man at once, Daphne.
L EONORA (to CHARLIE BROWN) I’d go and get dry in the kitchen if I were you, Charlie.
C HARLIE B. You’re not in my shoes now, Doctor. This is real-life drama. I want to see the outcome.
D APHNE. He’s closed his eyes again.
Enter MRS. S . with hot drinks.
M RS. S. Guess what Annie’s doing.
CATHERINE. Changing into something suitable.
D APHNE. Charlie, are you all right?
Y OUNG CHARLIE. Carry on, it’s lovely.
CHARLIE. Daphne, stop kissing him in that obscene way in the full electric light. Sit up, Charlie. Daphne, remember this man is an attempted suicide, and suicide is a mortal sin. I’d better get him upstairs and out of his things.
D APHNE. Are you all right, Charlie?
Y OUNG CHARLIE. Oh yes, I mean horribly wet. … Cheers. (Walks out.)
D APHNE (to CHARLIE BROWN). Don’t forget to take my tape recorder to Kensington tomorrow, Charlie, whatever you do.
C HARLIE. Don’t forget to remove the tape, Catherine, whatever you do. (Goes out with DAPHNE.)
Enter ANNIE .
ANNIE . Has the press arrived ? Have the police been? Has the doctor come?
CATHERINE. No, there was no need to dress up.
A NNIE. I was thinking entirely of young Charlie’s interests. I would have been arrested instead of him, I would have been photographed instead of him.
CATHERINE. You did that marvellously, Charlie.
C HARLIE B. I thought the young fellow did a good turn. Looked real drowned.
A NNIE. Catherine, you’re brilliant! Charlie, you’re a hero and a marvellous actor. I saw through the whole thing immediately.
CATHERINE. Well I thought it was time I did something dramatic for a change. Charlie, go and get dry.
MRS. S. I can lend you an old coat that’s been chucked out. As soon as I saw that bit of Queen’s Velvet I knew it was a frame-up. Young Charlie always puts his private and personal communications to Daphne on Basildon Bond, as I know for a fact. Where would he a got Queen’s Velvet at this time of night? He got it off you, Mrs. D. Come on, Charlie.
Exit with CHARLIE BROWN .
L EONORA. Catherine, it was a splendid arrangement.
A NNIE. Did you see through it too, Leonora? Never mind, Catherine, you’ve made a brilliant start. When you’ve had more experience of staging things, nobody will see through anything.
L EONORA (looking at the note). You’ve got the accents of the Greek all wrong.
CATHERINE. It was supposed to be young Charlie’s Greek, Leonora. I believe in dramatic realism.
L EONORA. English would have been more realistic as he hasn‘t got any Greek.
CATHERINE. But less dramatic.
Enter CHARLIE BROWN dressed in an old coat followed by MRS. S.
Put down some whisky, Charlie.
CHARLIE B. Ta. Congratulations, everyone.
LEONORA. We’ll drive you home, Charlie.
CHARLIE B . Got the van outside. I’ll be home in two minutes, just round the corner. Better not keep my friend waiting. I got engaged to my friend today.
CATHERINE. Congratulations, Charlie.
LEONORA. Who is it, Charlie?
CHARLIE B. The widow, she wanted me, so I thought she might as well have it her own way.
ANNIE. I always say, Charlie, it’s a woman’s world when all is said and done. (Raising glass.) To Charlie.
C HARLIE B. Thanks. Ta-ta. Nice roses. (Exit.)
CATHERINE, LEONORA (raising glasses). Charlie.
MRS. S . I must sit down to this. (Sits down and raises glass.) Charlie.
THE CURTAIN FALLS
THE END
A Biography of Muriel Spark
Dame Muriel Spark (1918–2006) was an acclaimed Scottish novelist, short story writer, and poet whose rhythmic prose and penchant for dark comedy made her one of the twentieth century’s most distinctive writers.
Spark was born Muriel Sarah Camberg on February 1, 1918, in Edinburgh, Scotland. Her engineer father, Bernard, was Scottish, while her mother, Sarah Elizabeth Maud, was English family. Their mixed-faith background would fuel many of the moral concerns of Spark’s later novels. Spark was raised in Edinburgh and from an early age attended James Gillespie’s High
L EONORA (to CHARLIE BROWN) I’d go and get dry in the kitchen if I were you, Charlie.
