adopt the baby, and Daphne can either continue her studies or marry the man of her choice.
LEONORA. I shall adopt the baby.
A NNIE. I spoke for it first.
L EONORA. No, if you recall, I spoke for it first.
A NNIE. You spoke to the wrong Charlie. I shall speak to the right Charlie.
CATHERINE. You’re neither of you fit to adopt any baby. We shall speak to Daphne, and we shall adopt the baby. If all else fails.
CHARLIE. All else has failed, but we can’t afford to adopt the baby. I’ll have to resign.
CATHERINE . Why?
CHARLIE. Well, when word gets round that my wife is a seducer of young graduates …
CATHERINE. Young Charlie attempted to seduce me. Where’s that tape? — I can prove it. Not that I hold it against him. Where …
A NNIE. Daphne took it up with her. But if I were you, Catherine, I should try to preserve that record for always. It’s most flattering, when you come to think of it.
CATHERINE. Do you think so, Annie?
A NNIE. Well, to be quite frank, I’m afraid he didn’t attempt to kiss me, although he had every opportunity to do so.
CHARLIE. Any normal woman would regard it as an insult. Any normal woman would have slapped his face.
CATHERINE. I’m not a normal woman, thank you very much.
CHARLIE. It’s a question of your dignity. Leonora would have slapped his face. Any woman of normal instincts—
LEONORA. I’m not a normal woman, Charlie, thank you very much.
ANNIE. You must not insult us like this, Charlie. We aren’t the sort of women who go round assaulting affectionate young men.
C HARLIE. I see. You only assault each other.
LEONORA. The circumstances were exceptional. Mrs. Weston would bring out the slapping instinct in anyone. I must say, I rather enjoyed it.
CATHERINE . Me too.
Enter MRS. S. to clear up the litter.
MRS. S . This is the last time I stop overnight to help you out. If I want a free-for-all I can get it at my sister’s place. (Pours herself a whisky.) They like to bring the evening to a boil. It isn’t any holiday for me to stop here overnight and be witness to a free-for-all. Mrs. D., are you aware of a large bunch of flowers on the floor of the downstairs lavatory?
CATHERINE. Oh! The flowers … I forgot all about them. I’ll go and get them, Annie, they’re lovely.
ANNIE. What a brilliant oversight! (CATHERINE goes out.) You see, Charlie, what rational people like you and Leonora don‘t realise, is that there’s a mysterious force that provides for the needs of simple-minded ordinary women like me.
M RS. S. They’ve been laying in the lav without water for six hours. Won’t last. (Pours herself a whisky.) I don’t know about you lot, but I’m going to bed.
C HARLIE. We’re all going to bed.
Enter CATHERINE with flowers .
ANNIE. Roses at midnight, how thrilling! Who can they be from? (Looks at envelope attached.) They’ve been sent by Transatlantic Cable … America, now who … ? (Looks closely at envelope.) Oh, it’s addressed to Leonora. I say, Leonora, how thrilling, someone in America’s sent you some roses. Open them up at once.
L EONORA opens envelope and reads message.
CHARLIE. There isn’t any more room for any more flowers in the house. We’ve got nothing but flowers all over the place, using up oxygen.
CATHERINE. What a lovely surprise!
ANNIE. Leonora doesn’t look very surprised.
L EONORA. Really, do you think I’ve never had flowers before?
C HARLIE. Arriving in the middle of the night, that’s the significant point. (Looks at envelope.) By Cable. Expensive shop, must have cost a fortune, it would have kept an Indian peasant for a year.
D APHNE rushes in.
D APHNE. I’ve just found a note from Charlie. It was lying on the door-mat. But I can’t read it, it’s in Greek, signed Charlie in English. Leonora … Mother … read it.
CATHERINE. Let me see.
L EONORA looks over CATHERINE’s shoulder at the note.
MRS. S. Sounds like he’s done away with himself. Too cryptic for my liking.
