there is a particular thing I find I dislike about Bobby, or if he has a problem at school. I can try to define that problem, and attack that problem, and work toward solving it.
D AVID:
Right. Now, that’s a positive approach. I like it. You refute the negative statement and then add a positive statement. I like that.
We then worked on answering several “automatic thoughts” she had written down after the call from Bobby’s teacher (see Figure 4–4, below). As Nancy learned to refute her self-critical thoughts, she experienced much-needed emotional relief. She was then able to develop some specific coping strategies designed to help Bobby with his difficulties.
----
Figure 4–4. Nancy’s written homework concerning Bobby’s difficulties at school. This is similar to the “triple-column technique,” except that she did not find it necessary to write down the cognitive distortions contained in her automatic thoughts.
----
The first step of her coping plan was to talk to Bobby about the difficulties he had been having so as to find out what the real problem was. Was he having difficulties as his teacher had suggested? What was his understanding of the problem? Was it true that he was feeling tense and low in confidence? Had his homework been particularly hard for him recently? Once Nancy had obtained this information and defined the real problem, she realized she would then be in a position to work toward an appropriate solution. For example, if Bobby said he found some of his courses particularly difficult, she could develop a reward system at home to encourage him to do extra homework. She alsodecided to read several books on parenting skills. Her relationship with Bobby improved, and his grades and behavior at school underwent a rapid turnabout.
Nancy’s mistake had been to view herself in a global way, making the moralistic judgment that she was a bad mother. This type of criticism incapacitated her because it created the impression that she had a personal problem so big and bad that no one could do anything about it. The emotional upset this labeling caused prevented her from defining the real problem, breaking it down into its specific parts, and applying appropriate solutions . If she had continued to mope, there was the distinct possibility that Bobby would have continued to do poorly, and she would have become increasingly ineffectual.
How can you apply what Nancy learned to your own situation? When you are down on yourself, you might find it helpful to ask what you actually mean when you try to define your true identity with a negative label such as “a fool,” “a sham,” “a stupid dope,” etc. Once you begin to pick these destructive labels apart, you will find they are arbitrary and meaningless. They actually cloud the issue, creating confusion and despair. Once rid of them, you can
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