C HARLIE B. You’re not in my shoes now, Doctor. This is real-life drama. I want to see the outcome.
D APHNE. He’s closed his eyes again.
Enter MRS. S . with hot drinks.
M RS. S. Guess what Annie’s doing.
CATHERINE. Changing into something suitable.
D APHNE. Charlie, are you all right?
Y OUNG CHARLIE. Carry on, it’s lovely.
CHARLIE. Daphne, stop kissing him in that obscene way in the full electric light. Sit up, Charlie. Daphne, remember this man is an attempted suicide, and suicide is a mortal sin. I’d better get him upstairs and out of his things.
D APHNE. Are you all right, Charlie?
Y OUNG CHARLIE. Oh yes, I mean horribly wet. … Cheers. (Walks out.)
D APHNE (to CHARLIE BROWN). Don’t forget to take my tape recorder to Kensington tomorrow, Charlie, whatever you do.
C HARLIE. Don’t forget to remove the tape, Catherine, whatever you do. (Goes out with DAPHNE.)
Enter ANNIE .
ANNIE . Has the press arrived ? Have the police been? Has the doctor come?
CATHERINE. No, there was no need to dress up.
A NNIE. I was thinking entirely of young Charlie’s interests. I would have been arrested instead of him, I would have been photographed instead of him.
CATHERINE. You did that marvellously, Charlie.
C HARLIE B. I thought the young fellow did a good turn. Looked real drowned.
A NNIE. Catherine, you’re brilliant! Charlie, you’re a hero and a marvellous actor. I saw through the whole thing immediately.
CATHERINE. Well I thought it was time I did something dramatic for a change. Charlie, go and get dry.
MRS. S. I can lend you an old coat that’s been chucked out. As soon as I saw that bit of Queen’s Velvet I knew it was a frame-up. Young Charlie always puts his private and personal communications to Daphne on Basildon Bond, as I know for a fact. Where would he a got Queen’s Velvet at this time of night? He got it off you, Mrs. D. Come on, Charlie.
Exit with CHARLIE BROWN .
L EONORA. Catherine, it was a splendid arrangement.
A NNIE. Did you see through it too, Leonora? Never mind, Catherine, you’ve made a brilliant start. When you’ve had more experience of staging things, nobody will see through anything.
L EONORA (looking at the note). You’ve got the accents of the Greek all wrong.
CATHERINE. It was supposed to be young Charlie’s Greek, Leonora. I believe in dramatic realism.
L EONORA. English would have been more realistic as he hasn‘t got any Greek.
CATHERINE. But less dramatic.
Enter CHARLIE BROWN dressed in an old coat followed by MRS. S.
Put down some whisky, Charlie.
CHARLIE B. Ta. Congratulations, everyone.
LEONORA. We’ll drive you home, Charlie.
CHARLIE B . Got the van outside. I’ll be home in two minutes, just round the corner. Better not keep my friend waiting. I got engaged to my friend today.
CATHERINE. Congratulations, Charlie.
LEONORA. Who is it, Charlie?
CHARLIE B. The widow, she wanted me, so I thought she might as well have it her own way.
ANNIE. I always say, Charlie, it’s a woman’s world when all is said and done. (Raising glass.) To Charlie.
C HARLIE B. Thanks. Ta-ta. Nice roses. (Exit.)
CATHERINE, LEONORA (raising glasses). Charlie.
MRS. S . I must sit down to this. (Sits down and raises glass.) Charlie.
THE CURTAIN FALLS
THE END
A Biography of Muriel Spark
Dame Muriel Spark (1918–2006) was an acclaimed Scottish novelist, short story writer, and poet whose rhythmic prose and penchant for dark comedy made her one of the twentieth century’s most distinctive writers.
Spark was born Muriel Sarah Camberg on February 1, 1918, in Edinburgh, Scotland. Her engineer father, Bernard, was Scottish, while her mother, Sarah Elizabeth Maud, was English family. Their mixed-faith background would fuel many of the moral concerns of Spark’s later novels. Spark was raised in Edinburgh and from an early age attended James Gillespie’s High
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