wouldn’t look at me. “I can’t do this, Jared. I’m sorry. I want you to leave.”
“Please don’t do this.”
“You told me that if I ever asked you to leave , you would do it without hesitation.”
She was right. I did say that. I rose from the bed but couldn’t feel my legs. I thought everything was fine. We seemed so happy together. The kids loved me. I didn’t want this to happen. “Uh—I’ll go.”
“Okay,” she whispered. She didn’t bother to turn around.
I came up behind her but didn’t touch her. “Elisa, I love you.”
She was silent.
I turned and left the room. When I reached the front door , I almost didn’t walk through. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I obviously did something. I opened the door then closed it behind me. When I walked out to the street, I couldn’t see where I was going through the tears in my eyes.
Somehow I ended up at my apartment. When I collapsed on the couch , I stared at the wall for a long time, not even thinking. Then the tears burst from my eyes and cascaded down my face. I controlled my breathing after a moment and stifled my cries. Elisa was the love of my life. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I went into my bedroom but I didn’t sleep. I just lay there.
11
I called in sick the next day. I would have loved the distraction but I would see Ethan, who reminded me of Elisa . If I spoke to him, I knew I would break down. I knew my relationship with Elisa was going to be complicated, but after she slept with me, I assumed that we were serious. I told her not to sleep with me unless that’s how she felt. She didn’t even tell me why.
I could n’t figure it out. I knew it had something to do with her husband. She was making a new family with me, or just replacing the old one with a new figure. In either scenario, she felt guilty about moving on. I understood her pain but I thought we were past this. I really wished she had figured this out sooner before she ripped out my heart and torched it in flames.
The day went by but I didn’t move. I went to the bathroom once but I didn’t drink or eat. I just fell in and out of sleep over and over again. I knew I had to go to work t he next day but I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to lie there.
At some point I got up and moved into the living room. I tried to watch television to get my mind off Elisa. Nothing worked. Eve n when I watched a commercial of an auto repair shop I somehow thought of her. I thought about calling her but I knew I couldn’t. She didn’t want to talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. It was the worst pain of my life. When my parents divorced, I was hurt and confused but it was nothing compared to this. Now I felt like I could die.
The sun set over the horizon and left my apartment dark. I didn’t turn on the lights. The only illumination was the glow from the television, which I still wasn’t watching.
There was a knock on the door but I ignored it. It was probably a school girl selling Christmas cookies or some bullshit. The knock sounded again but I didn’t flinch.
“Please open the door.”
I recognized her voice. I was still for a long moment before I rose from the couch. When I reached the door , I looked through the peephole. Elisa was standing on the other side. After a moment of staring, I opened it.
She stared at me with a saddened expression. I wondered how I looked to her—probably dead. I was still wearing the same clothes from the day before. I took off my jacket and tie but the pants and shirt were the same. They were wrinkled and worn. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey,” she said as she looked at me.
“Why are you here?” I asked. My voice came out harsher than I meant. “Please don’t check on me. You’re just making this harder for me. I don’t want to see you.”
“I’m sorry about everything,” she blurted. “I take it back.”
I
“Please don’t do this.”
“You told me that if I ever asked you to leave , you would do it without hesitation.”
She was right. I did say that. I rose from the bed but couldn’t feel my legs. I thought everything was fine. We seemed so happy together. The kids loved me. I didn’t want this to happen. “Uh—I’ll go.”
“Okay,” she whispered. She didn’t bother to turn around.
I came up behind her but didn’t touch her. “Elisa, I love you.”
She was silent.
I turned and left the room. When I reached the front door , I almost didn’t walk through. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I don’t know what I did to deserve this but I obviously did something. I opened the door then closed it behind me. When I walked out to the street, I couldn’t see where I was going through the tears in my eyes.
Somehow I ended up at my apartment. When I collapsed on the couch , I stared at the wall for a long time, not even thinking. Then the tears burst from my eyes and cascaded down my face. I controlled my breathing after a moment and stifled my cries. Elisa was the love of my life. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I went into my bedroom but I didn’t sleep. I just lay there.
11
I called in sick the next day. I would have loved the distraction but I would see Ethan, who reminded me of Elisa . If I spoke to him, I knew I would break down. I knew my relationship with Elisa was going to be complicated, but after she slept with me, I assumed that we were serious. I told her not to sleep with me unless that’s how she felt. She didn’t even tell me why.
I could n’t figure it out. I knew it had something to do with her husband. She was making a new family with me, or just replacing the old one with a new figure. In either scenario, she felt guilty about moving on. I understood her pain but I thought we were past this. I really wished she had figured this out sooner before she ripped out my heart and torched it in flames.
The day went by but I didn’t move. I went to the bathroom once but I didn’t drink or eat. I just fell in and out of sleep over and over again. I knew I had to go to work t he next day but I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to lie there.
At some point I got up and moved into the living room. I tried to watch television to get my mind off Elisa. Nothing worked. Eve n when I watched a commercial of an auto repair shop I somehow thought of her. I thought about calling her but I knew I couldn’t. She didn’t want to talk to me. She wanted nothing to do with me. It was the worst pain of my life. When my parents divorced, I was hurt and confused but it was nothing compared to this. Now I felt like I could die.
The sun set over the horizon and left my apartment dark. I didn’t turn on the lights. The only illumination was the glow from the television, which I still wasn’t watching.
There was a knock on the door but I ignored it. It was probably a school girl selling Christmas cookies or some bullshit. The knock sounded again but I didn’t flinch.
“Please open the door.”
I recognized her voice. I was still for a long moment before I rose from the couch. When I reached the door , I looked through the peephole. Elisa was standing on the other side. After a moment of staring, I opened it.
She stared at me with a saddened expression. I wondered how I looked to her—probably dead. I was still wearing the same clothes from the day before. I took off my jacket and tie but the pants and shirt were the same. They were wrinkled and worn. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey,” she said as she looked at me.
“Why are you here?” I asked. My voice came out harsher than I meant. “Please don’t check on me. You’re just making this harder for me. I don’t want to see you.”
“I’m sorry about everything,” she blurted. “I take it back.”
I
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