night.
Amy picked me up and we rode the short distance together. Before we got out of the car, I looked over to her and asked her to please keep an eye on me. She laughed and said she would.
Shey saw me the second I walked in and brought me a shot of tequila. I instantly felt sick but threw it back anyways. I needed it, even if it reminded me of Avery breaking my heart last year. It was a cycle between us.
The night went pleasantly well. Amy, Shey, this girl Carla, and I all ended up dancing, drinking, and chatting with one another. Carson asked me once where Avery was and I said at a different party, and we left it at that. He kept giving me sad glances all night but I ignored them. He had an awesome girlfriend, one who I loved, who he loved, who loved him, and he needed to concentrate fully on her.
By the end of the night, I ended up having black out moments. Shey kept feeding me tequila shots, so every once in a while I'd be doing something and not understand how I got there or why I was doing whatever it was. Sometimes it was something silly like peeing in the bushes outside, Amy laughing while she did the same. Other things would be dancing on the couch, singing a Britney Spears song at the top of my lungs. Other times it'd just be something as simple as being in one room, then realizing I was in another.
I don't recall anything bad happening and no one told me I did anything wrong. That made me happy. Amy stayed the night, but I knew I shouldn't. Carson actually is the one to walk me home, claiming he had too many to drive but wasn't too drunk to walk me home. On the way there, we had a small conversation, but I don't remember most of it.
He had asked me why Avery was at a different party, and I said because we're allowed to hang out with our own friends. He asked if I was happy, I said yes. He mentioned the fight and Avery's tooth and his physical therapy. I mentioned Shey and how perfect she was as a friend to me and girlfriend to him. We kept it simple and friendly.
I had laid in bed when I got home and ended up having a weird dream. The dream was so realistic and so wrong. I had dreamt about having sex with both Avery and Pierce in one night. I dreamt of Pierce giving me comfort and Avery yelling and screaming at me. It was odd and confusing, and although I don't remember much of it at all, it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up alone this morning.
It's been eating at me the last hour, as I lay awake on the couch. There is no music on, no television on. I haven't talked to Avery, or Aubrey, or my mom, or anyone else since I woke up. I just have laid here, thinking about how to tell Avery, thinking about the dream, about lying to him last night and if he is going to be mad at me for going to the party.
Finally I decide to grab my phone and get that first lie out of the way. The easier one. The one where I tell him I needed a night out with a friend and not him. I'll put it in better words of course.
The phone rings and rings, but he doesn't pick up. I leave a voice mail instead. "Hey babe, it's me. Call me when you get this. I wanted to talk to you."
After five minutes of no returned phone call, I get up and shower. When I get out, I throw my hair up in a messy bun, walk to the kitchen and make coffee, then I get dressed. Every time I hear something remotely close to a vibration or a song- usually a car driving by outside- I check my phone. Nothing. No calls back, no texts. I call him again, this time it goes straight to voice mail.
He is mad at me. He found out I was at the party last night and is mad at me.
I brush my teeth and head out the door.
Amy picked me up and we rode the short distance together. Before we got out of the car, I looked over to her and asked her to please keep an eye on me. She laughed and said she would.
Shey saw me the second I walked in and brought me a shot of tequila. I instantly felt sick but threw it back anyways. I needed it, even if it reminded me of Avery breaking my heart last year. It was a cycle between us.
The night went pleasantly well. Amy, Shey, this girl Carla, and I all ended up dancing, drinking, and chatting with one another. Carson asked me once where Avery was and I said at a different party, and we left it at that. He kept giving me sad glances all night but I ignored them. He had an awesome girlfriend, one who I loved, who he loved, who loved him, and he needed to concentrate fully on her.
By the end of the night, I ended up having black out moments. Shey kept feeding me tequila shots, so every once in a while I'd be doing something and not understand how I got there or why I was doing whatever it was. Sometimes it was something silly like peeing in the bushes outside, Amy laughing while she did the same. Other things would be dancing on the couch, singing a Britney Spears song at the top of my lungs. Other times it'd just be something as simple as being in one room, then realizing I was in another.
I don't recall anything bad happening and no one told me I did anything wrong. That made me happy. Amy stayed the night, but I knew I shouldn't. Carson actually is the one to walk me home, claiming he had too many to drive but wasn't too drunk to walk me home. On the way there, we had a small conversation, but I don't remember most of it.
He had asked me why Avery was at a different party, and I said because we're allowed to hang out with our own friends. He asked if I was happy, I said yes. He mentioned the fight and Avery's tooth and his physical therapy. I mentioned Shey and how perfect she was as a friend to me and girlfriend to him. We kept it simple and friendly.
I had laid in bed when I got home and ended up having a weird dream. The dream was so realistic and so wrong. I had dreamt about having sex with both Avery and Pierce in one night. I dreamt of Pierce giving me comfort and Avery yelling and screaming at me. It was odd and confusing, and although I don't remember much of it at all, it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up alone this morning.
It's been eating at me the last hour, as I lay awake on the couch. There is no music on, no television on. I haven't talked to Avery, or Aubrey, or my mom, or anyone else since I woke up. I just have laid here, thinking about how to tell Avery, thinking about the dream, about lying to him last night and if he is going to be mad at me for going to the party.
Finally I decide to grab my phone and get that first lie out of the way. The easier one. The one where I tell him I needed a night out with a friend and not him. I'll put it in better words of course.
The phone rings and rings, but he doesn't pick up. I leave a voice mail instead. "Hey babe, it's me. Call me when you get this. I wanted to talk to you."
After five minutes of no returned phone call, I get up and shower. When I get out, I throw my hair up in a messy bun, walk to the kitchen and make coffee, then I get dressed. Every time I hear something remotely close to a vibration or a song- usually a car driving by outside- I check my phone. Nothing. No calls back, no texts. I call him again, this time it goes straight to voice mail.
He is mad at me. He found out I was at the party last night and is mad at me.
I brush my teeth and head out the door.
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