L EONORA. It’s a quotation
LEONORA. I shall adopt the baby.
A NNIE. I spoke for it first.
L EONORA. No, if you recall, I spoke for it first.
A NNIE. You spoke to the wrong Charlie. I shall speak to the right Charlie.
CATHERINE. You’re neither of you fit to adopt any baby. We shall speak to Daphne, and we shall adopt the baby. If all else fails.
CHARLIE. All else has failed, but we can’t afford to adopt the baby. I’ll have to resign.
CATHERINE . Why?
CHARLIE. Well, when word gets round that my wife is a seducer of young graduates …
CATHERINE. Young Charlie attempted to seduce me. Where’s that tape? — I can prove it. Not that I hold it against him. Where …
A NNIE. Daphne took it up with her. But if I were you, Catherine, I should try to preserve that record for always. It’s most flattering, when you come to think of it.
CATHERINE. Do you think so, Annie?
A NNIE. Well, to be quite frank, I’m afraid he didn’t attempt to kiss me, although he had every opportunity to do so.
CHARLIE. Any normal woman would regard it as an insult. Any normal woman would have slapped his face.
CATHERINE. I’m not a normal woman, thank you very much.
CHARLIE. It’s a question of your dignity. Leonora would have slapped his face. Any woman of normal instincts—
LEONORA. I’m not a normal woman, Charlie, thank you very much.
ANNIE. You must not insult us like this, Charlie. We aren’t the sort of women who go round assaulting affectionate young men.
C HARLIE. I see. You only assault each other.
LEONORA. The circumstances were exceptional. Mrs. Weston would bring out the slapping instinct in anyone. I must say, I rather enjoyed it.
CATHERINE . Me too.
Enter MRS. S. to clear up the litter.
MRS. S . This is the last time I stop overnight to help you out. If I want a free-for-all I can get it at my sister’s place. (Pours herself a whisky.) They like to bring the evening to a boil. It isn’t any holiday for me to stop here overnight and be witness to a free-for-all. Mrs. D., are you aware of a large bunch of flowers on the floor of the downstairs lavatory?
CATHERINE. Oh! The flowers … I forgot all about them. I’ll go and get them, Annie, they’re lovely.
ANNIE. What a brilliant oversight! (CATHERINE goes out.) You see, Charlie, what rational people like you and Leonora don‘t realise, is that there’s a mysterious force that provides for the needs of simple-minded ordinary women like me.
M RS. S. They’ve been laying in the lav without water for six hours. Won’t last. (Pours herself a whisky.) I don’t know about you lot, but I’m going to bed.
C HARLIE. We’re all going to bed.
Enter CATHERINE with flowers .
ANNIE. Roses at midnight, how thrilling! Who can they be from? (Looks at envelope attached.) They’ve been sent by Transatlantic Cable … America, now who … ? (Looks closely at envelope.) Oh, it’s addressed to Leonora. I say, Leonora, how thrilling, someone in America’s sent you some roses. Open them up at once.
L EONORA opens envelope and reads message.
CHARLIE. There isn’t any more room for any more flowers in the house. We’ve got nothing but flowers all over the place, using up oxygen.
CATHERINE. What a lovely surprise!
ANNIE. Leonora doesn’t look very surprised.
L EONORA. Really, do you think I’ve never had flowers before?
C HARLIE. Arriving in the middle of the night, that’s the significant point. (Looks at envelope.) By Cable. Expensive shop, must have cost a fortune, it would have kept an Indian peasant for a year.
D APHNE rushes in.
D APHNE. I’ve just found a note from Charlie. It was lying on the door-mat. But I can’t read it, it’s in Greek, signed Charlie in English. Leonora … Mother … read it.
CATHERINE. Let me see.
L EONORA looks over CATHERINE’s shoulder at the note.
MRS. S. Sounds like he’s done away with himself. Too cryptic for my liking.
L EONORA. It’s a quotation
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